Hey everyone - well it Tuesday morning and I had a pretty significant weekend with my WAW - actually I think all the advice and strategies are working pretty well - it's just all about patience and more patience!
After the huge blowup Friday, Greek on the NC board made a suggestion regarding our family outing on Sunday- " I'm taking my family, that includes you if and only if you are not having any type of affair with him - end it now". Well I sent it to her via tm as that's here preferred way to communicate these days and got a message back that she wanted to talk again that night. We hadn't seen each other all day as I was gone when she left for a all day bike ride - no problem.
So when she did get home she wanted to know where I had been - just out was the reply, and I'm tired I'm going to bed. She followed right up, when we got to bed I asked her if she was going in the morning with us and she said yes, I then asked if she got my tm as well - yes and fine she said she would end all contact with OM - tm, phone, gym, facebook, bike rides and any other contact period. She said fine, but it would not change her mind about anything by not talking with him, but I held fast with the Allen A mantra and left no quarter. She also brought up my FB list and threw out there that how did she know that I wasn't doing the same with my "friends" as well, I asked her why would she care and got a troubled "I don't know" - another plus! Her real fear may be that the kids will find out and paint her as the bad guy I think - but it's still a step in the right direction. First thing in the morning she told me without asking her that he was off her lists- so step one!
The family outing went very well, we all got along great, showed some more 180's and had a very good day especially with everything going on. Monday came along and we both got a bit of a shocker from our oldest S22, he called her and wanted to know what was going on between us, that we were getting divorced and she was leaving the home. Well turns out that we had both shared our situation with some very close friends - here with the wife and me with the husband - which then got to their daughter and she told our oldest D19 who called our S22. Well obviously not the way we wanted to discuss the situation with them, but we both talked to them together and she did say that we didn't know what was going to happen and we were in limbo and that nothing was going to happen at least through the end of summer with everyone home. So at least 3 months of busting my butt on my 180's and lifestyle changes - another positive imo. She also went on to say to me that she was still in the "same place" but maybe she needed to talk to another therapist that wasn't so closed minded, someone with other ideas and options (something like that). I brought up joint counseling and did not push - just a seed of thought, I've found that is solution based from the list posted on the boards here.
This morning we were talking quite nicely together and she did bring up that she would need someone new to ride with (OM was riding with her) and I did not push the comment just listened to the new names that were all couples, another plus.
As far as exposure to the OMW - well I think I am going to see how this plays out for a bit - wait and see how long the phone block discovery takes if at all and take from there- my personal therapist has made a good point I think in that exposure could be a significant setback as she would probably see me as hurting a friend and elevate resentment even further - so it's a wait a see approach from here - she blows up on the block and that's my cue to take it to the next level. I told her I trust her - as she doesn't trust me in the least as to my 180's being real - so a bit of in your face - let's see how she does......
All for now and thanks all!
DangerDave
Me 49 H 46 M 23yrs T 25 yrs Bomb Drop 4/2010 S22/D19/D15/S13
Same roof, different beds
"Honestly I can say this trip into my own private hell is a journey that I know now I had to take."
I don't think you need to expose to OM's wife now (so long as she abides by no-contact), but I do think your wife needs to send this man a no-contact letter, and the two of you need to set up a good transparency plan.
Was this discussed? Without it, even if her INTENTIONS are sincere, she may be unable to overcome the addiction of OM, and the recidivism rate of these things is VERY high if he keeps pursuing her.
Hello again! Time for an update and I hope some more solid advice! So chime in if you have the time!
It's been about two weeks since my last post, and I have some updates!
The OM seems to be out at this point, the cells' been blocked and she has not mentioned it at all - she did have one slip at the gym class - thought he was on vacation and her girl friend was subbing as instructor and it wasn't. She came clean when I inquired and I simply and calmly reminded her of the NC clause that she agreed to - I said nothing else in terms of consequences - she said that she had complied with all the other "rules" and didn't know - I'll go with that - strike one in the back of my mind - but a check swing so to speak.
So onto my GAL and 180's - 180's are working pretty well I think, dressing nicely, looking sharp always, chatting with her about her work and biking, my new house hold routines continue, and working more closely with the kids - all which I like as well - nice to be part of the household!
