Hmmmm, my H really didn't want to share much of his childhood issues with me...I knew some early on...learned some really bad stuff when he left and while he was gone...but pretty much since his return that subject isn't discussed...and is what pretty much led to his use of alcohol so when he quit that and got IC he did discuss it with someone else...without me there...so you might encourage him to talk to an IC about his childhood issues if he thinks he needs to. This might start the road to recovery...my H only discussed it with me when he was drunk...it was THAT bad...
I don't see a problem with the card but then I don't give FD cards anyways so what do I know?
Learning to listen was a biggy for me too...still working on not interupting cause I think I know what he is going to say...
Don't over do the "you can talk to me about anything"...that might start to feel like pressure to talk to you and subtle control issues at wanting to know what he is thinking...my H got extremely private about his feelings a lot when he was working through his "journey".
What would you say to a male friend that opened up to you about something very private from his past? I would say something like, "Wow, that's some really big stuff you're carrying around. Says something about you that you've been dealing with all that and coping with life in general too." At least, that's close to what I've said to some of my men friends in the past when big stuff has been shared.
I like this a lot! I'm going to commit this to memory so when the occasion arises I'll have it ready to use!
The last time we really talked was early May, just before we officially separated and started moving in and out of the house. He talked about not being able to let go of things, said he was f'd up before he met me. He almost seemed embarrased to share it because he thinks it's too 'childish' to have carried around with him - even said something along the lines of "how do you go to an IC and tell them something from your childhood is still there, that you haven't let it go" yet it bothers him enough that he cried when he was thinking about it. That night I said something like "being hurt isn't childish, and when someone hurts us and we recall it, it's like being that age all over again, it hurts just as much until we learn to let it out and let it go - after that the offender can't hurt us anymore". To which he replied, with tears still coming down his face "what if the offender is God?". Then he wouldn't talk anymore.
My question is ... do I ever mention this? If I don't he may never bring it up again ... and it seems like something he needs and wants to get out just doesn't know how or doesn't feel safe doing so. I dunno.
Originally Posted By: Grace_O
You're idea about shooting pool is a good one. It's not as "intimate" as walking on a beach, yet there is room for convos to happen. Just let him start any convo that has anything to do with him. Keep any banter light and fun. I use this type of thing all the time with my D's. Really helpful.
Yeah, a game of pool is definitely a safer bet in that sense. We're both really drawn to the beach and have lots of happy memories there. We both love the ocean and I thought he might see it as a safe and familiar place. Maybe not yet.
And speaking of *intimate* ... wouldn't I love to go there again!!! I'm like a friggin' cat in heat!
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I spoke to my sister on the phone for an hour last night. She is like a verbal, real version of you guys. She rocks. The following 'rant' is a result of our hour long, tear filled conversation and all the thinking I did afterwards.
I feel like two people.
The first is patient and in control. She knows the only way through this hell is to just keep going. She gets that detachment is necessary. She 'understands' that H is in MLC and this could be a long road, with far bigger bumps and turns than have yet been experienced. She understands that his crisis, is his crisis and she can't hurry along his journey or help him find his way home. She knows that she can provide a safe place to come home to and love him with compassion while he makes this journey. She knows that she needs to take care of herself - physically, mentally and spiritually. She knows that she is worthy and whole without her H ... she doesn't NEED him, but wants him.
The second is terrified. She is obsessing about things/events/people that are outside her control and torturing herself with thoughts and scenarios that may or may not be true and/or happening. She feels like a fool for defending H against allegations of infidelity and is scared to make the same mistake again. She hasn't even gone to her IC since she found out about the EA because one of the people she defended H to was her IC and she's embarassed to have been so naive. She isn't able to concentrate at work, barely getting the minimum done to keep up. She hasn't exercised in a week and she's sleeping 5 hours a night max. She feels scared, sick, hurt, sad and angry. She wants to talk to the OW to tell her story, as if it would make a difference. She wants to reason with her husband.
I do not want to be that second woman. As I went back and read what I wrote I realized something ... my first paragraph is full of words like KNOW/UNDERSTAND and the second is full of OBSESSING/FEELS/WANTS. I guess that pretty much says it all eh?
My only job right now is to figure out how to reconcile internally that the 'first woman' is a choice. Honestly, it really doesn't feel that way ... I'm an emotional person, and I'm learning not to react based on my emotions - but I can't turn them off. So how do I not let them drive me crazy while I 'act as if'? How do I drive the crazy monster out of my head? I want her gone. I feel like I've been trying to 'fake it till I make it' and perhaps that is the only way, I just haven't given it enough time, and I haven't taken proper care of myself in the meantime.
