I am back...and finding me

[ericmsant2]

Missher

Thank you for your post. In my state we are technically legally separate right now. Once a filing is made you are legally separated and automatic court orders are put in effect i.e. cannot transport the kids out of state, continue to pay bills, etc. So we are separated.

I had alot of agnst and apprehension around the separation aggreement and really felt I was helping end my M which I desparately did not want to do.

Oh...did you say agnst - yeah I feel that right now. I helped provide all of the info that she needed and the next steps are for the 4 of us (me, her and both L's) to sit down and see if we can hammer out an agreement. If we can then our next court date would be 8/14, at which time we will be divorced. If we cannot agree on things then wewill need to litigate, which I think both of us do not want.

they equally don't trust us.....they don't want to let down thier guard. They do not want to get hurt again,

I agree 100% that the trust is gone right now. Could it be rebuilt – yes. The issue we BOTH have is that neither of us wants to get hurt again and which one of us is willing to bend. I suspect (must point out that this is my projection of what she is feeling and I know it is just that) that she feels a sense of “entitlement” and appears to still be in a “victim state” – in other words she is not yet ready to look at her own issues. I now understand that this is outside of my control.

they see some changes in us for sure

I’m not sure my W does… sorry to say. IMO – while OM is in the picture and with the girlfriends more than likely egging her on, I do not believe that she will see anything. Right now, she is happy. Right now, she has no incentive to really work on herself. None. This too I cannot control. I am not trying to be negative just realistic. What I do have control over is ME. How I react. I am taking time right now to really heal. To really focus on letting her go. She continues to be civil as do I but I am not ready to “take a step”, while someone else is in the picture. Deep down she knows that I love her. Right now…it is so about her and I understand that, which I why I let go. She may stumble, she may not. As her world changes and evolves – so does mine. Do I still want my M? Yes. Do I control what she feels? NO. I have finally learned the lesson that I was meant to learn. I have finally learned her own growth as a person, as a women was stunted. Was I totally to blame? No. She will need to learn the lesson of life that I have learned. Some will come with consequences, some will not. Either way, I will always love her and will always be there for her regardless of what she does or says to me. This my friend is my gift. It is in a weird way…her gift to me…the gift of true love….. My gift to her is the same….true love. The love to let her be….let her grow into the person that SHE wants to be…not that I WANT her to be.

they might feel like that legal document is the parachute. It sucks but that is what we have to give them.

You are correct. I will not contest the D but will protect my interest, specifically my kids and the ability to at least cloth, house and feed myself.

It definitely is a delicate balance between protecting yourself and your kids and trying to keep the peace between you and your W.

Oh…yes it is!!!!! Delicate balance is an understatement. I have found that we have both done things to protect our interest. Unfortunately, it is the nature of the beast. Keeping the peace….my goal. I will do the best that I can. I have no expectation from her. The only one I guess that I truly have is that she will continue to worry about herself, which I understand. I do not believe that she intentionally hurts me – she herself hurts.

Miss – I have watched your sitch from a distance. I have seen the positives from you W. I have seen you fall and then pick yourself up. You have been an inspiration to me – thank you for that.

God Bless,
Eric