Wow QS, you have a lot of homework to do.. you really aren't reading any of these posts.. you aren't HEARING what people including MWD herself is SAYING.
Let me say this ONE MORE TIME
1. Addicts lie 2. Addicts make excuses for their bad behaviour 3. Addicts are NOT in control of themselves 4. Addicts want one thing - more more, and again more 5. Addicts are master manipulators - of spouses, children, even their parents 5. Addicts don't care about long term 6. Addicts don't care about logic 7. Addicts are not reliable 8. Addicts lie 9. Addicts talk ONLY for three things : a. to pursue their addiction b. to pursue their addiction c. to pursue their addiction 10. Addicts lie 11. Addicts create walls to isolate themselves from anyone that may interfere with pusuit of their addiction a. Emotional walls - I'm done, I'm divorcing you, I don't love you b. Walls of Lies, stories, excuses c. Walls of wood and brick - they shut doors, stay away from home, dissappear for hours on end 12. Addicts lie 13 Addicts use people 14. Addicts don't care if they hurt people 15. Addicts are ill 16. Addicts aren't loyal or dependable 17. Did I mention that addicts lie?
...
18. Addicts recover
Originally Posted By: Quicksilver264
She repeatedly insists that the Marriage was 200% over in the beginning of May. There was absolutely no going back for her. "I don't love you like a Husband, and I haven't for a while now". She said she reached her "breaking point" right then.
pp 139 of Divorce Remedy 1. Do NOT be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than eevr in your whole life and are desperate and needy. 2. Do NOT focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 3. Do NOT believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because s/he is hurting and scared. 4. Do NOT give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 5. Do NOT backslide from your hard-earned changes.
Do you see number THREE? Let me post it here again for you :
3. Do NOT believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because s/he is hurting and scared.
Now, READ that...
3. Do NOT believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because s/he is hurting and scared.
read it again...
3. Do NOT believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because s/he is hurting and scared.
and yes read it ONE MORE TIME
3. Do NOT believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because s/he is hurting and scared.
Got it? Good.. NOW... what do you think the answer to the below statement of yours is... ?
Originally Posted By: Quicksilver264
She repeatedly insists that the Marriage was 200% over in the beginning of May. There was absolutely no going back for her. "I don't love you like a Husband, and I haven't for a while now". She said she reached her "breaking point" right then.
You got it :
3. Do NOT believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because s/he is hurting and scared.
Now.. I hate to be so literal and throw two by fours at you here QS, but you aren't HEARING what people are telling you and you aren't reading this book... READ the text above... write it DOWN on an INDEX CARD and tape it to your underwear if you have to... get that INTO your HEAD or you are TOAST.. you hear me?
Originally Posted By: Quicksilver264
She felt unappreciated and not very sexy and began talking with a married guy about marital problems. One thing led to another, bam emotional/sex chat affair and nude pics. She didn't feel bad because she ALREADY knew she was going to divorce me.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnndddddd... AGAIN
3. Do NOT believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because s/he is hurting and scared.
Originally Posted By: Quicksilver264
Then she reconnects with this FB guy, who also has been through a Divorce, and he starts giving her attention. One thing leads to another, and nude pics and sex chats, with later on planned video chats.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnndddddd... AGAIN
3. Do NOT believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because s/he is hurting and scared.
Originally Posted By: Quicksilver264
She says she lied "only to save me extra pain" because she already knew she was hurting me by being 200% committed to divorce. She gave me false hope about a "chance" and continued these sex chats.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnndddddd... AGAIN
3. Do NOT believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because s/he is hurting and scared.
And that "save YOU pain is bullshit.. if she was thinking about YOUR pain she would have called a family therapist and cleaned up this mess instead of her sleazy escapist nonsense..
3. Do NOT believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because s/he is hurting and scared.
Originally Posted By: Quicksilver264
Is is possible any of this is true, or is she just re-writing marital history and justifying what she knows to be wrong?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnndddddd... AGAIN
3. Do NOT believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because s/he is hurting and scared.
Originally Posted By: Quicksilver264
MWD writes in DR that some spouses are truly too far gone to do ANYTHING about, and that you really can't apply anything to them. But she also says you can't tell the difference.
She also writes this :
4. Do NOT give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
quoted above and requoted here because you likely missed it cause you are so upset... I think you are a very intelligent man QS, but you need to get CONTROL of yourself and FOCUS on what you are being told... OVER and OVER and OVER AGAIN...
