LSG you are right! I am awful at the "what ifs" - I'm a big planner and so I get less stressed out if I kind of go over scenarios in my head beforehand. I'm SO nervous! I guess I'm kind of nervous that his reaction won't be what I hoped it will be and it probably won't. I plan to get there before him (or try) and then he would have to choose at the ceremony whether or not to sit next to me - I obviously hope he sits next to me but will be sad if he does not.
You are right about the ring. My plan was to always wear until divorce is final. He won't say anything about them... not his kind of personality.
I am going to do my absolute best to have a BLAST at the wedding. I am going to keep concentrating on my FRIENDS and THEIR day! I am going to make myself get up there and shake it even if I don't feel like it!
Another thought .... be prepared for him to deny anything you have told his parents. They may believe his lies and think you have malicious intent. Make sure you have proof, so that he can't squirm out of his problems.
As I said above a few days ago, I was concerned about his parents reaction. They seemed to take it seriously, but I was worried that they wouldn't believe you (parents don't like to see the bad in their children especially if they don't see it). Sex addiction rarely affects parents, usually only the wife and children, so it is difficult for them to see anything. Take them the proof (keep copies for yourself) and tell them that if they ever see what you see then it's up to them to take action. All you can do now, is weather the separation and possible D, get on with your life, and hope that you are overreacting (but I doubt it).
As for the wedding ring .... depends how much it means to you. Wear it if you feel it is part of your wedding vows. I don't wear mine because I think my M is a farce and a lie. Strangely, my H wears his. Perhaps he thinks if he wears it, I'll believe him. Who knows! I wouldn't worry too much though ... it's the least of your concerns right now, and I think you may be placing too much emotion into a piece of jewelry.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I'm honestly not sure that they don't believe me (I think I might just be reading into it). You can tell they are very concerned. His mom just said they would like to see the emails, etc so they can speak with the counselor about how to better deal with the situation. Basically, I don't think they want to just do something rash, like and intervention, if that is not the best course of action to take for the situation and I think they want to try and better understand his patterns of behavior.
They are coming over with dinner on Friday and we are going to go through everything. I would like it better that way to I can explain some of the timelines of the emails - he seems to have a pattern of doing it around certain times (holidays, birthday, anniversary, etc).
She asked if I would go to a counseling session with them, I said I would think about it. Honestly, I dont think thats really going to do anything. I feel like I'm already getting too involved.
I will probably continue to wear the rings I think until I feel like taking them off. I just can't do it yet. I'm trying to let myself guide me. For instance, I could file for divorce now because I have enough evidence to prove adultery and would not have to wait through seperation but I dont feel ready. I can't let go yet. I just feel like I will know when I need to do certain things and I'm not at that place yet.
I feel like I still need more time to process. It has only beeen 2+ weeks since he left so I'm still processing. I just need more time.
I have a question that I'm hoping someone can answer in terms of filing for divorce. Even though in my state you have to be seperated for one year in order to obtain a divorce can you still file at anytime?
So for instance, even though my WH have only been seperated for two weeks, could he technically file for D now which just means that when a year came the actual divorce would happen much quicker becuase it would be farther up in "line"?
Rings- I wore mine for a few months until I felt "truly separated."
filing for D- have you dug around the website for your state/county? I would think that the court would need to know the dates of separation. Do you need to file papers proving you were separated? Or do they just ask you on the divorce paperwork? like "separated since _-_-_"
and some places have a motion to waive the waiting period.
in my county, I can download all the divorce paperwork and look at it. Can you? You might be able to find the answer to your question!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thanks newmama! I could also probably just call my lawyer.
I know in my state you don't have to "legally file" - I think it is probably just an agreed upon date.
It's just so freaking confusing. WH still has his stuff here (besides his clothes which I packed up and told him to come and get). He still hasn't switched his phone to his own account (which he made sound like was something he needed done right away). Haven't gotten any calls from lawyers or mediators. Just kind of floating around right now.
Everyday is like a rollercoaster - some days are better than others. Today is a pretty good day and I can see the positive side of the seperation... I think it needed to happen at least for me to be able to see the way things were going from a different perspective but it has also reinforced to me how much my WH means to me. Ten years together is a hard thing to let go of. I have known WH since I was 13, started dating when we were 18, married when we were 25. All of my adult memories involve him. I do have a life besides him but every event, holiday, etc is with him.
AHHHHHH! So I just got this email from WH about wedding that we are going to on Saturday. I don't really know how to respond without completely sounding like a bitch so I need help!
"So we should probably talk about Saturday. I think it would be best not to bring anything up to anyone so as to not put a damper on person and person's day. But I need to get the info from you like when and where. Were you still planning on staying down there? Also have you gotten them a gift yet? Is it going to be from both of us? I think it should be but if that's not what you want then I need their registry info. So just email me back and let me know. I hope you're doing ok. Talk to you soon."
Here is possible response:
"H,
I don't think their wedding is an appropriate time to discuss this matter with anyone.
I have cancelled the room reservation and will not be staying there.
I will be purchasing a gift on my own, I'm not sure why we would purchase a gift together as you have decided to leave our marriage.
See you Saturday at the wedding."
You guys, I am so confused. Who am I? His mom? Why don't you email the groom and ask for their wedding website? Why would we buy a gift together? It's like he's still stuck in "couple" mode like I'm still going to do stuff for him.
I'm having a really hard time because he is obviously trying to reach out and be friendly and amicable. I agree with him that I don't think we should really discuss our seperation at the wedding because its not appropriate and would make it very awkward for the bride and groom and it is THEIR day and I don't want to cause any disruption to that.
I dont want my email to come across too "mean". He is kind of extending an "olive branch" and I at least don't want to completely act like a super B.
I know I'm suppoesd to be "going dark" but I feel bad. I mean, I guess we could get a gift together but what is the point. Is this email confusing to anyone else? Does it send mixed signals. I'm giong crazy over here. HELP ME!
2 weeks ago, you were hoping to repair your marriage. While he's said some nasty stuff, you genuinely seem very angry. I can totally get why you would be.
You also seem very much to have made the divorce decision yourself.
If he wants to do things together, isn't this the chance you have to show off how you're improving as a person despite all this stuff? To show him that repairing could make the two of you happier than him running off? To show him what a healthy relationship looks like and feels like instead of his addiction?
Take the olive branches as they come. Cuttiing him off is like telling him to go and get into another relationship asap and to never think twice. It is giving him one more excuse to use if he has an addiction.
I agree, that it would not be appropriate to bring up this situation at the wedding.
Unfortunately, because of the dog I am not staying in ciy of wedding and I cancelled the room reservation so I did not receive a fee.
The wedding is at xx time at xx location.
I had planned to get a gift on my own but if you would like to buy a gift together, that is fine. Their registry information can be found on their website at www.website.com. Please let me know what you pick!
See you at the wedding tomororw - it should be fun!"
