Need help Busting Affair.

[Allen A]

It helps to know you aren't crazy at the very least.. and it is educational for those who are younger and haven't lived through the nightmare...

You dont need to read that though no...

Have you tried exposing using the phone to friends while your H is in earshot?

I reccomended this some time ago and I think it is still a good tactic to bring out some guilt and shame in the WS

You don't even need to have anyone on the other line... just chat on the phone, discuss his infidelity in detail and how terrible a father he is very casually and then hang up.. he will FEEL like you are talking to someone and HEAR exactly what you are saying, it can be quite a shock.. he will likley get very angry...

Tell him if he's comfortable with the horrible thing he's doing to you and your child then he needs to suck it up...

Tell him if he's NOT comfortable with the horrible thing he's doing to you and your child then he needs to KNOCK IT OFF

Then walk away

[elvencat]

Have you tried exposing using the phone to friends while your H is in earshot?

I thought about this, but I was trying to decide how to handle it if he accuses me of disrespect when I told him how disrespectful it is to talk to OW in the house and in front of DD and me. I like your responses to any anger.

I have the perfect friend to do this with, too. She's an old girlfriend of his who just happens to be one of my best friends from college. Funny how things work out. Huh? She and I have been talking about a lot about what happened in their relationship and how it was so similar to what is happening now. She also thinks, since I have a graphic design background, that instead of putting together a flyer, make a brochure about the dangers of infidelity in marriage, how it is an addiction danger, and the impact on all inolved, including the OW.. and put OW's name as referenced for request for more information in a prominent location on the brochure. And putting them in stacks in high traffic areas.

[Allen A]

Yup... Could do.. I am pretty high exposure, you could put them up at the university too if you wanted...

If he makes a comparison with your exposure and his phone calls


I am protecting my daughter and my home by speaking up - you are cowering and ashamed of my exposing the truth.

Do you think in twenty years your daugther isn't going to hear what an ass her father was to her and her mother? Think again.

or

Your calls are sleazy, underhanded, and threaten your daughter's home and family - mine protect your daughter's home and family. When you make calls celebrating family values instead of celebrating a sleazy affair they are welcome in this home any time.


And walk away

[newmama]

Did I already suggest using FB to expose OW? Are there any legal issues with that?

And elvencat, if you were wondering, I am pretty sure the reason why Allen is pressuring you to expose is that the sooner you bust the A,the sooner you can work on reconciliation. Seriously, most As do end, but can take 6 mo-2 years! This is where I am stuck!

So do the best you can with exposure. But you are supposed to be loving and kind to your H at the same time, I think (Plan A?)

[elvencat]

Yup... Could do.. I am pretty high exposure, you could put them up at the university too if you wanted...

If he makes a comparison with your exposure and his phone calls


I am protecting my daughter and my home by speaking up - you are cowering and ashamed of my exposing the truth.

Do you think in twenty years your daugther isn't going to hear what an ass her father was to her and her mother? Think again.

or

Your calls are sleazy, underhanded, and threaten your daughter's home and family - mine protect your daughter's home and family. When you make calls celebrating family values instead of celebrating a sleazy affair they are welcome in this home any time.


And walk away

Love it. I'll see what I can do early next week (since I'll be gone for the weekend) on the brochure and come back with it. Maybe others would like it as well.

I'm heading to my mom's for the weekend with DD where we're visiting with family in from out of town and attending a town festival. I'm planning on having lots of fun and not communicating with H at all unless DD specifically asks - and then it's only DD and daddy talk, I won't have to get on the phone at all.

[Allen A]

Just pass this article out to everyone, it should do the trick :


Love As An Excuse For Infidelity

Penny R. Tupy 2003

So often in my work with spouses whose mates are in the midst of an affair I hear the anguished fear that because he or she claims to be, "in love" with the affair partner, it must mean that the marriage is over and the cheating lovers are meant to be together. Soulmates - because they now feel the intense passion of a fantasy relationship.

But of course they are, "in love." That's what an affair is. It's what the addiction is. It's an emotional response (without rationality, commitment or long term thinking) that causes us to do things that are not in our best interests and that hurt other people and destroy what we have worked hard to build in our lives - things like homes and families.

The idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous. As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time.

