Just found out she already filed

[whatisis]

It's a matter of catching yourself and asking "is this thought really helping me right now?" Let's say you do figure out why she's doing what she's doing or saying what she's saying would that change anything? It wouldn't. I think it's soothing or comforting in some way to persist in this type of thinking, it's what we become used to and strangely enough it can be comforting. People often stick to things that are bad for them because in some way it produces a secure familiar feeling. We've all done it SR, no shame in it. That's my theory on the reason we do what we do, not that it changes anything but...

[CityGirl]

Very good post, whatisis! I agree!

That is one thing my therapist taught me right off the bat. We develop coping mechanisms that are unhealthy but they are so familiar they start to feel "normal and safe".

When my anxiety was through the roof my coping mechanism was to pace (sometimes for 10-12 hours per day) or sit on a teeny tiny ottoman in my back hall. At the time both of those actions felt very safe and comforting to me but they were very unhealthy.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks guys. Hey CG, thanks for stopping by.

So her latest email and I don't know but it's really pissing me off:

"Ok, so I called and argued about the bill got it cancelled. The service that is. So, this bill of $49.06 covers phone for May-june and internet for may 2-june 2. There will be yet another bill for internet from june 3-today coming on/after July 2. So far you owe me for $101.57 for Mar/April, $49.06 that I have to pay today and then the pro-rated for June 3-11 which at $33/mo should be about $10. They wouldnt credit it. Not any of it no matter how mad I got.

Please let me know if you can bring any more of my books and stuff on Sunday or if you want me to drop off DD. I would also like to know when I can come and get furniture and whatnot and we should talk about that. I'm fine with discussing via email but whatever works for you. The furniture items I would like to have are: futon, coffee table, ikea shelf (in living room), kids rocking chair (was mine when I was small), sewing table, night stand, dresser, rattan outside chair with cushion, 2 ikea outside chairs and their stool.

thanks"

So she's keeping score of ever single little thing she purchased or that she wants or that I owe her but she won't see anything that I've been paying for. Maybe I should tell her she owes me x amount for the car insurance, medical insurance, DD's daycare I paid on both sides etc etc. Am I being a doormat if I keep saying 'sure, what else would you like' and she just keeps asking and taking more and more. Besides if she takes a lot of the furniture that means DD will be upset since now even the house will start to look different.

Need some input guys...I'm split between standing my ground for my own dignity and just paying her off to leave me the hell alone.

[whatisis]

So she's keeping score of ever single little thing she purchased or that she wants or that I owe her but she won't see anything that I've been paying for. Maybe I should tell her she owes me x amount for the car insurance, medical insurance, DD's daycare I paid on both sides etc etc. Am I being a doormat if I keep saying 'sure, what else would you like' and she just keeps asking and taking more and more. Besides if she takes a lot of the furniture that means DD will be upset since now even the house will start to look different.

Need some input guys...I'm split between standing my ground for my own dignity and just paying her off to leave me the hell alone.

SR, that's why I got a signed Separation Agreement before I left, all that's stuff gets decided and is in writing, not that that helps you right now but...Anyway, why do you sound surprised that she's counting every single thing and is carrying on this way. Hasn't this been the pattern? My advice is to not worry about being a doormat but think about what is fair. If you feel that she's asking for too much, taking too much then address it in a CALM BUSINESSLIKE manner. Remember this process is like a funeral, people get really strange when they start splitting up the deceased belongings. Your M is the deceased and you'll get the same weird, angry, bizarre behaviours. So, just try and keep centered on what is honourable and fair, you can't go wrong when you make decisions based on that, it can go real bad if you base it on emotion. Hey, maybe she shouldn't get jack sh!t until the divorce papers are signed, isn't that where all this stuff should be itemized anyway? Oops, is that my emotion talking! Lastly, and then I'll leave you alone, remember you will always be the bad guy in her eyes, that's the way she gets through this, just let as much of it slide by as you can, retaliation only feeds into her fantasy. OK, I'm gone!

[Gardener]

Romeo,

Am I being a doormat if I keep saying 'sure, what else would you like' and she just keeps asking and taking more and more.

Need some input guys...I'm split between standing my ground for my own dignity and just paying her off to leave me the hell alone.

Yes, frankly, you're being a doormat. Don't. I did in the beginning and Mr. post-bomb-Nice Guy gave away the store and regrets it today (see my latest post re: my beloved cat), for example.

kids rocking chair (was mine when I was small)

I vote No. Friggin'. Way. on this one.

Do the possessions division through lawyers, please.
And, p.s., Listen to wii, above, too. There is much wisdom in his post.

