Possible EA - Need Advice

[MelodyJ]

Yes - I think I need to expose more. Here are more details on the workplace situation:

-OW BF works at this job - I think that their dating may have been kept secret.
-OW is my husband's superior (but still low on chain of command)
-I know of an incident (via my husband) over a year ago when a partner at his firm conducted himself innapropriately (i.e. blatant and public sexual harrassment of any and all females) on a firm trip to Cabo - he received a light slap on hand. But then again he is bringin in the clients for the firm and my husband is still a grunt.

Help: do I call HR? a partner? what do I say? what if they don't pick up - leave a message? keep trying? How do I make sure I don't come accross as a mentally unstable wife?

What does this do to the dynamic with his family? My own sister (who says leave the guy and would support an egging of his car or similar childish retribution) thinks calling his work is extreme. Won't most people react like "whoa"? Will I burn bridges?

Also, part of me doubts that she is really seeing BF. I have no proof since Novemember - OW BF is higher up than my husband at his job but of course won't appreciate being drug into an HR nightmare to explain his place in all this. Ugh!

Would love sample language used in teh past.

Thank you.

[MelodyJ]

Might I add that this situation is beyond humiliating at my work - some of the people I supervise were the ones who saw my husband. Luckily, the left it to a close friend of mine to break the news but hard to hold my head up anywhere right now.

[Allen A]

I think pupper has a nice script for the workplace exposure

[Allen A]

The expose the affair to the workplace is a huge action Mel.

You have to gauge your marriage and where its at NOW vs where this action may put it later on...

My impression now is that OW isn't letting up and your husband is leaning towards divorce...

You could check with a lawyer first to find out your options if your H is unemployed and he files... your call...

But if they are both out of work that's going to take the excitement and fizzle out of the affair for sure... Affairs dont' die out quickly, they take several well executed hits to the head before there's no life at all left in them

This would be one of those well executed hits to the head

Begging and reasoning don't make a dent, ACTIONS like this DO

You do'nt warn him either.. if he isn't cooperating with you and you have a verbal confirmation from antoehr cooworker who will back you up if HR wants that then I say do it

[MelodyJ]

Thanks for the thoughts.

Puppy, I'd love to see that script.

I haven't exposed yet. I'm still weighing the pros and cons - it didn't occur to me that if I have a job and cause him to lose his, I might end up paying him child support! Eeek!

H and I haven't really spoken except for child-related texts.

[Allen A]

Talk to an attourney first, but my vote is to expose.. that should throw a wrench in their little workplace fantasy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy, I'd love to see that script.

June 2, 2007



Mr. John Doe
Owner, John Doe's Gym
Anywhere, Florida

Mr. Doe,

I'm not sure if you are aware or not of some very inappropriate behavior going on between one of your
employees and my wife, also your employee.

It appears that my wife, Jane Doe, and John Public are having an inappropriate relationship, an affair, at the suburban location.

I am told that John had approached my wife in an inappropriate way before she was employed by you, and in fact, he has also made untoward advances on my daughters – both members – in the past on more than one occasion.

Since you are a business owner and as such, a contributing member of the community, I am sure that you are concerned about your company's appearance and reputation in the community.

Mr. Doe, I would ask that you either immediately transfer Mr. Public to another location, or terminate him, as you see
fit, so that this inappropriate behavior won't continue on your premises. If upon further investigation you find my wife to be culpable as well, I will leave that up to you. I do think that Mr. Public bears the greater burden here, as he is pursuing a married woman, with four children, both on your premises and on your clock, but I won't presume to tell you how to run your business.

Obviously, this is an intensely personal matter for my wife and I, and we are also discussing it at home and with our family. But since some of this contact has been happening on your premises, I thought I needed to bring it to your attention.

By the way, you may also want to consider adding a camera to that little room behind the front counter there, to your existing security system.

I am available to discuss this matter in person, or by phone during normal business hours, at 555-1212, or via e-mail if you wish. I was told that you’re in the field most days, and that e-mail was probably the best way to initially contact you.

Respectfully,

Puppy Dog Tails
555-1213

[MelodyJ]

Thank you Puppy. This is helpful!

I have decided that my first big decisions is that I am taking my daugther to visit my mom (8 hours from our home). I'm not moving out - just going on an extended visit. The great thing about being a teacher is that I now have a couple of mos. without accountability to a job. I told him this AM - he wasn't happy, but said ok.

[Allen A]

But said OK?

Don't seek his approval or permission for anything right now... You want him to feel like he's lost control...When he's cheating and you don't know he has full control... when you find it, he loses some... you want him NOW to feel like he has NO CONTROL and you could do ANYTHING at ANY MINUTE...

Just DO, don't ask, just DO

[newmama]

you want him NOW to feel like he has NO CONTROL and you could do ANYTHING at ANY MINUTE...

Yeah- like YOU are deciding and choosing to stay in the M, not him!! Arghh..wish I had this DB forum last year!!!

Actually, you can have a little fun with this- change things up, surprise him with last minute change of plans, random texts or phone calls, a totally different shirt than you normally wear, just want to keep him on his toes! And have the air like you will not bat an eyelash if he says he wants to divorce.

"Actually, you beat me to it. I was just going to let you know that I decided I can't trust you and deserve a husband who is willing to choose our family over some other woman. So yeah, I totally agree we need to divorce."