And here I am .... H's MLC ....

[PEI]

I spoke to my sister on the phone for an hour last night. She is like a verbal, real version of you guys. She rocks. The following 'rant' is a result of our hour long, tear filled conversation and all the thinking I did afterwards.

I feel like two people.

The first is patient and in control. She knows the only way through this hell is to just keep going. She gets that detachment is necessary. She 'understands' that H is in MLC and this could be a long road, with far bigger bumps and turns than have yet been experienced. She understands that his crisis, is his crisis and she can't hurry along his journey or help him find his way home. She knows that she can provide a safe place to come home to and love him with compassion while he makes this journey. She knows that she needs to take care of herself - physically, mentally and spiritually. She knows that she is worthy and whole without her H ... she doesn't NEED him, but wants him.

The second is terrified. She is obsessing about things/events/people that are outside her control and torturing herself with thoughts and scenarios that may or may not be true and/or happening. She feels like a fool for defending H against allegations of infidelity and is scared to make the same mistake again. She hasn't even gone to her IC since she found out about the EA because one of the people she defended H to was her IC and she's embarassed to have been so naive. She isn't able to concentrate at work, barely getting the minimum done to keep up. She hasn't exercised in a week and she's sleeping 5 hours a night max. She feels scared, sick, hurt, sad and angry. She wants to talk to the OW to tell her story, as if it would make a difference. She wants to reason with her husband.

I do not want to be that second woman. As I went back and read what I wrote I realized something ... my first paragraph is full of words like KNOW/UNDERSTAND and the second is full of OBSESSING/FEELS/WANTS. I guess that pretty much says it all eh?

My only job right now is to figure out how to reconcile internally that the 'first woman' is a choice. Honestly, it really doesn't feel that way ... I'm an emotional person, and I'm learning not to react based on my emotions - but I can't turn them off. So how do I not let them drive me crazy while I 'act as if'? How do I drive the crazy monster out of my head? I want her gone. I feel like I've been trying to 'fake it till I make it' and perhaps that is the only way, I just haven't given it enough time, and I haven't taken proper care of myself in the meantime.

So ... what am I going to do about it, you ask? I heard you askin' ...

1. I am going to find a new counsellor. Today. At first I didn't like the thought of having to start from scratch and tell my story all over again but now I think that could be really beneficial. My old IC would not be suppportive of my choice to Stand. She is not DB friendly.

2. I am going to make sure I am in bed from 11pm - 6am - every night (well, ok ... maybe not Friday night - but all the rest). I am going to read something that is NOT a relationship book for 15 minutes before I go to sleep.

3. I am getting up at 6am everday (well, ok ... not Saturday!) and I am going to spend 30 minutes exercising in one way or another. Walking outside on days I'm not home with the kids, videos, stretching, yoga, pushups and crunches ... whatever.

4. I am going to spend at least one hour on Saturday mornings in the great outdoors ... I am going to hike in the woods or walk on the beach or weed a flower bed or cut some grass ....

5. I am going to take a drop-in exercise class once a week - preferably on Mondays (they're my really tough day) - and get out some of the anxiety and anger that dwells within.

6. I am going to become consistent with my efforts in relation to my part-time business and stop making excuses for not putting in the effort. I am going to push myself to get uncomfortable and become better.

7. I am going to stop talking about my sitch to everyone except a very few friends who are on side with my DB approach. I will no longer get sucked into any talks which require me to defend myself for Standing for my marriage.

8. I will begin to trust myself to do what is right. I will act on things I KNOW not things I THINK or FEEL. I will stop assuming the worst and writing scripts in my head.

9. I will start concentrating on work again. I need to spend a lot less time on these boards during the day and get some control over my desk and my responsibilities.

10. I am going to live. I am going to laugh. And I am going to love.

Hmmmm. That should do for now.

A final note:

My biggest hurdle right now is this:

In order for H to not focus on us and the broken relationship he needs to feel trusted.

I am not prepared or ready to live with the consequences of pushing H when it comes to trust. Any attempt to interfere, regardless of the status with OW (ie. romantic vs. honestly just friends) will be seen as controlling (because it is) and would very likely negatively impact future probabilities of reconciliation with H. At the very least it gives him something negative to focus on and shows him that I really haven’t changed (even though I’ve made major changes and his behaviour has created the trust issue!).

Therefore, I have to trust him (or as the MC put it, give him the appearance of trust). Not because he's earned it or even deserves it right now. Because he needs it. I need to let it go. This is where I need the counsellors help.

Long winded as usual ...
Peace
PEI