Well, I guess I want a more objective opinion about this subject.
One time I asked my brother, who is married to a very pretty, but overweight woman is her looks turned him off sometimes. This I asked for my own experience , since I am in a SSM. He told me that it didn't . That if he had a choice in the matter he would prefer for her to be slim, but not that big of a deal. Then again , he is my brother and for what I can tell, my family genes are in the HD corner (grandpa was 93 when he died and was still active with gradma).
And please, be honest. My husband have said both things, you know? that it is not a problem and is not my looks and in another oportunity he said my looks had an impact on his lack of desire. I am really confused now, since I am on the chunky side, but not overweight.
Hi, I don't have any answers, but I had a problem with an H who HAD to have a skinny wife or else. Before we married he had me promise that I would never get fat. I thought, fat chance, I was 32 and had ALWAYS been thin. So we married and I got pregnant and along about the fifth month (no one could yet tell I was preggers, I was that thin( he said he couldn't handle the weight...and was unemotionally involved thereout. After the birth of our baby I lost all the weight kinda too fast. He never commented positively on my fab bod, but anytime a little weight went on he withheld sex.
I know there are always other issues, underlying issues, but fact is that with some shallow men, weight makes more of a difference than it should. I mean even during menopause I was never more than a tall size 12. And he told my therapist that it wasn't a secret that he found OBESE women sexually repulsive. I think there are low sex drive men but I think those men are way different from men who withhold sex when their wives gain weight . Then, if the wife complains, he says it isn't the weight...it's that she is controlling or critical or whatever. It isn't really a chicken/egg story...I believe that withholding sex from a women causes emotional pain almost beyond the ability to endure. The rejection becomes, in many of us, self loathing...when it is NOT our problem. The problem is more that some men can't come to grips with their feelings....you really can NOT like fat while still loving your partner. And you can support your partner's attempts at losing weight. Withholding sex for any reason hurts the marriage. And the only way to get back on track is open communication. To that end, have you tried letting your H know how much it hurts when you feel you aren't attractive and desirable to him? Let him know how he can help you..maybe joining you at the gym or on walks, eating a low carb diet, not building celebratory evenings out of dinner out etc....Good luck! gd
Hi: your post caught my eye and I thought I might be able to offer a guys perspective ( one guys perspective ) When I first met my W, she was very shapely, worked out 3x a wk, and was HOT. After she had our first child, she gained a substantial amount of weight, and never realy lost it before she got pregnant again. Needles to say, her weight increased dramaticaly afterwards. I'm not attracted to fat women. I know it sounds shallow, but thats the truth of it. Obesety turns me off sexualy, though I try not to judge people who are. With that being said, I never had a sexual problem with my W though she had gained a lot of weight b/c I loved her. It wasn't about making love to her body as much as making love to her soul..Does that make sense?? I think that what you're hearing is the truth. Your S is letting you know his physical preferences in the hopes that you'll do something about it, but he doesn't want to come out and tell you directly b/c 1: He loves you and does not want to hurt your feelings, and 2: If he is that blunt, you may loose affection for him b/c he'll appear shallow and uncaring. It's a source of pride for a man, when his W is shapely and attractive. My W looks at it as an "ownership, or prize" mentality. Though it's not altogether accurate, she is pretty close. IMO i wouldn't expect him to be outwardly supportive of your attempts b/c he is a no win situation on this one..Believe me I know first hand. It's the " Honey do I look fat in this dress scenario" If he's honest ant tell's it true, he's the A-hole. If he lies to be nice, then he's a patronizing bast*rd and he still loses.... I don't know the details of your sitch and that's just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth. Hope this helps you...Take care
Good friends are like precious jewels; hard to find, but worth the price to hold onto to..
I know men that HAVE lost all interest in their wives because of their wives looks. It seems shallow, nut men are VERY visual. But from my own personel experience, I think woman are harder on themselves about their own looks. I NEVER complain about my wifes weight problems, and yet it is a MAJOR libido buster FOR HER. It's the whole body image problem for her. Look at any relationship experts advice, and I think you will find that virtually ALL of them say that staying in shape is EXTREMELY important. It easily has to be in the top 2-3 things that you can do for a marriage. Men should too! Shed that beer belly, get more sex!
Quote: believe that withholding sex from a women causes emotional pain almost beyond the ability to endure. The rejection becomes, in many of us, self loathing...when it is NOT our problem.
This applies to men as well when we marry LD women. It is ALWAYS what have I done wrong, what is wrong with me. What could I do differently. The rejection is just as unbearable for the men, and we get it 1000's of times in our married lives, but you NEVER get used to it.
Gotta chime in here folks. We all get older, things sag, bag, and age creeps up on either sex. Society has always insisted that standards of beauty are important. The thing is, those standards change frequently and we cannot all be super models or meet the "ideals" without harm to ourselves. Having plastic surgery to try to meet those ideals can be unhealthy and even deadly.
