Heartbroken and needing help!

[irishblessings]

H and I actually "talked" a bit. I know I shouldn't have initiated it - but this morning I said "it's been 50 days since you shut down on a good, decent marriage / it wasn't perfect or great - but it was good. In the past we have always "rehashed" our issues - is there a way to forgive and agree to never bring up the past - and move forward. He didn't answer / but later on he said "I feel like I need to tell you that I'm not interested - I don't want my silence to mislead you." Again - he's sick of the whole package and I'm part of the package.
He also said that he doesn't love me the way a husband should love his wife. I asked him if he had cared or loved anyone in his life more than he did me. He said "No probably not" - "but I don't feel that way now." He feels so full of frustration that he might "blow" - this time saying that he could see himself going out "flirting" with someone or doing more.
He has changed "telling the children" dates 2 or 3 times. I asked him why he hadn't gone and he said he couldn't afford it right now. He said he feels like a failure in every aspect of his life and I am associated with all of those things. So - get rid of me / start to succeed???
MC called him to set up appt / he did not answer or reply. He says that I just try to manipulate him and get him to change his mind. It's probably true - but I have tried to ask him if anyone he would talk to about his feelings would encourage him to respond that way he is - and he said "no probably not" / but some might validate his feelings. I acknowledged that I absolutely recognize that this is not a "phase" - that this is pure misery and unhappiness - that's why "life changing" decisions were frightening.
He says that I am making the whole process difficult because I won't just agree to an amicable divorce/separation and that I am going to make life miserable for him the kids, etc. I told him that I knew I couldn't control what he did.
I just don't feel like I can sit our kids down and say that I agree that "unhappiness" or "philosophical differences" are reasons to divorce if one party is willing to do the work. Doesn't that fly in the face of being true to yourself? How do I go dark when son is at home? H has got me so mixed up - and I try so hard to be respectful - but then it causes me to doubt my own sanity - and then I feel like "stop listening to someone with impaired thinking" - but I end up feeling impaired!
Sorry for the crazy talk - I am so sad, hurt, humiliated, scared, angry, numb - I don't feel like I have any outlets!

[irishblessings]

Thanks Cat - you sound as if you have reached a peaceful point - I don't mean to pry but how long did it take you to reach this point?

Many of the issues regarding who I am besides mother, etc. - would be happening, I believe, whether my marriage was in place or not. I have to work through this!

[irishblessings]

Brooklyn,
When you say the things I am dealing with are really, really big things - is that because of the MLC or because of the significant betrayals? I guess I am asking that because I have had a hard time processing whether it matters if it is one OW or 40 prostitutes - is it all the same?
Do you know what I mean? I hope I don't sound stupid with that question - but I can't really determine the answer!

[cat04]

Thanks Cat - you sound as if you have reached a peaceful point - I don't mean to pry but how long did it take you to reach this point?

Irish,

First off, you are not prying. I don't post here to hide MY story. My H's, well I don't always share a lot of details about him, unless it will help.

I am at a place of peace and happiness.

How long it took me to get here is a whole lot more complicated.

It wasn't like I woke up one day and was suddenly better.

My H has had two periods of crisis, one beginning in 98 ending in 2000 and then an attempt at rerearing it's ugly head in 03, which was nothing more than a bomb drop and then nothing. I thought that the years in between were pretty good.

This time, my bomb was in June 07. Followed by one in June/July 08. It was after the 08 bomb, that I wanted to commit suicide, I knew then and there, that something had to change within me.

It was a struggle, a ton of soul searching, a restructuring of my entire life.

It was a slow process. I went backwards many times. Got sucked back into the drama many times.

Somedays, I really wanted to take a step for me, and I treated and still treat it like a personal challenge. Other days, I had to force myself to even get out of bed. I don't have those anymore.

Goals were difficult for me. GAL activities were very difficult for me. More difficult than I will describe on here.

180's--felt phony. And forget acting as if. I suck at that.
Still.

Yes I am probably the world's worst DBer, in that if I analyzed every single thing and then tried to implement because it was a 180, a GAL activity, etc...I couldn't do it.

I knew I was tired of feeling like crap every day. I knew that I had to do something.

I began forcing myself to keep the house clean again, to work and work well even if I didn't want to. To look into my own mirror and see what was inside. (This was probably THE most important thing). I took my S everywhere he wanted to go and did all that I could with him. Slowly, I began to feel better. Which then spurned more living. And more feeling better. I began meeting people and making friends. And it just sort of snowballed into a life. Of my very own.

It is still a work in progress, but everyday, I wake up, I thank God for the blessings and the wonderful people He has brought, and continues to bring, into my life.

I am grateful to these boards, those that came before and shared their stories and wisdom, to those that still call bull on me when I need to hear it, those that extend their hands in friendship, and those that arrive, like you, and allow me to help in whatever way possible and remind me where I was and of how far I have come.

I learned the concepts of forgivness, gratitude, and unconditional love and what they look like to me. I learned that forgivness is a gift I give to myself and that the only way to love, is to do it without expecting anything in return.

