Newbie.Trying with faith and hope to save marriage

[papayachic]

Well he called me last night. He actually remembered I had a doc's appt and left me a message to call him back. He wanted to see how it went and if I was well.

I called him an hour later. I asked him how he was. He said tired just watching tv. I told him if he wants I can just call him tomorrow. He said no its ok.

So I spoke about doc's appt. He then again told me he did not receive credit card. I then again told him he needs to call 800 number to issue new one. He did receive my "drop the rope letter" but made no further comment on it.

He then asked if I considered what he said a few days ago. I told him I consulted attorney and NYS doesnt reognize separation until separation agreement is filed. He went ballistic. That we're wasting time. That he's known people who've done it quicker. I kept cool and said you should file as soon as you can. I kept saying if it's what you went, then do it.

I asked him a question about the tv we have. Then I told him I was selling couches, selling bedroom set and starting over. Getting money for it and wont buy new stuff till I move.

He got angry about my move. Told me it is stupid. Told me I need to stay near family. Told me I make all the choices on my own like I did during marriage. I don't care how this is going to affect him. I told him I understood but my choices during marriage was to protect him bc I was scared he was going to die. But my move now is my choice as he wants divorce.

He blew up on how "I keep scarring him".I keept "hurting him and I always will". Bomb 1 bc I said when he told me he wanted divorce first day i told him i would file. I strung him along for weeks being cheery on phone and hanging up quickly. Bomb two with text that I was pregnant while his parents got phone call. How I disrupted his good life up there. How he had something special at the farm but bc of his family questioning his every move he can't even live there . He's at summer house for a bit then he has to find somewhere else to go. He has no money. He has no car. He has no job. And all I keep telling him is that he'll find a way. To have a beautiful day. I have so much money. I am being manipulitive. He says I have not changed at all. I am the same W. I am a beyotch and he never thought I would do this while we are getting divorced. THat I have money and I should file. THat it's over. Why am I holding on. Why am I saying I believe in marriage that it's marking him take all responsibility for divorce and making him look like bad guy. I have him by the balls. Now he has to use saved money to file instead of buying cheap car. That I mentioned I wanted to someday be friends but he can't even see that bc of everything I've done these last few weeks.

That I keep saying I understand, I'm sorry, I'm sorry you feel that way. That I;m not blowing up, I'm not giving real answers. I am being brainwashed by whatever therapist I'm seeing.

That he never has a choice. I dictate his life. THat how can I not see that now he has no choice and will never be involved in baby's life because he can't stomach talking to me for the rest of his life. That I made that choice for him.

I told him if he was involved it would be great bc he would be a good dad but if not I will tell baby of his good qualities. I would be a good mother. I told him I had to go and hung up.

I cried.

Then he called and I told him i needed to call him back. I cried for 20 minutes and called him back. He told me he was sorry for lashing out but he's just frustrated. I told him I understand that he's frustrated and I forgive him and I hope he has a good night. As I told him this I started crying a little so I hung up the phone quickly.

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I know when we were married I was cold. I know it was my reaction to the betrayal of him doing drugs. I was WAS. But what he's saying to me, all of it just hurts so much. All of you go through months of this, I don't know how much more I can handle.