Just found out she already filed

[ClingingToHope]

remember you will always be the bad guy in her eyes, that's the way she gets through this

[/quote][quote]

Yes. I know this feeling. I just signed the papers today to allow her to TRY and sell the house. It's worth $10,000 less than we owe. It needs all kinds of work. She's going to be stuck with it for months or years.

In the end, it'll likely be my fault.

I second WII. Getting defensive doesn't help, but pointing out what you've paid is fine, I think. I mean she can't just say give me $100 if you've wracked up way more than that.

Just don't get too wordy. Short and too the point. She doesn't need to know what you are thinking. Make her wonder.

Last week, STBXW sent me a form saying our house is no longer in a flood plain. That makes me laugh because we flooded in 2007 and it cost us $45k and if we didn't have flood insurance we really would have been up a creek.

I responded simply with "interesting"

[antlers]

"remember you will always be the bad guy in her eyes, that's the way she gets through this, just let as much of it slide by as you can, retaliation only feeds into her fantasy." - whatisis

Wow! That's plain and simple 'good stuff'!

It's very hard to be HATED by someone that once cared so much. It's very hard to be on the receiving end of the things that she and her lawyer are doing. It's very hard to watch the children being damaged by the decisions that she's making, and to feel like she isn't bothered by any of it in the least.

Remember this too, ClingingToHope...by making you responsible for all of it...she makes herself responsible for none of it! And that's probably not the reality of the situation. It rarely is.

How are you doing?

[whatisis]

I know just prior to our actual separation my wife was a royal bitch, she'd be berating me because she felt I hadn't handled our money well but, of course, she'd shown no interest in handling any aspect of the money herself for years. She'd ask me minute questions about every bill, here's an example,
Her: "what is this 49 cent charge on the phone bill"
Me: "I don't really know"
Her: "is there anything you actually do know"
Me: "I know you can shove that phone bill right up your @ss!"
Then it would get ugly!

[ClingingToHope]

Good Antlers. Stressing about money a bit. I have the girls three weeks out of the next seven and want to get a lot in -- just hoping I saved enough to make it through.

SR, eventually, if you are the bigger man, I have to believe some semblance of the woman you married will emerge and feel sorry for her actions. It could be a long time. If you let it eat away at you and lash out then, like whatisis said, it'll feed into her fantasy of it all being your fault.

Easier said than done. I do great on this -- until I see STBXW.

[TimeHeals]

Her: "what is this 49 cent charge on the phone bill"
Me: "I don't really know"
Her: "is there anything you actually do know"
Me: "I know you can shove that phone bill right up your @ss!"
Then it would get ugly!

Hahahaha. It was already ugly, but I imagine it would get really, really ugly then.

[whatisis]

Her: "what is this 49 cent charge on the phone bill"
Me: "I don't really know"
Her: "is there anything you actually do know"
Me: "I know you can shove that phone bill right up your @ss!"
Then it would get ugly!

Hahahaha. It was already ugly, but I imagine it would get really, really ugly then.

then the f words would start flying!
SR, just to continue my point about how crazy they can get, my wife said things like "I was never sarcastic until I married you" I was now to blame for her sarcasm, "I lost my faith (in God) because of you", I was to blame for her loss of belief too! Nothing is too far out when they are looking to make you the bad guy! It can change though after things settle down, who knows?

[ImprovedRomeo]

wii I'm ROFLMAO!!!

I haven't laughed this hard for months, thanks for that!

Guys I really appreciate all your input but my delimma is that I don't know how to respond to her. In some ways I go 'is it really worth arguing about? what's more important is DD and a few other things.' She's getting petty about stuff while I'm writing her checks for thousands of dollars but that's her, I don't have to stoop to her level. I can be me who's always had a big heart when it came to money and family. However, then I think about what Gardener said that I'll regret this in a few years giving her too much...but is it really too much what she's asking? I don't think so in the grand scheme of things.

After sleeping on it I'm leaning more towards saying something like: "let's not piece meal splitting assets. Whatever you want make a final list of it and let's work through the lawyers on it."

I don't want her to already take whatever's important to her and 4 months down the road starts to eye what's left. It'd be better if we decided it once and for all...a little bit of give and take is the only way I see moving forward. I think in order to "win" this I need to be prepared to walk away empty handed. Anything material that I value I need to stop valuing it. It's the only way I can deal with it in a business like manner.

[Gardener]

Romeo,

After sleeping on it I'm leaning more towards saying something like: "let's not piece meal splitting assets. Whatever you want make a final list of it and let's work through the lawyers on it."

Good.

I think in order to "win" this I need to be prepared to walk away empty handed. Anything material that I value I need to stop valuing it. It's the only way I can deal with it in a business like manner.

