Not sure which way to go anymore

[Abbey]

The loneliness is so hard to swallow, as you know. Ironically, it'll also be something that works in your favor when your H decides to grow back his brain.

Again goes to that concept of: I have to find a way to have an affair with my own husband. Maddening yes, ... but given the right state of mind, you're stacking the deck in your favor.

The whole thing is "your" state of mind. And yes, I know what it's like to be somewhere that has nothing to do with the memory that pops in your head. I was sitting at a red light and suddenly memories of me and H golfing in St Kitts popped in my head. No rhyme nor reason. And bloody maddening and it hurts like crazy.

Those btw, don't go away so easily, they're often replaced with feelings of despair for the despair you felt when you were alone. It's apparently part of the mourning process, after the fact. (I'm going through some of that now. - anger, sadness, regret etc). The things that I did to make me happy back then, are the things that seem to balance out those feelings of anger etc now. I liked being on the phone for 2 hours with friends having a glass of wine, talking about anything and everything. I liked going to bed early etc etc. Embrace that, as hard as it might seem now.

Get your head on straight ... staighter than it's ever been. You'll need that strength to move to the next stages. The more you really become rock solid, the more you'll be able to stand your ground and get what you need and want. I still think you're in this game... now you have to put the puzzle pieces in place to move on to the next phases.

As for fears. Again... one of the biggest things women seem to have with divorce... is the fear of loneliness. Once you give yourself a sense of what you can do with the free time... it's not so scary. Let's put it another way... I was exactly where you are right now. Now, if I *wanted* to,... I could walk away and not blink once in fear for the future alone. Once you get secure in that feeling of thriving (not just surviving)... you'll have a much easier time dealing with a D, if it turns that way. You won't have to gear yourself to deal with it, you'll find you've already built the skills to help you just go with it.

*hugs*
Abbey

*hugs*