I am a large, vibrant, voluptuous, confident woman that takes good care of herself, dresses well and could care less that I am not as thin as a toothpick to meet the societal ideal of a beautiful woman. Do I wish that I were thinner? I am happy with myself which I think is more important. Would it matter if I were thinnner to my H? He did not have much interest in intimacy when I was thinner so I don't think that was ever the issue.
I have been watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and laughing so hard at these guys that are, well, to put it kindly, slobs. They want the ideal beautiful woman but are not model themselves. How shallow is that?
The jist of this is that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I am a beautiful woman inside and that is what should count. See me for who I am, not what I look like on the exterior. As long as I am well groomed, neat, clean and i have my confidence, that is what you should be focusing on. I have never been and will never be the "ideal" woman, but I am myself and that is much more important. I know that I am attractive to men other than my H, and that makes me feel good about myself, too.
I feel pity for people that feel that they must match the societal ideas of beauty and torture themselves into conforming to those unrealistic standards. Very few people can attain those standards, and fewer still have that natural beauty.
So, Viva La Rubens! He understood the importance of what a real woman should look like. There is a new movie out on HBO, "Real Women Have Curves" It was nice to see women with all of their outer flaws portrayed with their inner beauty. I enjoyed that film immensely.
Ok, now I know that at least I can do something that may help my marriage and my own sense of self pride. I used to be a very hot woman, and since before I met my husband and specially after we got married, I am heavier that I have ever been, not obese, but definitely chunky.
I don't think wanting a shapely wife is shallow, if the whole sex stops just because of it, THEN it is shallow.
I now is not very politically correct to say what you did say guys, and I really love you for that, because I needed to hear the reality of it, not what should be the "right answer" in this overly touchy society.
If it is okey to be OK with being chunky, I should be ok with NOT being okey about it too, right? that is the beauty of freedom. Well, If my weight is adding to the sex problem on my marriage (how silly I was to think I couldn't do anything about my sit), then, the weight will go!
I know, I am going to end up with a LD husband anyway, but at least I am going to be more confident when I approach him when the time is right!
I would NEVER complain about my wifes weight. That is not all that important. Sexy is all about your attitude, but looking sexy can cause you to feel sexy. Not that I would say you need to lose weight, but I know for both the men and women in a marriage, it does say I care enough to try and be the person you married. I guess it is important to stay in reasonable shape and try to stay healthy, but being perfect is also not required. Most importantly, what makes YOU feel good about yourself?
Just for information, the women on TV are way to THIN. THe average man PREFERS curves. Women think they have to be about 3 sizes to small. I saw a study where they gave men sillouttes and asked them to pick the perfect female form. They ended up choosing the Marilyn Monroe figure as most sexy, and guess what, SHE WAS A SIZE 10. None of these size 1 and even size 0 dresses.
I've got to agree with CeMar. Most men prefer curves. I know I do. It seems to me that we are all saying the same thing here. If you love your SO, then looks aren't at the top of the needs list, but it would be nice to have a SO in shape.
MsM; You should not "lose the weight" if you're comfortable with it. Remember, DB is not about the WAS,it's about yourself. If you want to change, go for it, if it will make you feel good. From my experience, if an R is in trouble, there never is just 1 problem that needs fixing. Sorry if this sounds cruel, but i would advise you too search a bit deeper before rushing down a single path. Take care of yourself first.. good luck..D-
Good friends are like precious jewels; hard to find, but worth the price to hold onto to..
Quote: I would NEVER complain about my wifes weight. That is not all that important. Sexy is all about your attitude, but looking sexy can cause you to feel sexy. Not that I would say you need to lose weight, but I know for both the men and women in a marriage, it does say I care enough to try and be the person you married. I guess it is important to stay in reasonable shape and try to stay healthy, but being perfect is also not required. Most importantly, what makes YOU feel good about yourself?
Just for information, the women on TV are way to THIN. THe average man PREFERS curves. Women think they have to be about 3 sizes to small. I saw a study where they gave men sillouttes and asked them to pick the perfect female form. They ended up choosing the Marilyn Monroe figure as most sexy, and guess what, SHE WAS A SIZE 10. None of these size 1 and even size 0 dresses.
I think she was actually a size 12 (the average womans size today) but don't hold me to that...I myself have always been a size 10 but then again I am 5'8 so much smaller than that and I'd look anorexic as I heard from so many people during my bomb diet (the unintentional weight you loose when your spouse wants out)
in regard to feeling sexy as a result of feeling better about yourself or just accepting that you are...
I warn any woman who thinks that weight may perhaps be behind their h's lack of desire...if you loose weight make damn sure you are doing it becuase you want for yourself and be prepared to deal with feeling even more sexy and then resentful over the fact that those thoughts and feelings are not always acted upon by your spouse even if they do happen to agree.
