According to friends who work with them, nothing yet.
There is a very gray area that concerns me but I am doing my best to monitor the situation and according to my friends so are they, we'll see.
I often see w space out and I assume she is thinking about om. I feel. W is extremely vulnerable toward om that if he did talk to her she would relapse HARD
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
Body language is a good indicator IMO. I think your best course of action is to keep calling her out when she mumbles, makes noises and talks through the dog. Do so in a polite but firm way. Eventually she will get the message and stop or you will grow tired of her games and decide you don't need this kind of crap in your life anymore.
I would not initiate any work or planning for the party. Let her initiate then you join in. She is very used to getting catered and coddled when she wants something so this is a GRAND opportunity for you to do a 180 and let her put in some effort first then you join in. If she wants to prepare for this party as a team she must behave like a team player and not simply a delegator.
How you handle the party preparation is a huge opportunity. And how you handle the actual party is also huge. Just because her family is present it doesn't mean she won't be called on snotty comments, noises, mumbles and so on. You must be *very* consistent in this or it will never change.
Long day. Got out of work at 6am but had dentist app. at 8am. W called off work again just for the sake of calling off work. I had returned home from dentist app. W was up in bed. I went and laid in bed and attempted to sleep. I had asked W if there was anything on her list of things to do for the party she wanted to get down today. W shook her head no then said "I wanted to clean up the mulch in the front" I replied "We can do that, I will get a little rest then we can head outside" W then said "I can do it" so I replied "I know you can but if we do it together it will get done quicker and be much easier.
A few hours later I woke up then W and I headed outside. We cleaned up the mulch around the front yard (a lot of work). There were times when W said it was a lot of work and felt like stopping but I encouraged her by saying "I know it is a lot of work but WE can do this." W then made a comment about hiring someone to do it and I said "I understand why you would say that but we'll get it done, just one step at a time and when we're done it will feel good because we did it ourselves."
At one point W took a break to spray the dog with the hose, I joined then we got back into it and finally finishing up. In the past we W and I did tasks together I would always find something wrong with the way she was doing something and complain. This time like I have been for the past 4 months I was very patient and encouraging.
After W seemed worn out and just no longer interested in yard work but agreed to take a ride to the hardware store in attempts to locate a few things. We went and found nothing then headed back home.
W does not seem all that excited about the party so I would say "I'm excited for this party, we're going to have a great time" and her expressions and mannerisms do not match her words. See looks down and out or mopey in a sense but tells me she is excited.
W and I sat down and went over the invite list. W asked who else should we invite. I said to W "Whoever you want, invite <friend name from work>" and W said "No, I will just invite family" in a very depressed tone and I replied "are you sure? It is for your birthday" and with a little attitude W said "I said just family is fine"
I left it at that...
I don't know what it is but she does not seem all to happy about the party even though it was her idea but I am doing my very best to be supportive and interested complete 180 from the past, I did not even help plan our own wedding.
I seen that W had pulled a few of our wedding decorations from the basement and brought them upstairs unsure why...
At one point just before I left for work I had touched W on the leg and she moved her legs andhad a dirty look on face, I asked if that bothered her she replied yes. I guess I am pushing it, I need to slow down.
While I was getting ready for work, W asked if I could go down stairs and check on the dog. I did it even though W was very capable. As I was walking back upstairs W said "Thank You" in a loud pleasant tone, so I let it slide.
Just before I left, I said "bye" to W and she replied with the same.
While gone I seen that W did a thorough search on cosmetic surgery. This bothers me because I love W for what she looks like now, I don't want her to change anything. Also I think female co-worker is feeding my W to the point W wants to be like her.
I know in the past W had said after we had children she would consider different types of surgery but now it seems like she wants more work then ever mention done and soon. I want to have children and it now seems like that thought has moved from her head. I don't expect for my W to say anything to me about the thought of children I know that is far too premature for our sitch but to hop on my insurance to get "work done" ASAP is not something I am OK with.
Also I have been doing a better job of establishing better communication between us. At times when she uses sounds I simply say "I could not understand you" or "what did you say" W would then repeat and use actually words. hopefully she starts to get the point and break the habit.
Last edited by OfficerInNeed; 06/12/1004:46 AM.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
W said "No, I will just invite family" in a very depressed tone and I replied "are you sure? It is for your birthday"
Umm... you need to work on your listening skills here, I think.
She told you she felt like only inviting family, and then you ask her if she's sure as if she might not know how she feels. That's not very validating. Stop doing that so much.
Stand up for yourself, but learn to listen better.
Now... on the yardwork you did the same thing. Instead of saying "Yeah, it would probably be easier to hire somebody" (I hear you) and continuing to work, you started sounding like a parent trying to teach a child.
She needs a good kick in the butt, but if you are the one doing it nicely all of the time, that's not a healthy dynamic.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 06/12/1004:52 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
If W wanted to give up on something that we were working on together I should encourage that? And say "your right we cannot do this together its best we hire someone" and inject negativity? We can't do yard work together because w wants to give up (just like our M) and I tell her it is worth doing on our own and keep at it (just like DB to save our marriage), is this the example I want to set?
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