As for GAL's - well this is where it kinda, maybe, sorta went backwards, I'm not sure really!!
1.So as part of my new life adventure I got a tattoo a week plus ago, first one ever, always wanted one and didnt tell her - was waiting until healed - she wanted to know why I was wearing a shirt to bed and just told her I would tell her later. Well Saturday afternoon it came up again and she was getting po'd that I was being elusive about it - so off came the shirt and there it was - she was a bit shocked and speechless - "it's your body do what you want" but she did want to know the significance of the design ect later.
2. That same Saturday she new I was going out to a dinner party alone, with some acquaintances, not close friends, that was part of a charity fundraiser - quite the upper class set as well - a bit above us actually. As I left dressed to the 9's she asked if I was planning on coming home that night and I said " I would assume so" - not a definitive yes, but not a no either.
3. That same Saturday night I get a text from her about her wedding rings - all four of them. Another respected member here suggested that since she was not wearing them anymore that I put them in a safe place, rather than the kitchen counter porcelain box she had one set in, so I took those and her other set in our vanity and put them in my dresser in a watch box. Well she found them later that night (another text) and when I got home everything was in their original boxes along with all her Tiffany jewelery as well, waiting for for me to have back.
4. I stayed out until midnight and she came downstairs and we chatted a bit - after I read the four page hate mail letter I found on the entry table (I'll save those comments for another post). I explained why I moved her rings and that I had no intention of "taking" them from her- well that didn't sink in and she would not take them back - another nice note was left for me in the garage with some biking gear I had bought her that said "I never want anything from you!"
5. Well I put the bike gear back on her bike and put the rings all in her vanity in the boxes she had put them in - didn't touch them otherwise. I did not say a word about any of it.
6. About 3 days later she got to one of my buttons and I didn't blow up but she could tell I was upset - really upset about one of her actions. She came upstairs, I tossed her my ring and said "that's I have from you" and she stormed out, came back and started in on the R and all the control I was pushing on her- well I managed to get out of that with some lighthearted humor about her setting me up and pushing my buttons, and we were both laughing about it when we were done talking.
7. The next day I noticed that she had gotten some of the bike stuff I bought and wore it to the gym - I said nothing about it. She brought it up that evening and I gave her a look of total bewilderment - she smiled coyly and said "what?" I think I told her she was driving me crazy (in a nice way).
8. Last night she had to stay at her moms (medical reason) and I saw that she took her rings and bracelets with her - we had a party to go to that night - we had to arrive separately,I was looking very nice as was she, and she had her rings on. I told her privately that she looked beautiful and kissed her hand - trust me a 180 here for me! The rest of the party went quite well and we actually text-ed that night back and forth quite a bit - another 180.
9. Today things were ok when I got home, she was a bit stand offish, I think because she may have felt she let her guard down too far the night before. As she was heading out to shopping though, she asked why I had gotten new colonge - I said I had been using my old stuff (which she bought) for quite a while and just wanted something new. She stormed out and sent me a text 5 minutes later that said "BTW as long as we are still married, I will wear my wedding ring out of respect"
Ok so now what the hell - am I doing things right, wrong or a mixture - I can't tell what end is up or down and I think I am going crazy with this dam woman I love!
Advice or suggestions - sorry for the long post!!
DangerDave
Me 49 H 46 M 23yrs T 25 yrs Bomb Drop 4/2010 S22/D19/D15/S13
Same roof, different beds
"Honestly I can say this trip into my own private hell is a journey that I know now I had to take."
Before I met my STBXW, my only friends here locally were single women (ahem). That went away.
I work from home. I'm a transplant (lived in CA 30 years, NY for 10 years, been here 5 years).
I expect there are many of us corporate types in a similiar boat.
I probably should (and will) join a gym (just to get out more than I do). I should probably take the dogs to the dog park and such more often. Not into bars at all, and Church... well, I have nothing against religion, but I'm not interested in Church. At 45 and working from home in an area where I have few ties (parents live 30 miles from here), things are a bit different than when I was 30 and would just go hang out in a club and watch a band and pick up a few phone numbers and so on.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
