Completely Blindsided

[TimeHeals]

It makes you feel like you're tied to someone though, there are moments when I'm sick of it all.

YOU make YOU feel tied to somebody. Divorce just means it's perfectly legal to date other people.

[fullmoon]

I think the big reason I feel tied is also to do with the name change on all documents.

Theoretically what you're saying is right, but it doesn't mean we feel the way we are supposed to. I'm sure there are many who hate to be in limbo.

[TimeHeals]

I am just pointing out that the bother of divorce isn't what keeps you feeling attached.

Just look at this board: how many people do you see here that are divorced and still dealing with things, and how many spouses have you read about that just walked away or got involved in affairs with out any regard for the other?

You feel attached because you feel attached. We can attribute emotional milestones to particular events-- seperation,dissolution agreement, filing dates, final dates--but the reality is you feel what you feel whenever you feel it no matter what unpleasant tasks you either rush into or put off.

You deal with things and accept things and feel things when you will, not because of some arbitrary task unless you give that task some kind of importance on your own.

[blind]

I understand the sides to this...

Filing yourself is kind of like 'taking back power'... but you're right Time, the only thing it's going to achieve is a sooner divorce... but it won't change the situation. Your spouse has still left you, whether you're tied by a paper trail or not.

I've gone through considering it recently, but two things hold me back:

1 - the cost of filing... I'd rather take the money required and spend it on my GAL efforts. Why waste $1,000 on filing when I could put that towards the cost of my car? Or more dance lessons? Or a personal trainer? Or some Ink? Or... what else can you spend that money on? I'll bet most of them make you feel better than filing.

2 - Closes the door - Honestly, if she was here today, I don't know what I'd do. If she came running back to me begging to work on the R... well, yeah, that's what I want... but until I'm in that situation I don't know how I'd react. And although I'm pretty sure it's all over and I may never see her again, and she'll probably never change her opinion of me... why close the door? While it's open there's a chance she'll open her eyes. There's a chance that things may change. Once the D is done, it's done. I plan on not being anywhere to be found once it's done.

When you weigh up the options, is it worth it?

[TimeHeals]

Why waste $1,000 on filing when I could put that towards the cost of my car?

I wound up spending that much, and I didn't file for the D

On the bright side, that's all this D is costing me, and when I think about it from a strictly monetary point of view (putting on my accountant hat), I could have paid for a really nice Lexus with all the money I've spent trying to keep the STBXW happy (so I can testify to money doesn't buy you love).

2 - Closes the door -

The door closes when you close it. You don't even have to be divorced to close the door. People do that all of the time, and many who post on this board will testify to that fact.

Others get divorced, and yet they don't close the door for years and years (that seems sad to me).

[blind]

I wound up spending that much, and I didn't file for the D

Yeah, I realise it's going to cost me money anyways, but that's the initial filing fee in the UK.... and while I'm in the process of saving for my GAL goals, spending the money on that feels like a waste.

On the bright side, that's all this D is costing me, and when I think about it from a strictly monetary point of view (putting on my accountant hat), I could have paid for a really nice Lexus with all the money I've spent trying to keep the STBXW happy (so I can testify to money doesn't buy you love).

Yeah, at least by not having a chance to discuss the problems with her I've not wasted any money trying to keep her happy...

Though there were the costs of her visa over here, listing the house on the market, selling almost everything I own to pay off debts.... yeah... that's probably adding up to a fair bit already

The door closes when you close it. You don't even have to be divorced to close the door. People do that all of the time, and many who post on this board will testify to that fact.

Others get divorced, and yet they don't close the door for years and years (that seems sad to me).

Yeah, that is VERY sad... I already know I need to get on with my life. What I mean is though, before the D you're leaving open the chance of reconciling, no matter how unlikely. I know that there are a LOT of obstacles to us getting back together - the distance, preconceptions of others, money costs etc... but once you get divorced there's something much bigger... and once that goes through I KNOW I will never see her again, as opposed to now when I just think it.

[fullmoon]

What I mean is though, before the D you're leaving open the chance of reconciling, no matter how unlikely.

Yeah that's the thing... it's not so black and white, the door closes slowly for some. There is a definite line there with the D especially when we haven't been DBing for that long yet.


Btw blind, if you do choose to file I think you'd have to do it at the Aus court. The fee is $432.
http://www.familylawcourts.gov.au/wps/wcm/connect/FLC/Home/Separation+and+Divorce/Divorce/
To file in UK from overseas, you have to be an UK expat... either a resident in UK or UK citizen. (there might be an exemption if you own a home)
Even if you do get to file from o/seas, the respondent has to reply within two weeks to an UK address if I remember correctly --- this time frame is pretty difficult with snail mail across the globe! So it seems like a lot of expats hire attorneys to do it on their behalf.

Let me know if I've got the info wrong... very complicating when it's over different countries.


For me I have to report my M to all sorts of places, only to report D on the spot if it gets filed soon. Agh.

[blind]

Hey Moon, thanks for the link.

Well, based on that there's still 12 months before I have to start thinking about any of that stuff (12?... no wait, more like 10 now), so I've got time to save some pennys and let the situation play out.

I'll have to reassess next year if nothing has changed

Feeling a little bit down and out of it today. Not sure what I'm going to do for a pickmeup....

It's a bank holiday weekend over here, so again, I'm short on things to do. I need to meet more people - it's happening, but sweet lord does it take some time

[fullmoon]

Yeah I too have been feeling very down the last few days.
Been detaching so well and thought I was almost ready to drop the rope, then all of a sudden comes this.

Just a question blind, if she tells you angrily that she doesn't want to change at all and keeps seeing everything as your fault, telling everyone a very biased story, would you take her back?

Not that my H wants to come back, but even if things turn for the better, there is still the major issues we had while we were M, some of which were 'just the way he was'.

[blind]

Yeah, I tried getting out of the house and doing stuff, but my mind is too preoccupied. Thankfully I'm out with mates tonight, chatting and having fun.... I'm still here and together though, and tear free for 9 days and counting!

Small victories.

Dropping the rope is damn difficult... and as much as I try to do it, I need to acknowledge that I don't necessarily want to

Would I take her back at all? I'm not sure. If she was talking to me with anger I wouldn't be able to do anything by reply with anger... and the lies... wow. I'm rally all about truth. I hate that she's basically asked me not to tell people the truth, and that she feels it's "None of their business"... because I feel like it's trapped me out from speaking to my friends about it.... but at the end of the day I need to respect her wishes. I don't want to say things that will damage the friendship she has with the people around her.... But if she was saying bad things about me I would be very hard pushed not to set the record state.

But yeah, even then, there would be a lot to deal with.... she thought a lot of my problems are just 'the way I am', which really isn't the case. A person is only who they are willing to be.

It's just a hard thing to let go of, isn't it? This love, this life. I'v lost a truckload of family members, a number of mates, and had a whole heap of memories tarred and set alight all through this one thing, that shouldn't have ever happened without us talking.