I still have my days when I am cranky or I just want to throw my hands in the air and say F' it. But those days are few and far between now. Now, most days, if something crosses my path that I need to deal with, I am not afraid to look in the mirror and see what is there.

So that is probably not the answer you were expecting to hear, but it is the only one I can give you.

There is no cookie cutter solution to this, no do A and you will feel B way to walk this path.

It is as individual a journey as each of our S's crisis are.

You sound like you are headed in the right direction though. For you. And one step just leads to another and another.

[cat04]

Almost forgot, Hi Brooklyn!

[irishblessings]

Cat - thank you for sharing your story - the resemblances are frightening!

Well somewhere around 5am this morning I woke up and determined this farce can not go on. So when H woke up around 6am I asked him if we could talk. I told him that next Wednesday the kids would be told and that while S and I are out of town during the last week of the month - he would need to plan his move. I spoke calmly and respectfully (I think) - told him if he felt the need to "flirt" or "hook up" with a woman at the wedding this week or anytime between now and the end of the month to feel free. The ties were cut. Told him that once the kids were told, he would need to tell his family because I was not going to lie any longer. Did caution him though that if word got back to me that this was a "joint" decision or that I kicked him out of the house then his true behaviors would be revealed. (Ok - maybe I wasn't so respectful) Told him he could tell the kids whatever he needed to that I was confident enough that our kids would know this is NOT what I wanted. He was, I think, so internally giddy that he almost couldn't contain himself (could explain the long shower:() OK - now I am getting nasty!
How do I feel? Scared, hurt, angry, hurt, numb, hurt, humiliated, hurt...the same as I did before - but I took the first step towards self respect (I think)!
I think I am the worst DBr - I have a terrible poker face and definitely wear my feelings on my sleeve. I am not a good liar - have never been - but I am a GREAT problem solver, care taker, fixer - guess I have to begin using those skills on me!
Thanks for listening!

[cat04]

I think I am the worst DBr - I have a terrible poker face and definitely wear my feelings on my sleeve. I am not a good liar - have never been - but I am a GREAT problem solver, care taker, fixer - guess I have to begin using those skills on me!
Thanks for listening!

I-

DB isn't about lying. It is about total honesty. Yes, there are parts that feel like lying sometimes (acting as if), but the truth is, if you are trying to implement a change, sometimes, it is the only way. By forcing yourself to do it until you believe and feel it. So don't worry about that.

Yea, I told you already, I suck at that.

Ok, so you have taken a step. Set a boundary that is for you that does not in any way force H to make a change in the life he thinks he wants to lead. VERY GOOD. It is a very scary step, but an important one I think. One that will give you both some space to work on things that need to be worked on.

Right now, at the beginning, for everyone, it is less about working on the marriage and more about getting to a point where you can work on the marriage if you both choose to. That is something I wish people could grasp much quicker.

I see you have a bit of a sense of humor (ie the long shower) and that will serve you well through all of this.

Do your best to enjoy your weekend, take some time to just breath, and let us know how it went.

Keep posting your questions and feelings. When you want to vent (and you will) come here.

I see that my friend, Brooklyn, stopped by, and I hope that she continues to post to you. She is an amazing woman who has more wisdom in her little finger than most of us have in our whole bodies.

Have a good day.

[punkin]

Hugs to you all. cat04, my husband also did a similar MLC 8 years ago, and went through a year+ of hell. He never left home more than 3-4 days, but when he was here, he drank until he was ugly and angry every night.

This time around, he's out of the house and has been x 3 months. As painful as that is, it is better than pretending to be asleep at night so he won't get drunk and go off on me. (Not that pretending to be asleep always worked)

Irishblessings, I read similarities to your story, too. Congrats on coming to a place to set a personal boundary with your mlc'r.

Being alone is better than wishing you were.

[Grace_O]

Irish,

Is he (alone) going to tell the kids? I would suggest you be there, just so you have clarity as to what is said. Up to the both of you and given the older kids ages, may not really be necessary with them. I would want to be though.

I would caution you about telling his "true behaviors" in the event it is said that the decision is joint. The most I would say, is something along the lines of "there are two sides to every story." I would really minimize what you share with family (esp) and friends regarding this.

The kids may or may not want to talk about it. Do not demonize him. As much as you can, just listen to how they feel about it. Even with grown kids, it's hard on them.

IMO it's best to stay away from R/M convos esp for now and DO NOT ask any questions you don't want to the answer to.

It feels like such a long slow process and it does take time. More time than you would like.

Like Cat, I know that I (and many here) have been at that place of depair. She's right that you just force yourself to do. Somedays that may just be getting out of bed. It does get better.

HUGS

[irishblessings]

Cat, P, and Grace -
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your perspectives! I just can't get over the similarities in the comments that MLCrs make / how did I go so long not even knowing this level of disturba
nce existed? I have lots of questions...
Has anyone's S seemed to change physically? Like expressions, darker, etc? The venom just seems to be pouring out of him. Now that I've set this boundary - I really want little to no interaction with him. I have kept the morning email up to my son and copied H on it / really as a passive way to limit communication with him at all.
So today I set boundary / now he keeps texting me telling me where he is - where he's going. I don't respond. Why is he doing this?