[ImprovedRomeo]

wii, don't leave me alone! I don't like being left alone

Gardener, thanks to you too for the wise words.

The thing is I don't really know what's fair. Technically I just need a couple of pots, plates, a bed and a blanket to survive but that's not fair...depending on who you ask. Can I live without the stuff she's asking for? sure. Is it fair that she wants things back especially the rocking chair from her childhood? I think so. Is it fair to me that she's taking this stuff leaving big gaping holes all over the house? could be is it fair to DD? likely not? will DD care? who knows...

Going through the lawyers is OK with me but I think it was the letter from my lawyer which made her ticked off. Not that I really care. However, even if I told her she's not getting anything until the divorce papers are signed (since this wasn't in the temp or separation agreement) I'm only delaying the inevitable and the issue will need to be dealt with then. Furthermore, she may get even more upset and go after even more things...not that there are any guarantees that she won't regardless but that'll increase the chances. So I feel I need to let her win a few of these battles so I can focus more on winning the war.

I was going to send her what Alice wrote tonight and I probably will. About the other stuff I'm thinking something like:

"Hi,
In regard to DD's school I'm not sure what there is to "clear up". She'll be in xyz public school district and xyz grade school in the fall. Please clarify what else there is to "clear up".

As for the phone bill, as I said before I'll pay you for the jun bill. You paid the old stuff on your own and while I'm appreciative of it I will not be paying you back for them. Just like I'm not asking you to pay back for a lot of stuff that I paid for (car/health ins, costco membership, DD's daycare costs from your side etc).

Lastly, I'm being more than reasonable thus far, however, if you take advantage of that then I'll cut off complete contact with you and go through the lawyers and let the court battles begin. You should know me better than anyone that if I set my mind to something I'll get it one way or another. Good thing is that I just want the divorce like you've always wanted so let's just get it done. Thanks."

[Gnosis]

Divorce is not about being fair. It's about business and who gets the better deal.

Itemize the items she wants and assign them a value. Since you are married they are part of the marital assets that will be split 50/50. I hope you have a list of items that she has taken already. If not draw up a list and include these latest items. Ask her to sign the paper that she acknowledges possession of these items and their value will be taken out of her part of the D settlement.

Better yet, reply that you are not comfortable parting with any possessions until the D is finalized.

[Gardener]

Romeo,

Technically I just need a couple of pots, plates, a bed and a blanket to survive

That's not the issue: that's all she needs, too.

Is it fair to me that she's taking this stuff leaving big gaping holes all over the house? could be is it fair to DD? likely not? will DD care? who knows...

You can fill gaping holes. You should fill gapijng holes and make the place your own and put your mark on it.

Going through the lawyers is OK with me but I think it was the letter from my lawyer which made her ticked off. Not that I really care. However, even if I told her she's not getting anything until the divorce papers are signed (since this wasn't in the temp or separation agreement) I'm only delaying the inevitable and the issue will need to be dealt with then.

Then deal with it then.

Furthermore, she may get even more upset and go after even more things...not that there are any guarantees that she won't regardless but that'll increase the chances. So I feel I need to let her win a few of these battles so I can focus more on winning the war.

One wins a war by winning the battles. Just stop giving her everything she wants just because she wants it and you - a nice guy - don't "need" it to survive.

Lastly, I'm being more than reasonable thus far...

And this will get you screwed.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I think I need to clarify a bit. Most of the stuff she's asking for is what she'd purchased when we were separated (minus two things). When we reconciled we got rid of the redundant stuff (mostly mine since it was older).

Now, the trick is how the previous separation is treated I'd rather it be treated as separation because she racked up *a lot* of CC debt which I don't want any part of. Two, she has taken things that I could consider marital assets such as jewelry, sewing machine, other gifts and items but if I treat all this stuff as marital assets she could treat my things as marital assets too which are more valueable to me.

So the value of the stuff she's asking for is really nothing...it's just how I want to make the next move is what it's about and what I'm trying to figure out.

[ImprovedRomeo]

OK, I reworded and shortened it a bit:

"Hi,
In regard to DD's school I'm not sure what there is to "clear up". She'll be in xyz public school district and xyz grade school in the fall. Please clarify what else there is to "clear up".

As for the phone line, like I said before I'll pay you for the last phone bill. I have not asked you to pay me back for a lot of stuff i.e. car/health ins, costco membership, DD's daycare costs from your side etc.

Finally, I'm not comfortable parting with any possessions until the divorce is finalized. Thanks."

Yes/No?