Well, unfortunately initiating anything physical is out of the question right now. She has distanced herself and we are only close around the kids. We are having trouble communicating, too. We keep things light and easy when we are together and avoid the tough talks because right now we have different goals.
I do plan things and try to make them fun for all of us. She doesn't say no, but at the same time it's not getting me anywhere. We have taken the kids to the zoo, swimming, etc. and it's fun, but that's all it is. She talked about going to the aquarium this weekend. Some have suggested I say no. Say something like, "You have made it clear that you want to get away from me, so I am not going to the aquarium b/c I am trying to give you what you want." She says we're good friends but she isn't acting like it.
Making myself attractive takes time. I don't know how much of that I have. It bothers me that she doesn't see how much I have changed. She acknowledged it in therapy, but she seemed to have a too little too late attitude about it.
But what is really eating at me is therapists. Our new MC told me this: I asked her how she deals with couples with opposing goals? I am sure it's common. She said she tries to help each person achieve his/her goal. My W's personal T probably has the same attitude because my W's goal is to destroy her family and she seems to be helping her do that. That's what I don't understand about T. I haven't been a "bad" H. Not a drinker, not the partying type, not abusive, not a screamer, no drugs, no cheating, etc. I am guilty of being thoughtless at times. But I love my W and my twin boys more than anything -- I would walk through fire for them. How can a T meet a client and hear her say she wants to run from her M and actually SUPPORT that??? It's insane to me.
Last night she seemed like she's more distant again -- even a bit angry and frustrated. I made the most AMAZING thin crust, grandma-style pizza which she said she didn't want. She ordered Japanese but said I should make the pizza if I want it. I did. When it was done I cut her a piece and gave it to her and she ate it and said it was "good." We sat and had dinner and then she left to her room. I went to my room feeling tired and just thinking how lonely I felt in my own house with my family. I felt like an outsider...detatched in a way. It's a sickening feeling. I wanted to scream, "What the heck are we doing?!! This is so stupid! We are a family! We have two amazing kids! Let's stop acting like this!!!"
Do you think she feels the same way?
I laid down and fell asleep.
Let me share this passage from the book "How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It"
“Men have a hard time giving the reasons they value their wives, because their wives are the reason they value everything else. Women make it possible for their men to find enjoyment in watching sports, cooking, tinkering with the car, and hanging out with friends – plus, she gives meaning to his going to work every day. We can say with confidence to the majority of women reading this book that, without you, he would just go through the motions of life. Be very clear about this: In all likelihood, you provide the meaning of his life.”
