Donna, you could go through through all the coulda, woulda, shoulda's until dawn. It doesn't matter now. You seem to keep going back to this. The thing to really look at is how are you doing now? Have you worked on being the you that you want to be? Are you more content with your life now? Have you made changes in yourself that you are proud of?
You could drive yourself crazy looking back because you don't know what Chuck was thinking. The only thing you do know is about you.
Hang in there. kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Dopnna, Hopefully you were just having a bad, internalizing-the-rejection (The Journey From Abandonment To Healing) moment, but
Originally Posted By: Donna...Found
was I an underachieving wife? lazy, slacker, "didn't take care of him,"......all the old complaints that he dumped on me in the sudden flood after the bomb, things that I wasn't aware bothered him to such a deep extent and was never given the chance to address..., except that I should have been aware of it, should have known, should have worked harder at taking care of our marriage, of him, being an adult, in a relationship...all coming to the surface....blech. Was my x right about me, about our marriage, all along? I sometimes think that this is a life-lesson that I had to learn the hard way. That this is the way it had to happen, like he told his friends and family. And that he does have a better partner in the woman he left me for, the one he is still with. Is my son an underachiever due to my example?[quote]But be good to yourself when you get like this. top it.
Stop the internal dialog. Do something, go somewhere different immediately.Break the pattern. Say NO! to this kind of self-blame thinking.
Originally Posted By: kat27
Donna, you could go through through all the coulda, woulda, shoulda's until dawn. It doesn't matter now. You seem to keep going back to this. The thing to really look at is how are you doing now? Have you worked on being the you that you want to be? Are you more content with your life now? Have you made changes in yourself that you are proud of?
^^^THIS^^^
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I broke my a$$ at work today, then rushed out to see my kids before they went away for the weekend. Stupid highway closure backed up everything for miles - a normally-10-minute drive took an hour and 15 min.
Called S on the way to ask him to get his stuff together and take care of what he needed to do before I got there - got a ton of "yeah, yeah" back, normal teenage stuff but disrespectful and exasperating. I hung up on him. Got home and was immediately hit with nasty attitudes from both of them (more directed at each other, but still). Who had there feet in the way of the other, who touched the other's stuff, etc. I actually asked them on the drive over to their father's if they plan this crap so we don't miss each other so much on these weekends!
Pulled up to such a quaint scene - gf planting in the front garden with one of her daughters, x coming out smiling to greet our kids, her other kids in the yard. Puke.
There will be a time when I feel nothing when I come upon this in the future, right?
Just read this (funny, wasn't looking for it, just a random article) and wanted to remember it...
Quote:
Their significant other has left the scene in order to play out his idea of a relationship with a fresh person. It will be the same idea of the way he feels a relationship should go, just with a different person. This includes cheating on the new individual the way he did with the former. Men don’t cheat because the other person drives them to it – they cheat because they want (or even need) to in order to fulfill their model of what a relationship should be. (Games People Play, a popular book from the 1970s which breaks down the “mind games” that people play with each other, would have described it as living out their “script.”)
Cheaters tell themselves that they "deserve" to be happy and, naturally, it is their partners job to make them so. My wife said "Just because I took a vow that means I shouldn't be happy?" I think there are all sorts of reasons people cheat and the frightening thing for those of us who were left behind is how do you know whether the next R won't do the same. I think maybe that's why we obsess about figuring out why they did what they did. We think if we figure it out we'll be able to protect ourselves the next time. That's my theory anyway.
We think if we figure it out we'll be able to protect ourselves the next time. That's my theory anyway.
I was reading a neurology journal on the biochemistry and brain activity involved in early romantic love and post relationship grief for people who were dumped, and... to a certain extent, I am not so sure you have much of a choice ... at least in the initial stages of grieving.
The same brain centers that are active during actual physical pain are active along with patterns of activity typical among folks with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Now..., some folks recover faster than others, and some relationships take longer to recover from than others, but to a certain degree... the obsessive thing is built into the machine, so to speak.
That is an approximation of HOW.
WHY is a more interesting question.
When you feel physical pain like when you touch a hot stove, that seems to serve the purpose of making sure you learn not to grab ahold of things that are very hot.
I suppose the grieving phase after a relationship must serve a similiar purpose. I could be wrong.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 06/12/1009:36 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
My friend called me a bunch of times today with escalating crisis. She is the one who I met a few years ago at the beginning of my sitch at an Alanon meeting. Her stbx announced about 6 months ago that he was done, but then went back and forth at least 4 times. This last one, he had sex with her at least once this week, then told her today that he wants her out of the house (she has been a stay-at-home mom, about to finish her B.S.). She did the right thing -called the crisis hotline, then called me. She had been driving around, looking for a train. I got her to come to my house, then brought her up to the ER. They admitted her.
I wish there was more that I could do. When I came home, I ran into my FIL. And I thanked him for being there for me, and apologized for having put them through that.
I might not be 100% there yet, but am so grateful to be on the other side.
