Don't (or never) make someone the priority when you're the option.
This is PROFOUND!
NOW I "get" the allure of the OW! This is what she does! She teases him, he wants her, but since he goes home to his family every night and she's not HIS priority, she refuses to make HIM hers...and it's making him crazy addicted!
It's like he's Tantalus in Greek Mythology, stuck in a lake (marriage), obsessing over the alluring fruit that's just out of his reach (OW).
So the purpose of the 180 is to "unlock" the lake and let him grab the fruit -- which he does, greedily. But with a 99% failure rate, he predictably grows weary of the fruit, heads back to the lake...and discovers it has disappeared in his absence. OMG! That wasn't supposed to happen! How's he supposed to get back to his family?!
He panics and starts doing all kinds of silly rain dances, trying to entice a deluge to refill the lake so he can go home. If it rains right away, he's relieved. But if it doesn't...he panics again.
How could he be so foolish?! Was he REALLY that short-sighted? Will he EVER see his family again?
If he does, he will CERTAINLY think twice about EVER reaching for that ridiculous fruit again...
So...
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, it to REVERSE the position of the fruit and lake in his mind. Right now, the lake is the shackle, the fruit is the temptress. But once he gets a taste of the temptress, he'll realize just how good he had it at the lake.
But when he goes back to the lake...it's gone! Now the LAKE becomes the ideal, the temptress the disappointing, grim reality.
NOW I get it!
To quote Shakespeare, "Lord! What fools these mortals be!"
Are you willing to be divorced right now? WIll you follow through? Are you ready? If so, then yes- I support your decision to tell her that if she doesn't stop contacting OM you will file for D.
If not, then if she doesn't stop contacting OM you need some space to think about your future.
yes, Red, I thinkit makes sense- if our WAS do not see us as their priority, then we shouldn't be treating them as ours! But is OW/OM playing that same game? I don't know....
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Are you willing to be divorced right now? WIll you follow through? Are you ready? If so, then yes- I support your decision to tell her that if she doesn't stop contacting OM you will file for D.
I reworded to "I will leave this marriage" and after todays MC session, WW knows I'm dead serious.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
In MC, I set the boundary of no contact with OM with a consequence of me leaving the marriage.
Due to previous blowups at home and to temper the situation, I'm staying with family and we are in family counseling to work through some anger issues that one of our DD's is having...more of a trial separation for a short period than an LS. We set some goals and I let WW know that the boundary that I set in our last MC session is still a condition for me to return to attempt R.
Now, I have no reason to believe that WW will stop contact with OM based on the text exchange that we had a few days ago. WW said she has a problem with being told that she cannot talk to OM as "friends". WW says that I'm going to have to trust her that the contact with OM is strictly as "friends". I told her I can't trust her unless there is transparency. WW says she doesn't know if I will ever trust her again and that is one thing she really needs to think about...is she willing to live that way and that this is about her & I not OM. I'm not sure if she is talking about transparency or trust overall...her phone and computer both have passwords.
My sitch seems to be somewhere between MLC and EA!
I've been in NC with WW except for logistics of kids but have called (one of my DD's usually answers the phone)daily to talk to DD's and tell them IMY ILY and Goodnight. I have them for weekends Friday - Sunday.
My GAL activities: Learning guitar Surfing Went for a beer by myself at a bistro near my where I'm staying Reading self help books Reading other DB stories on these boards Going for walks Just being genuinely pleasant.
Part of my problem is that I let WW and our relationship define me rather than me defining me...make sense?
So I'm starting to build more self esteem and confidence that no matter what, I'll be fine and if we D, then someday WW will look back and lament the mistake that she made!
Last edited by loweinsd51; 06/17/1002:07 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
If you set the boundary, you need to stick to it if you want her to respect you.
She can choose to talk to OM, but the consequence is that you may choose to leave the M if she crosses your boundary.
You haven't told her she cannot talk to OM. She's a big girl, and can make her own choices about who she talks to or associates with.
She can make whatever selfish and foolhardy choices she wants, but also needs to be able to feel the consequences of those choices.
Yes...agree
WW still thinks that I'm trying to "control" her.
When I asked WW if she would blindly trust me if the roles were reversed she said she doesn't know and that her way of thinking has radically changed the last few months.
To which I replied: Yes, you have changed and sometimes I don't recognize you.
Last edited by loweinsd51; 06/17/1003:00 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