Yes, most of it is just stuff, but that doesn't mean you just let her take and take.

if you are the bigger man, I have to believe some semblance of the woman you married will emerge and feel sorry for her actions.

I believe this, too, CTH (maybe the spaceship will come back, take back the alien replica and return the original woman )
I really do believe this.
Maybe part of me needs to believe it.
Hang in there.

[ImprovedRomeo]

OK guys...

My finger's on the send button...let me know if I should change anything?

"Hi,
In regard to DD's school I'm not sure what there is to "clear up". She'll be in the XYZ Elementary public school and first grade in the fall. Please clarify what else there is to "clear up".

As for the phone line, like I said before I'll pay you for the last phone bill because of the mix up. If you're going to ask for the older bills then you owe me for the car and health ins, costco membership, DD's daycare costs from your side etc.

Finally, about the furniture let's not piece meal it. Instead, let's just figure everything out once and finalize the divorce.

Thanks.
PS. I'll pick DD up tomorrow around 9am, let me know if that works for you."

[OldFool]

From someone who's been there, let me give you the most important advice you will hear. Get the best divorce attorney you can afford...now...and make sure he/she is a pit bull. Then put him/her on a leash. You don't want to turn the dogs loose yet, but you want them ready in the pen. Our legal system is an adversarial one (any lawyer will tell you that) and if you are not prepared to defend yourself with no holds barred, you're a sitting duck (because the other side will). Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy about it. But it's how the game is played and there's nothing you can do about it.

Ask what you should do to protect yourself and put yourself in the best position for a divorce. I did not do this and wound up regretting it. But let me reiterate, at this point, this is for you and you alone. Get advice so you don't make stupid mistakes, but don't take any action with respect to the relationship. Don't say anything about the attorney, don't use the D word, don't let on that you are doing anything other than just carving out a life for yourself apart from her...just like she wants.

Perhaps I'll be proved wrong (that would be nice) and you'll all get through this and you can just dump the lawyer and forget the whole thing. But if not, you'll be ready when she claims custody, alimony, and child support. If she's unemployed, she's looking for a way to fund her new lifestyle, your D6 is looking like a fat check, and you're in the cross-hairs.

Like many folks, I thought we could be "civilized" about the D...everyone go their separate way and take what was theirs with them, but that went out the door when opposing counsel went for the jugular and left me with nothing while all the time I was telling my attorney "don't hurt her".

That doesn't mean your WAW will be as bad as my X, just that you should be prepared in the event she is. As they say, hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

My guess is she sees you as a sap who'll do anything. I'm no prognosticator, but I'd bet she files the D, then lets it drag on while she gets her life in order, all the while letting you go on "helping" her until either she tires of it, you quit doing it, or she no longer needs it, and then the hammer will drop. If someone asks her why you're helping her and if allowing it isn't kind of mean, her excuse will probably be, "He knows I'm divorcing him. If he wants to help me out, who am I to say 'No'? I'm not forcing him, you know."

Gird for battle. Yes, she's very polite...they always are, but her attorney will go after the family jewels (it's what they're trained for and why they're hired). My X said, "It's not personal, it's business" just before she cleaned me out. I don't recall that your STBXW was having a PA, but if she was, don't think it'll get you a break. Men generally feel guilty about having a PA and take less from the X to assuage it. Women often feel entitled to the PA and strip you clean anyway.

You're about to find out, first-hand, why I gave you that advice.

You seem to be forgetting that nothing...absolutely not one single syllable...she utters can be trusted at this point. You can negotiate a settlement, but only with the attorneys present and doing the negotiating. You fell for the sham "agreement" once before...shame on her. If you fall for it again, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Sure, spending money on attorneys is a total waste, but that's how she wanted to play the game. Now it's time that you stick to her rules. She wanted every man for himself? Fine, let the games begin. You seem to think that if you roll over, it'll be better. You're simply wrong. She and her attorney will go for everything the court will permit. What you do will have no effect on that. Of even greater importance is the fact that no one negotiates with a person who will roll over. In that kind of situation, you just demand more.

And don't get me started about the school. Sure, private school might be nice for the kid, but divorce is financially devastating and that's just the way it is. Time your STBXW gets a taste of that reality. Your D6 will be OK. The dirty little secret about education is that success is defined more by the parents and home than by the institution. My guess is your STBXW wants the prestige of a private school more than anything else. Stick to your guns. If she wants it so bad, your STBXW can pony up.

Someone mentioned about getting a second income. Talk with your attorney first. I've know guys who did, and the X came back later and took part of those earnings as well (meaning they were actually working harder just to make an even more comfortable life for the X).

You're headed into the thick of the storm now. Man-up, SR. You've just begun to see the ugliness inside your STBXW. I predict that within a month (maybe two) you'll be begging her to get away from you and stay away, just to stop the pain.