She has an upcoming birthday and family gathering.
I am very interested in seeing her parents again because I love them. And her and I would need to drive there separately anyway because of other reasons.
Is it ok to go there and just interact very nicely with her family, and show them I am a thoughtful, caring person? Play darts with her dad and cousins ect?
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Absolutely QS... the idea here is you want to set an example of adulthood.. wanting to go to family therapy, being honest and forthright rather than texting people from the shadows.. all of the adult stuff you would RESPECT someone doing under your situation...
What would you want YOUR DAUGHTER's HUSBAND doing when their marriage was troubled?
1. Talk to you face to face 2. Be factual, forthright, and honest 3. Keep in regular touch 4. WOrk on the marriage with a professional family therapist 5. Make the home an inviting place for his daughter to be
All of that is what YOu would want for YOUR daughter right?
We aren't telling you to be MEAN to this woman.. she's your wife, but we ARE telling to RESIST her baiting tactics.. that's what most of this stuff is...
She's so miserable she's picking fights to get an emotional response from you... you have to steel yourself from that and just be a respectable person...
Don't engage her lies.. she's just going to lie to you.. nothing productive is giong to come from engaging her until she starts to calmn down and consider rebuilding her marriage... she's acting otu right now and while she's doing that she's not a wife she's an unruly teenage daughter... you just focus elsewhere until she starts to act halfway reasonable.
The risk of the gatherings is that
1. She may bait you at the gathering 2. She may press you to avoid it - GO... cowards avoid it.. be a man and walk in there... you have NOTHING to be embarassed about.. HER on the otherhand...
3. She may try to run more reverse exposure... trying to expose YOU as a neglectful husband etc... 4. Show yourself, be an adult, be honest, don't say ONE NASTY WORD about your wife... She's not well right now .. that's it.. if you are exposing you expose, but don't trash your wife to anyone... let HER talk like that... YOU will look the better person and get the support...
Most adults won't support someone trashing their spouse behind their back.
She actually doesn't bait me. She is quite rational and polite. She doesn't raise her voice ect. She is just basically cordial. She only really acts out if I even slightly confront her about the other guys.
She seems to get uppity when She thinks I am mad, irritated, or upset. She seems to think I am all those towards her. She tells her friends "He is crazy". When in reality, I am detached and she perceives it as I am mad at her and am going to confront her again about her cheating or something else.
But, this morning she has made 6 different statements to me either for information, or seemingly trying to start a mini-conversation.
Quote:
She may try to run more reverse exposure...
She is already doing this with one of her co-workers. She told this co-worker about EVERYTHING, and is leaning on her for support. This woman is telling my wife it is OK, everything's going to be fine. He's not right... ect.
Her family is my absolute best bet against this. I burned the video to a DVD, and am going to give it to her parents this weekend.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
My advice QS is to watch the video WITH them... don't just hand it to them.
Don't worry about the co-workers... After exposure happens there is always a rush to find people on "your side" to to speak... If the best she can do is a co-worker and her family and mutual friends with you all refuse to accept her behaviour then she's going to be under a LOT of pressure...
Don't just give them the video, watch it with them... even if you've seen it, watch it with them... They want to see YOU are watching it too... And you will have a chance to talk with them immediatley AFTER watching it while the impact is on them at its heaviest.
I hope you can understand all the complex psychology at work in your wife's mind right now...
After 9 years together she's radically changed the dynamic on both of you... it's a huge upset to her too
Infidelity messes with your head bigtime, it puts a lot of strain on it and messes the brain chemistry up something fierce. She likley doen'st even understand what's going on with her.
She's going to be moody, and agressive, and flippant, and self-righteous, not to mention tense...
She may mask those things but her head is severely messed up right now and will be for several weeks.
The way to move it along to a healthy state is to pressure her with reality of marriage, divorce, betrayal by friends and family that are close to her...
This day has turned into such a nightmare. It's like it somehow isn't real.
I talked to her on the phone and she was so matter of fact, and actually a little excited about it. How did any of you all get through it and still have hope?
I don't think I have fully accepted that losing her is a possibility. How do you honestly come to terms with that? This by far has been the worst day of them all.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Sorry QS. I have to say that since she seems intent on running so far so fast, I'm not sure what I would do in your situation.
You don't list any children, so you don't have the same type of anchor I do. In my sitch the only thing that's kept me hanging on so strong is that I fully believe that when two people bring a child into this world together, they should do all in their power to keep the family home sacred and raise the child together in the best environment possible.
I actually have told my H (in a mistaken belief that it would "wake him up") that I would have walked away long ago if it weren't for my belief in family sanctity because, even though I love him and am fully willing to own up to my own mistakes and work through our issues, he has continued to lie and manipulate me and act as if he doesn't have any responsibility to do anything about it. I'm holding on for the sake of my daughter at this moment. If there comes a time when I think holding on is hurting her worse than letting go, I'd probably do it after much consideration.
Don't know if this helps you or not, but I think you have to decide for yourself if holding on is worth the pain more than letting go. And if you let go, hope that by doing so you get to a point where you can accept you may not ever see her change her attitudes and actions and you can move on.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
I firmly believe that the counseling we got last year only helped in the SHORT-TERM. Then things went downhill very badly.
I have exposed and am in the process of detachment, so I know there should be no relationship talk.
HOWEVER,
I notice alot on here that Alan will post quotes or reference getting the WAS into GOOD COUNSELING (Family Therapy), i.e. the kind MWD would approve of.
Am I allowed to suggest counseling? Maybe not explicitly say that it is for the Marriage, but that we need to get to an EXCELLENT counselor to resolve issues and help us communicate through this difficult time.
Maybe if we can get on the same page about needing to heal and seek therapy, a GOOD counselor can improve the situation.
So if we do go to good counseling together, I would assume that we would be allowed to talk about the relationship IN THERE? Correct?
Here is what I might say:
(QS has a very calm attitude, and matter of fact persona)
"I think we should see a different counselor. Our last one did nothing for us. We both are in bad places right now, so I think we should see an EXCELLENT professional in a safe environment and work through this together. Irregardless of whether the Marriage works, we need to see someone and work on THE ISSUES WE ARE HAVING RIGHT NOW. We both hurt each other extremely deeply, and maybe during this 90 day waiting period, we can get the help we both need"
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
"We both are in bad places right now, so I think we should see an EXCELLENT professional in a safe environment and work through this together. Irregardless of whether the Marriage works, we need to see someone and work on THE ISSUES WE ARE HAVING RIGHT NOW. We both hurt each other extremely deeply, and maybe ... we can get the help we both need"
I said this almost word for word to H once. It just made him angry. He currently has not expressed any interest in talking through issues for any reason. If your W currently isn't willing, it would probably just anger her as well. She was willing to go to counseling once before, however, where my H wasn't, but I think you have to look at her attitudes right now.
What do others think?
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
