Still Moving Forward

[BeingMe]

Thanks for all the responses. I really appreciate them.

I won't just dump this on him ... he is very stressed over a difficult project. He will be out of town again next week, so there is time to think about this. My next MRi is next Tuesday and my oncology doctor appointment on the 28th June. I am more focused on the outcome of the MRi than my M. I pray for a good outcome. If the worst happens, then there is no point in sending this email. But, I am hopeful, have a positive outlook, I choose life and want to so much live it and do so my way.

Sadly, this M is toxic to me, emotionally. I feel stressed and sad when I think about it. I try to think beyond it, and how that would look like. It has outlived it's "by date" and neither one of us is getting any emotional use out of it. It's like a used toothpaste tube, twisted, and flattened and wrung out as much as it can be and now, there just isn't any toothpaste left to squeeze out. It just lies there in the medicine cabinet, and every now and then taken out to see if anymore paste can be had. Then put back after it is shown that no amount of rubbing, or squeezing, or massaging the tube is going to produce any results. Nothing left except the shape of what was. We needed a new tube, but couldn't decide on the brand, and now the teeth is going, and still we can't get it together.

I think if we really loved each other, we would find a way. But, not even this tumour has enabled him to find a way to express his love and devotion to me. Yes, he is upset, and sad about it (or, he was at the beginning, but now it has become "you are strong, BM" which I am, but sometimes I want some emotional, husbandly comfort, a chance to lean on him and lend his strength, but it's just not there).

Anyway, there is no rush to end the M ... sometime this year. I try to live my life as best I can under these circumstances. No choice, really.

Here is my revised email: "Dear H, five years ago, we came here to make a fresh start, but nothing has changed. In fact, I feel things have gotten worse in our M, if that's possible. I no longer want to live as your wife. Perhaps we can separate, or divorce ... that's up to you. I don't mind living in the same house, if it suits you with all your travelling for work. It would save money.

I hold no grudge, or feel any ambivalence toward you. I just don't want to live in this M that has become a lie. I like you, but I don't feel any romantic love. I suspect you feel the same.

Financially and as parents we will always be tied. All of that side of the M will have to be discussed and organised and I hope with a measure of fairness and respect.

I am sorry it has come to this. I loved you passionately during our 24 year marriage, but now I just feel sad and disconnected. I care about you as the father of our children, and as a dear friend that I hope we can become. I surely do need the comfort of friends at this time.

H, I wish you happiness. Twenty four years is a long time being together as a couple, so let's end it with dignity, showing the children how it can be done.

Your wife, BM"