So ... what am I going to do about it, you ask? I heard you askin' ...
1. I am going to find a new counsellor. Today. At first I didn't like the thought of having to start from scratch and tell my story all over again but now I think that could be really beneficial. My old IC would not be suppportive of my choice to Stand. She is not DB friendly.
2. I am going to make sure I am in bed from 11pm - 6am - every night (well, ok ... maybe not Friday night - but all the rest). I am going to read something that is NOT a relationship book for 15 minutes before I go to sleep.
3. I am getting up at 6am everday (well, ok ... not Saturday!) and I am going to spend 30 minutes exercising in one way or another. Walking outside on days I'm not home with the kids, videos, stretching, yoga, pushups and crunches ... whatever.
4. I am going to spend at least one hour on Saturday mornings in the great outdoors ... I am going to hike in the woods or walk on the beach or weed a flower bed or cut some grass ....
5. I am going to take a drop-in exercise class once a week - preferably on Mondays (they're my really tough day) - and get out some of the anxiety and anger that dwells within.
6. I am going to become consistent with my efforts in relation to my part-time business and stop making excuses for not putting in the effort. I am going to push myself to get uncomfortable and become better.
7. I am going to stop talking about my sitch to everyone except a very few friends who are on side with my DB approach. I will no longer get sucked into any talks which require me to defend myself for Standing for my marriage.
8. I will begin to trust myself to do what is right. I will act on things I KNOW not things I THINK or FEEL. I will stop assuming the worst and writing scripts in my head.
9. I will start concentrating on work again. I need to spend a lot less time on these boards during the day and get some control over my desk and my responsibilities.
10. I am going to live. I am going to laugh. And I am going to love.
Hmmmm. That should do for now.
A final note:
My biggest hurdle right now is this:
In order for H to not focus on us and the broken relationship he needs to feel trusted.
I am not prepared or ready to live with the consequences of pushing H when it comes to trust. Any attempt to interfere, regardless of the status with OW (ie. romantic vs. honestly just friends) will be seen as controlling (because it is) and would very likely negatively impact future probabilities of reconciliation with H. At the very least it gives him something negative to focus on and shows him that I really haven’t changed (even though I’ve made major changes and his behaviour has created the trust issue!).
Therefore, I have to trust him (or as the MC put it, give him the appearance of trust). Not because he's earned it or even deserves it right now. Because he needs it. I need to let it go. This is where I need the counsellors help.
Long winded as usual ... Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Got a plate full huh? It's alot and you have to be patient with yourself too.
I get the feeling like "two people". I will also tell you it isn't easy to operate out of your head all the time if you're a "touchy feely". I know b/c I'm one. It does get easier though.
Sounds like you got a good master plan. It's always ok to make changes along the way as long as they support your goal (as opposed to providing excuses).
I hope you have some nice things going on for the weekend.
well said! your descriptions are how i feel to a T! it's good to hear someone else is in the same boat b/c i really thought i was going insane.
Quote:
I feel like I've been trying to 'fake it till I make it'
i hear ya...this has been sooo hard but you gotta do what you gotta do.
love your list of concrete goals...it does help to have something concrete to refer to. i honestly do better for days after i make my "lists." keep us posted on how your goals pan out.
especially this one cause i haven't figured it out yet...
Quote:
8. I will begin to trust myself to do what is right. I will act on things I KNOW not things I THINK or FEEL. I will stop assuming the worst and writing scripts in my head.
i could win oscars for the screenplays i come up with in my head!
Ohhhh and I can relate to the "two people"...but once you get them to "merge" you will feel balanced...and really that is where we want to be...somewhere along the way we became unbalanced and need this now...not that we needed the MLC carnival ride but we need to get our balance back!
Just remember, even though we, because we seem to have sooo much in common, have/had these personality flaws...does not mean that we caused this, this, this...whatever you want to call it...but we were party to it and are now owning our part and working on ourselves...
I am still working on me...I find I start becoming unbalanced and I have to do a recheck...sometimes it is helped by taking a time-out...getting a massage, getting a pedicure/manicure, facial...something that makes me feel good and allows me to calm my innerself down so that I can refocus on my goals...
Take care...enjoy the weekend...I am off to the fair with my SPAM contest entry!!!!
