I'm headed up there tomorrow AM. Sunday is our 12th anniversary. 10 days ago she agreed to dinner. Don't know what she'll agree to now. I'm going to keep it simple. Casual dinner and a card. Nothing more.
I still want a detailed report on what she said after you texted. Her words.
"I'm headed up there tomorrow AM."
Be safe.
"10 days ago she agreed to dinner."
This is what it needs to be.
"Don't know what she'll agree to now."
Listen.. if she says.. I don't want to go.. just be ok with it. Just say that you understand.. and be on your way. If you wanna sugar coat it tell her "I understand.. honey" and give her a little hug. Then get in your car and leave. Vent here..
"Casual dinner and a card."
Drop the card. While you are driving.. I want you to think of something creative.. heartfelt. You know her.. anyone can get a card.. and write something sappy in it. You cannot spend more than the cost of a card and envelope on this. So.. 2-3 bucks.
If.. she declines dinner.. Do the above stuff about saying you understand. And give her the gift anyway.
Again.. come and vent here.
Be creative! Don't chase. Show her what she is walking away from. Let her make the choice to come back.
Imagine it is the "hot girl" from high school you got a date with. You got the date cause you put her in an awkward position and she had to say yes. She intended to shoot you down at the door.
Make her rethink her position with your actions. Show her she is making a bad choice.
You don't need her.
You want her to make a choice.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
She called today to tell me that she has had her lawyer here (not in New England)draft legal separation paperwork. She was crying and said she loves me and doesn't want to hurt me she just feels like she needs to protect herself financially. She wants me to buy her out of the house and she's asking for a reasonable child support. She said, "this doesn't mean this has to end in divorce."
Again, just saying what she needs to say to keep me docile.
Ironically, we have an offer on the house as of today.
She also informs me that she will be out of town with her parents and our son this weekend and next. I won't see them or him this weekend nor over Father's Day weekend. I spent over a thousand dollars to ensure he was with his Mom over Mother's Day. Now, I won't see him over Father's Day.
She also tells me she's not opposed to me staying at their place on my weekends visiting.
So...I'm going to approach this weekend as best I can. I'll go up there to do what I intended to do that does not include them and then I'll come home. I'll have my attorney draft a "post nuptial" agreement as a response rather than a separation agreement. Or..I just won't respond at all. I want to delay this.
Does this really change anything? I mean....I knew she wanted to end the marriage. All this does is formalize how we move ahead with regard to money, the house, custody. These are all issues we were discussing anyway.
Why not respond with a post nup rather than separation ? That will settle the same issues but it is not "step one" of a divorce.
I'm reeling from relief that I now know what she expects for money but I'm also hurting because she has taken this next step. My goal is to stay calm. What has me very distraught though is my lack of contact with my son. He has got to be confused. It'll be nearly a month before I see him again.
Wondering if the handwriting is on the wall and I just need to sever this and move on. The other part of me says drag it out to the bitter end. Keep DBing until the last document is signed.
I called today to say "happy anniversary". She was very cold and made a comment ... "that sounded nicely rehearsed". Told her I didn't call to get into an argument on our anniversary. Wished her a nice day and hung up.
She called back about 30 minutes later to apologize for being "harsh". She said, "it hasn't exactly been a strong year for us. I don't know what you're celebrating.' I told her it has been the worst year of my life but I was celebrating the 12 years leading up to this and I was celebrating hope for better years to come.
Again, wished her a good day and said good bye.
Small nugget of nice-ness.
Also...as a reminder to me: I changed her caller ID to "Show Her Your Love" so when she calls I get an immediate visual reminder to NOT let my emotions get in the way of communicating with her and to remind me to create an environment where she would WANT to call and WANT to spend time with me.
I read some of the success stories on this site and got a new dose of hope. I was feeling terrible over the weekend and I know next weekend will be even worse. I won't see my son until the 4th of July weekend and it's tearing me up inside.
I have 2 choices:
Sign the separation paperwork and be done with it or negotiate a post nuptial that will give her what she wants but also hold her accountable for the things she says she's "willing to consider". Since we are forced to live apart due to the jobs situation, I am adamant that we spend time together on my visiting weekends and I am adamant that we will not survive this without continued counseling. She had indicated that she is "willing to consider" me staying with them on my weekends. I'm going to hold her to that in writing. So ffar it feels like she has just told me what I wanted to hear to get me to agree to things and then once I've agreed or once she gets what she wants, the game gets changed. I've got to break that cycle and the only way I know to do it is in some form of an agreement.
I hate the lawyering aspect of all of this. We are husband and wife. I've already agreed to what she's asked. All she wants is the paperwork done so she can move that much closer to a divorce.
