2 weeks left to DB

[newmama]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...;gonew=1#UNREAD

When you get a chance, help this mom! 21 weeks pregnant when her H left- she has done NC so far!

[gatsby11]

P, I still have hope for your sitch. I'm sure that's NOT what you want to hear, but I think it's possible!

I'm sorry about all of this. Peaceful separation is the goal for now.

With time, he will regret what he has done..

Stay strong! Glad your mom is there.

And thanks for the tip, NM.

[Babydoll]

Piano, I agree with G. Peaceful separation is key! and just think he is helping you have NC with him!

I do think he will deeply regret everything... someday soon!

[newmama]

I still think you should let yourself mourn the loss of the marriage...it will help you to detach and move forward. Because if you reconcile, it will be a new marriage anyway! And I can tell you that today I feel 1000x better than I have since this whole thing started because I have truly accepted that my marriage MAY end. (still have hope!)
Yeah, let's see how your WH loves living over there and how OW will get sick of his whining about missing his baby and how hard it is to find a job... She is young and pretty, right? Why take on a man with so much baggage and no job? Who is capable of leaving his PREGNANT wife?? arghhh!

[Piano]

That's the tricky thing - mourning and separating and looking after a new born all the in the one go!

I really dislike who my WH is right now. He seems to have no morals. Or he was so unhappy with me that he is prepared to walk and leave all of this behind.

Since he met the baby, he's become more insistent on being part of her life - of 'claiming' her, despite the fact he is going to leave me to parent her alone while he canoodles in Europe with OW.

It's all such a mindf*%$.

He is pushing the barrow of separating from me even more so than before.

I feel like a FOOL for giving him all these second chances and for wishful thinking. I'm not sure it's all due to OW alone.. I think so many factors involved.

I think he will feel bad when he is gone, but only if I am handling the separation with grace (which I am not) cos otherwise he'll just be thinking how great it is to have left crazy ex-wide and how nice, younger (only by 5 years) other woman is.

HOW do I separate in a civil and friendly way when I feel I am being abused???

[Babydoll]

HOW do I separate in a civil and friendly way when I feel I am being abused???

you do it by putting yourself first... and acting as if...
make sure you set your boundaries, realistic ones, especially now with baby in the picture and your H being the father who now wants to take part in her life... but always, put yourself first and foremost. Detach for your own sake... be strong enough to let go... and you will no longer feel abused... detaching is just that. if you need a quick reminder of detaching and the benefits go to:

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

And like Newmama said, mourn the loss of this marriage... she is so right! OW is going to get sick of his A$$ and hopefully he will wake up, come out of his fog, land his space ship on earth... whatever the story may be and he will work his way back to you. and if he does, you will be starting a new relationship/marriage anyways...

Give up DBing in the sense that right now life is all about YOU! and you take this time to get stronger and enjoy the baby and let him go on his journey and make his mistakes and so on and let him grow up. you wouldnt want him back this way right? So look at it as he needs to work on himself... Detach for now.

You are strong Piano... you will get through this and come out a better person for it all...

and your babygirl will adore you and think the world of you and your amazing strength.

[Babydoll]

hahaha! i finally learned how to quote!! Yippee!!!!

[newmama]

Good job quoting, Babydoll!

Piano- you added a signature! Sorry I didn't realize OW is only 5 years younger! I was thinking in her 20s for some reason.

Yes, taking this all in while taking care of a newborn is way too much. I am going to guess that as you live in your apartment with your H's stuff gone, the first week is going to be the roughest. Then something happens- you realize you have been doing this without him for awhile now and it is less scary/sad.

I agree with BD- no DBing while taking care of your newborn. Also, you can even take your time with the separation stuff- for goodness sakes, you have so much going on with your baby girl as it is! Unless YOU want to hurry it up, can't it wait a couple of months or 3?

Now, the part about your H being glad to be rid of his "crazy ex" ummm you have every right to be so angry with him and he knows it! You aren't crazy, just realistic! Seriously no one would bat an eyelash if they heard you were yelling at him and ripping him a new one (lol I hate that expression!). Very reasonable if you ask me!