Originally Posted By: Quicksilver264
I have read repeatedly, the ILYBAMILWY is the direct result of a EA/PA, and causes the WAW to rewrite history to make justifications.
OK, you caught part of it... good going.. now scroll back up and read this whole thing again until its stuck in your brain .. you NEED to GET THIS... we aer NOT going to keep repeating it... OK?
Suit of Armor my man... suit of emotional armor...
Make the HOME nice, but YOU do NOT open up to her, give her nothing.
I've been at that all day now. And she asked me:
"Why are you so cranky?" I then told her I am not cranky, I am quite fine. No eye contact, just matter of fact like I am reporting a blood pressure.
She then said "Well every time you get like this you think I did something wrong".
Wild ride man, wild ride. One day down, and alot more to go...
And thank you for that post. I NEEDED that. I am hurt, and I am scared. This is only my second week in the "I AM TOTALLY DONE WITH YOU" phase. In one of my professions, I deal with terrified people alot. I guess now I need a little strength from others myself.
THANK YOU ALLEN!!
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 06/11/1012:43 AM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Dude, don't tell her you are fine... You both know she's cheating on you... Don't tell her you are fine with it.. which is what she will think...
It's ok... just don't do that again...
Just ignore her... let her PURSUE you... let her take temperatures and freak out...
Don't tell her you're fine.. let her keep asking what's wrong.. I did the same to my wife too.. guess what?
It drove her crazy... you WANT them worried about you and wondering what's gonig on... why dismiss all their worry and let them off the hook... let her SQUIRM
Go watch teh video man, I can't impress upon you enough how much good stuff is in there.. that will do a lot of your support work with yoru family FOR YOU
You aern't gonna talk sense to this woman, her parents and family are.. and her freinds.. YOU educate them with that video and let THEM get HER gonig to family therapy...
You just keep working on the house to make it someplace she wants to be...
Hold onto those emotions man.. give her zero.. make her FIGHT for them and WORK for them a few weeks... it gets her chasing you again... which is what we want.. it awakens those emotions she's been suppressing for a while now...
If you have to say something and she's pestering you :
"I would like to work on my home please"
Or if she asks a stupid obvious qustion like "What's bothering you?"
Just look at her, not angry, just look at her... let her READ in your eyes taht she's been a selfish bitch for weeks and you aren't gonna tolerate it anymore...
She will likley walk away in shame... or continue to play dumb.. I've personally seen both responses.. both are ok results
Come up with some slick simple responses that you keep repeating... but i think its best to just ignore her pursuit so she chases you.. the last thing you want is to give her the info she wants so she can feel GOOD about her behaviour... she feels GUILTY which is why she's taking temperature... let her SQUIRM for a while
You will have to decide what to talk to her about, but my advice is to NOT share or engage any conversation you DON"T want to be part of...
If she asks about living arrnagements after divorce etc ignore it... ignore her... she's not after that, she's after an emotional response from you.. make her work for it
If she says something like "why are you treating me like this?" just look at her for about 20 seconds like you are just dumbfounded at how obtuse she's being.
This is subtext QS, she KNOWS why you're upset, she wants to SEE IT so SHE FEELS better.. this is passive aggression at its best.. The best way to beat that is to NOT give her what she wants... the satisfaction of knowing she's pushing your buttons.
If you want to say something :
I don't want a divorce. I made a commitment to my marriage for better or worse and this is the worse... I am going to family therapy, I am being an adult and a husband...
Ball's in your court my dear...
I don't quite like that, but something along those lines.. it challenges her to find maturity in herself and respect for you.
Keep doing it.. it DOES build respect on a very deep level over time...
Think about a man who chases a woman who keeps refusing him... He keeps going anyways because he KNOWS she's into him... but she can't show it...
This is a very subtle game... you keep being a husband and an adult in the face of all this.. she will respect the hell out of you despite how angry she SHOWS you she is, she's goign to tell you its over and laugh at you.. just keep being an adult...
That means do what you should be doing as a husband and partner and setting a good adult example for her to follow
Or if she asks a stupid obvious qustion like "What's bothering you?"
Just look at her, not angry, just look at her... let her READ in your eyes taht she's been a selfish bitch for weeks and you aren't gonna tolerate it anymore...
She will likley walk away in shame... or continue to play dumb.. I've personally seen both responses.. both are ok results
My favorite at points like that is to just stare at her, incredulously, and shake your head and slowly say ...
