You'd get conflicting information here because we've all been through different things and we're all different people. Experts would give the same advice (more or less). Experienced people (and not so experienced) are all suggesting based on that experience, not based on research, etc.
It comes down to what do you want? Do you want to "not be the doormat" or do you "want to be a better person if he decides to return"? I personally think that latter acknowledges your own responsibility in the failure of your marriage (or saving it). The 'going dark' idea, to me, is self protection. It makes mystery IF the other is watching, but if they aren't, they only see "bitchy" or "cold". It may turn them around either way because they aren't getting the support. I just think he hasn't been gone that long to be turning down chances for you to shine.
Yes, that is a 180 for me. I am used to appeasing him but at the same time he would always say I was "mean" probably because I was angry during our relationship because he treated me like a doormat.
So, I want to be able to convey both effectively which is the challenge.
Maybe I could do a combo of emails - anyone is welcome to offer additional email suggestions. I want to feel confident when sending and would like more input from the vets.
I'm just really confused. This is how he always gets me. He is acting so nice but then going behind my back and doing really disrepectful things. I don't want to be angry and I dont want my email to come across as cold or angry but also dont want to be a doormat.
It's really hard because I want to be the nice, confident, outgoing , beautiful woman he fell in love with but at the same time I don't want to be his personal doormat. I feel like he takes advantage of me.
I am not expert by any means but I think your 2nd response is better only because you seem like the stronger person, you are not coming across as angry as well you are not letting him walk all over you. The only thing I would change is maybe the gift idea, are you comfortable buying a gift with him? If so then keep this email the same, if not you can still word that nicely as well.
It is funny how the WH still contact us to plan their lives, my WH does it all the time with the kids and I cannot figure out why he does not just do it on his own. However it may just be that your WH and mine just want some form of contact and they are also checking to see how you will react.
So stay strong, positive and pretend like nothing is wrong.
m-34 w-33 d-15 s-10 m-11 years t-16 years bomb - Feb 24/10
You have every right to be angry, but don't let it rule your emotions. You probably should try and detach emotionally from him (loving him from a distance). Hope this makes sense.
The email should be kept short and simple, IMHO:
"The wedding is on xxx at xxx. I will be getting them a gift on my own, but don't mind adding your name to the card. I will not be staying overnight, and have cancelled the room reservation."
Hope this helps some.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
