Irish, MLC is a gradual thing, it doesn't happen over night and the changes are so subtle, you don't really notice them until they drop the bomb on you. When you have some time alone and can think clearly, you may very well be able to think back and actually begin to see some of the changes happening back then.
Many of them will change both mentally, emotionally, and yes, phyiscally. MLC is like shedding the old self and more like the peeling of an onion, layer by layer. The venom will continue for quite some time. The less you provoke him, the less the venom will spew at you. He's a very angry man. He's angry at the world, himself and everything and everyone around him. But, in his eyes, you and the relationship are what is creating all of his problems. Trust me, you aren't, but that's what he's thinking.
If you have put boundaries in place, please stick to them. He's like a child testing the waters to see just how far he can push you before you'll give in. Just as a child will do, he will try every which way to get under your skin. Look at his behavior that way and you will be able to tackle any situation he throws your way. He's a child in a man's body who is seriously trying to grow up.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Another question - Does the type of infidelity I have experienced match the typical MLCr - or is it typically one OW? It almost seems as if my H has attachment issues or superiority complex in choosing the "no strings attached" encounters. IDK
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Some will stick with one throughout the crisis, others will experiment and date many, some will have one for a while, then dump the original one and either live with the new one or marry that person.
It all depends upon the individual.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My WH is career military,and can become a drill sergeant from hell when he wants, but except for these instances of MLC, he didn't unleash this on me unless he was drunk. Physically, he has lost between 50-60 pounds and looks like 'hammered [censored]' to quote our daughter. His legs are sticks, and he looks like a bum. I had my lawyer issue a no contact except through the lawyer action on him. His texts are attempts to keep tabs on you. I believe 'going dark' is the term called for here. Unless it pertains to the kids, finances, emergency, let him text his fingers off. You don't have to respond.
Brooklyn, I have just spent some time reading your archived posts - to try and capture your story. I am in awe of the perspective you are able to bring to others today - having traveled the painful road that you have. I respect you so much and look back at your earlier posts and know that I have had the exact same thoughts and insecurities - it doesn't matter if you are a SAHM or a full-time working mother - marriage, family and relationships cross all boundaries - in many ways I think they define us. I've always felt that I was able to be successful in my career because I had this great thing at home! What does that mean today? Thank you so much for continuing to provide support - you are a blessing!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Sweetie, thank you so much for your kind words. It has been a long, difficult road for me. I had a lot of issues to deal with. Being at the place I am at today has required a lot of work, a lot of introspection, a lot of prayer and hope. I have also had wonderful people on here help me along the way. I will never forget it.
One of the things that is important to learn, and you will, is that the only thing that should define us is ourselves. We are responsible for our own happiness and self worth.
Try, if you can, not to look at the past and feel like what you thought you had wasnt real. Thoughts like that get you stuck.
This wonderful, tough, crazy journey, if you really and truly take it, helps us to realize that we are in control of our lives. We get to decide who we want to be. And it is in finding ourselves, through change and growth, that we can truly be happy and fulfilled.
You have some tough stuff coming up. You are dealing with some really hard things.
But I promise you, if you walk this walk, you will come out the other side whole and stronger than you ever thought possible. I know you can't imagine that. But, I am here to tell you that we are all special people. Willing to fight and stand and look inside.
Hang in there. Keep walking. We will be here to help you along the way.
I just can't get over the similarities in the comments that MLCrs make / how did I go so long not even knowing this level of disturba nce existed? I have lots of questions...
It is really amazing to me still the similarities, but they do exist and as time passes, and you read more, you will begin to recognize things for what they are as they happen.
Originally Posted By: Irishblessings
So today I set boundary / now he keeps texting me telling me where he is - where he's going. I don't respond. Why is he doing this?
My H and I am sure others, went through a phase like this.
It falls into the area of wanting us but not wanting us.
Now that you have stated your boundary, he is testing that. Trying to be nice to see if you are resolute.
This is probably something you will encounter more than once and you have to do your best to not let it make you crazy.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Rough day today. Last night after S's bb game we went to eat. H comes along - starts giving "tips" to S / S starts to get agitated - I say something to lighten the mood. We leave. FF to 6am this morning - he comes down says he won't go to wedding together with me. Says I "pissed" him off - was disrespectful to him by interrupting his talk with S. I had NO clue! He says it's the same old thing he is sick of. So he left for the wedding with no contact except an email that says he might come home tonight or he might stay with friends. Additionally - in looking at our balance sheet / he's created a new file for his own personal budget to save for rent, etc. And then he's got columns in which he will take say a $10 receipt from McD's and split the amounts to put in a column how much he spent on his own food and how much he spent on son! Does anyone else see this behavior as bizzare? I know I can't focus on him - and S and I spent the afternoon and evening together / but I don't know what I am dealing with! Help!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB sorry you find yourself here. I think you should be prepared to deal with anything and everything. We can't know for sure what we are dealing with. One day it's one thing the next another or it can change minute by minute.
The one sure thing is that you can only control yourself and how you react.
This is all so difficult to manuever. Focus on you and what you can control.
Enjoy your weekend!
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