The interesting thing about new infatuation/love is that we are blinded by the offensive or objectionable things at first. I think the pleasure of having needs met by someone new captures our attention to the point that we block out the less desirable traits. But like any addiction, what worked at first to create a high soon becomes not enough - we want more. When that happens in romantic relationships the irritating things seem to grow in proportion as the pleasure from getting needs met slackens. Unless real change takes place at this time - unless the real work of building a relationship kicks in - romantic love will wane.

This is when the instinct to demand more, to be rude or even to lose our tempers takes over. This is when the internal shift from, "You are so wonderful, what can I do for you," to "You aren't doing enough for me and I'm not willing to do anything for you - you jerk," occurs. This is where real marriage happens, when we move from - feeling like it- to making the commitment to doing what it takes to craft a truly connected and compatible relationship. This is where real love is grown.

For those, who have never honored commitment when the going got tough this is where they begin to bail. So, yes, I am sure that affair partners are in love. Does that mean it's the right place for them or that they have met 'the one'? Of course not. It means that they are in the habit of going for the feeling rather than committing to doing the work of making a truly successful relationship. Unless something greatly changes for these men and women, they will do the same again, and again. They will not find lasting happiness until they get it that marriage is more than feeling. Being in love is important, but staying there is what separates the men from the boys.

Be an advocate for marriage. When you hear of infidelity, take a stand. Refuse to condone affairs and "friendships" that threaten the integrity of the marriage bond. Educate your friends and families on the seriousness of becoming involved outside the marriage. Love is not an excuse for betrayal and abandonment. Love based on that foundation is like a house built on sand.

All the best,
Penny

[Allen A]

or as shown just hedge a piece of it...

[elvencat]

What I think I'm going to do is gather and reference several well-known authors and some of their work such as this article. Thanks for that one!

I know it will come out that I at least had something to do with this (whether they can prove it or not) and I want to look at my H and be able to say, "There are several well respected authors referenced here. And I find it very interesting that they all agree. Do you have any published, and well respected, authors to reference who refute these statements?"

[Allen A]

Woah... be VERY careful referencing MWD, if your husband finds HER name he finds this site... I have seen it happen too many times to talk about.. this is your sanctuary, do NOT give that info out about dbusting or MWD if yoru H might find it

[elvencat]

Right... will do that, hadn't intended on mentioning MWD anyway, just the other authors I've seen repeated here. If I still do this..... see below:

I have some news that I have to share. I know I can't pin all my hopes on this, but I need help keeping it in perspective. H actually started a fight with me tonight. H never starts fights by direct conflict, its always by goading, so this was new. He got to his breaking point when DD asked where he was going and he said "to a friend's house" and I said "No, he's going to OW's." H lost it. (I want to add we had this fight in front of MIL and FIL.)

He shouted at me for practically an hour about things I was doing to make his life miserable. All the while I calmly refuted his statements, said "sorry u feel that way" and reiterated how HIS choices were fueling the current issues.

Eventually he called into question what someone had said to me about how something had happened and told me I'd made it up (don't really want to get into it, but was about how someone was supporting my viewpoint, not his). I told him if he'd like to see the original message he was more than welcome to read it because I didn't have anything to hide. He said yes and spent quite a while reading the messages.

After he had read the messages, he just sat kinda in a daze. I told him I felt he was addicted to an outside relationship because:
1. he lied
2. he continued to keep himself away from family
3. he manipulated me by telling me what I wanted to hear
etc.....

We talked a lot about aspects of our relationship we saw differently and why and how some things he was accusing me of doing, I felt like he had been doing and so on... basically I felt it was the first time we had actually had CONVERSATION rather than a ONE SIDED ARGUMENT.

H started speaking in "what if's" rather than absolutes. As in:
1. "What if I quit talking to OW, I feel like she's a big part of my support network. What will I do instead."
2. "I still do not want to go to a marriage counselor. What if I did and he tried to tell me what to think."
3. "What if we worked on our marriage. What would change?"

He told me that this weekend, while DD and I were gone, he'd spend the time thinking about his actions and my actions and how he felt about what was most important to him.

He asked me for a hug and apologize for starting the fight. He hasn't asked for a hug in months, and hasn't apologized for anything for a while either.

At the end, though, he still went to OWs house, and I and DD left for my parents. So... one step forward, two steps back?