And my SIL was never calm cool and collected when her H divorced her, not during the divorce either. Only when she started dating! And despite her caustic behavior, her H still wanted her back. I think of that from time to time!

[Piano]

Hey guys, thanks.
NM, I'd like to hear more about your SIL's caustic behaviour. What sort of stuff did she say and do? How long was he gone for and was OW involved?

Today my step-father met up with WH to have words. Sort of went over old territory so not much worth reporting here.

But H did say he has 'borrowed' money and heading back to Europe for 3 job interviews and to see OW at the end of this month. Then he is coming back for when his mother arrives (why, i don't know since he has told her he wont be taking care of her), and then going back to Europe again a few months later. I am very suss about all this money. we're talking 2 x 2000 dollars on airfares here! Let alone shipping all his crap which will be several thousand more. and i've only received a one off 500 dollar payment from him!!

I also found out he has seen a lawyer and knows the 70-30 division of assets rule when there is a baby involved. He won't be giving me the apartment in full. He told step-father, "I won't be left destitute".( What's he frickin talking about? He won't have to pay rent with OW cos her parents own the flat she lives in.)

I still haven't named the baby.. have another 40 days.. hate WH so much at the moment don't want her to have his name but am very worried about making a life-long decision based on hatred! what do i do? I am so confused !!


I am just feeling so drained..received another email from WH saying how loves OW, and how much he loves the baby. How we have "years!" to resolve our issues and 'differences'. He also told WH he will "fight" for access to see his baby (WHAT A TURNAROUND FROM A FEW MONTHS AGO WHEN HE SAID HE WOULD FIGHT ME ON NOTHING.
HOW THEY CHANGE ONCE THE BABY ARRIVES and they biond!!!)
I was happy for him to bond if he was going to stay here and co-parent with me. How can I be happy if he has bonded and yet he is going to live o/seas & not help me at all (except financially, he says) and want to just DROP IN and see her once a year, and want me to take photos of her and send them to him, etc?????

His signs of with this:
"I will miss my beautiful daughter very much, and I am already wearing the pain of being apart from her ...
But I also know that me being an incomplete and regret-ridden man will not make me a good father to her".

So, off with the guilt he says, and to the life i want!!

I hate him, people, I hate him.

I am really feeling stuffed tonight... I feel so TRAPPED.

[newmama]

NM, I'd like to hear more about your SIL's caustic behaviour. What sort of stuff did she say and do? How long was he gone for and was OW involved?

Well, SIL was every bit of angry that you are and ranted and screamed and said ugly things (that were true!). She would tell him how he was destroying their sons' lives, and threw in religion, sold the stuff he left behind in the garage...but she didn't lose her cool in public (at the sons' games. She didn't stalk the OW but the OW kept calling her and trying to reason with her!?!?

SIL and H were highschool sweethearts. They are both 32 with 11 year old and 9 year old.

H became a police officer in fall of 2005. (SIL swears he changed ever since he became a police officer!)

January 07-SIL's H said he was unhappy. They went to counseling.

Feb 07-said he wanted a divorce, moved out, she found out he was with OW

Mar 07-H filed for divorce; SIL fought for primary custody of boys; ended up with 50%. OW started emailing SIL to get her to accept her marriage was over and she shouldn't hate her H or her (the OW)

Mar-June 07- H lives in an apt with OW

June-Nov 07- H moves in with OW into a house OW bought

Nov 07-H dumps OW, moves back into an apartment, then starts dating others
Jan 08- divorce is final

March 08- SIL meets new boyfriend

Aug 08- H starts to show signs of wanting to come back; SIL insists on counseling
H refuses

Nov 08- April 09- H starts counseling and says he wants to come back, SIL goes on a few dates with him, breaks up with boyfriend

April 09- H freaks out, says he can't do this (still doing IC but not MC)

June 09- H wants to try again; moves into the house in spare bedroom

November 09- they get remarried