Help

[MESSIMADE]

Steve:
Yes I realize/realized a long time ago what I did was stupid. Point taken. Now I am looking for help to write the wrongs that I have done. There is no justification for what I did, it is just plain wrong. I think we all can agree on that point.

I have given an open book account of this mess I made. Its not pretty, I'm ashamed of what I have done. I am just simply asking for help. I don't have an explination for some of the things I did, they disgust me, they embarass me and my family. They were things that I didn't think I was capable of. Again I am only asking for help. I realize you don't believe what I have written, but hey I'm getting used to that. You are right, why should you believe me. If I could lie to someone that I loved for so long, why couldn't I lie to you guys?

Well I am / was tired of lies. Tired of trying to decide to tell the truth or not. Tired of being this monster that I created. Tired of living a double life. Just tired of all the bull [censored] I have created and put in my life and "forced" upon my wife, childern, family, and freinds. Do you know what it feels like to want to die? I mean truely want to die? (I hope not for your sake!) I'd never thought like that before, but I did at one time shortly before I came clean to my wife. I was misserable. You know what set me free and lifted that weight off my shoulders? The truth. The truth saved me. The truth I told my wife, the truth I told my parents, the truth I told her parents, the truth I told our friends, the truth I have told total strangers (this site).

So Steve I agree with you. To let this happen I have some serious character flaws and I'm trying to find those flaws and fix them. These flaws have ruined my marriage and my relationship with my children, but I am trying to and wanting to fix that also. Unfortunately I haven't been able to do that on my own yet and that is why I'm asking for help.