No longer "stuck808". Now my name is Bond. "MrBond

[MrBond]

What can you do to help her change her feelings?

There's the question of the day. Yesterday, we went out to an amusement park with the kids. I stayed upbeat and had alot of fun. She, on the other hand, almost seemed to struggle with having fun. I don't think she cracked a smile once when she was playing with the kids.

Time to jot down some ideas.

After I took her back to her sister's I called her and asked her why she wanted to do the Father's Day outing. She told me that it was for the girls and I responded that since I had the girls that day anyway I would be fine with going out with them alone.

I told her that I don't want her to feel "obligated" that she had to do this and that I certainly didn't want her to do something she didn't want to do or feel like she "had" to do.

I told her that especially after everything that had happened between the two of us, I had enough self-respect for myself that I didn't need to go with someone who didn't like me or want to be with me. Then I asked if she understood my point.

She said she did.

I thanked her for spending the day with us and wished her a good night. And she did the same.

[MrBond]

Had a little setback yesterday. I was awarded a government contract and also won a position on a prominent business Board of Directors all yesterday. Although those were great pieces of news, I felt a wave of sadness come over me because I felt I didn't have my W to share that happiness with me. And then it triggered the past events when my W's OM would be awarded for something and she would go out and get him something nice but she barely acknowledged my accomplishments.

SOOOO guess who decides to call when I'm going through all this in my head? Yep the W. So the first thing she does is ask for something. This was always something that bugged the hell out of me. Since this stuff started, all she does is call if she wants something. I don't always say yes and it still sticks in my craw.

So I ask her how her work was and she said 'okay' and started detailing it a little. Then she asked me how my day was. And that opened the frickin' floodgates. I pretty much told her what was bothering me and she just listened. At the end I said I had to go and ended the call.

Later last night, she called to see how the kids were and I wished her a good night. Blah.

Then this morning, my MIL comes in to watch the kids and I'm asking her how she's doing, etc. She doesn't even turn to look in my direction or acknowledges me. WTF? Now I know why my W is so messed up. If that's who she's modeling herself after I can see why she acts the way she does. So I was debating whether or not to say something, but decided not to. I mean this woman is going to forever be my kids' grandmother and she acts like I'm beneath her. No I take that back. She doesn't know how to react and so she shuts down from uncomfortable situations EXACTLY like my W.

Ok vent time is over. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

[MrBond]

So last night as I'm talking to my Ds, my oldest tells me that she told her grandmother (MIL) that she wished her mommy would come home. My MIL tells her that mommy is never coming home.

Needless to say I was pissed. After I talked to the kids, I talked to my W and told her what happened. I told her that our sitch was just between she and I and her mom shouldn't be saying things like that to discourage the kids. I told her that I didn't know if her mom had something against me and related to her what happened earlier in the day about her mom ignoring me.

I kept asking her how she felt about it and I kept getting the same response "I don't know". I asked her how she felt about our sitch and she said "I don't know."

I told her that she must feel something. I asked her if there was anything I've done that had gotten her upset. She said 'no'. I then told her that she has to start opening up to me about something, anything in order for us not to make the same mistakes and better our communication with each other. And that if there were times that I said or did something that got her upset, I need to know or else it's going to keep being repeated. She agreed.

I told her that I cared and always cared about her thoughts and opinions. And that she just needed to tell me what those were. I mean we get along great. She's just not "in love".

I guess I'm getting pissed at how enabling my ILs are. I'm tempted to call my MIL myself and set her straight. That I'm not going anywhere so she might as well get used to it.

[PMA_Baby!]

I haven't responded in awhile. Looks like a lot has changed.

Glad to see that things have gotten better. But is it good enough? I agree with everything you have said. I've followed your for a couple years now. I'm not sure what to say. It looks like she's trying but then again it doesnt. What does she want? Is she depressed? Does she feel like she is wasting her life away being married to you? If so YOU deserve better and she needs help. This is not healthy for the kids to see.

I can't remember. Did you guys ever go to Retro?

She needs to make a decision once and for all. The problem is "she thinks she knows but has no idea..." She thinks her life would have been so much better not being married and not dealing with this and that but those are all fantasies. She would eventually regret destroying the family. It sounds like she did a little of that already, but not enough to really appreciate you and her family.

Am I on track or completely offbase?

PMA

[MrBond]

hey PMA, long time no hear from!

For my W she doesn't know how she feels. Or if she does, she can't tell me what it is. She totally gets this from her mom.

I basically told her that I'm not going to know if something is wrong in our communications if she doesn't talk to me and say something.

Frustrating as hell to say the least. I think her actions show that she's trying something. But the biggest hurdle is to get her to open up again. I don't know if her experience with the OM made her shut down or what, but it just sounds like I talk to someone who is on autopilot.

[Coach]

She's just not "in love".

So what haven't you tried?

Maybe it's time to call the meeting to order.

[MrBond]

Oh BTW, we never did go to Retrouvaille. I don't think the time is right to ask her for something like that.

[PMA_Baby!]

I c. Does she ask or care about your feelings?

Did you ever ask her about Retro. What are your goals? Hers?

Is she happy or depressed?

Is she up for counseling? Solo, couple?

PMA

[MrBond]

I think she cares for my feelings, but she isn't the type to ask or express herself. She doesn't even do it with the kids. She's the type that would rather buy something to smooth things over.

My goal is to R and she knows this. I've asked her before what her goals were but she just kept saying "I don't know."

I think when we're not together she's a little happier, but as a whole she's depressed. When we're not together, she pretty much spends her time alone at her sister's place watching tv. She doesn't have any close friends, just her mom and her sister.

I've mentioned counseling to her both alone and together, and she just said "thanks" but no commitment.

This is what limbo really means. I've done both the going dark and the keeping in contact with her. The keeping in contact has gotten me the best response so far.

But how do you shake someone to "feel" something. Anything.

[PMA_Baby!]

Was she always this way? Does this effect the kids?