Question ... on family day, or at some appropriate time, should I slip something in about us being able to talk, if he wants, without the MC present - not actually start a R talk, but let him know that I'm open if he needs to say something? Or should I just BE available for the conversation if and when he wants it?
If he wants to talk, can you listen?
Seems like an EASY question.
It's not that easy.
I'm not trying to offend you either.
It actually VERY hard NOT to get into an R talk, or defend or get emotional even with a C present...harder without one at first.
I like Grace's suggestion AND modus operandi.
That is a great question, and one I need to answer really honestly, because if I can't, then I risk setting us back, potentially way back. Soooo ... Yes, I believe I can. It will require a concentrated effort on my part to listen and keep my mouth SHUT but it's what I want to do, and what I need to do.
It's not an easy question at all, because I can be honest enough to admit that his observations have truth in them - one of his beefs is that when he talks, even as I'm listening, I seem to be thinking of how to fix it or what to say next. I think it will be a nice change - uncomfortable at first, and often very hard - to just listen. Stop the wheels from spinning and REALLY listen, not try to fix or spin or defend.
I too like Grace's suggestion AND modus operandi. I think I need to occasionally let him know that I'm here to LISTEN if he wants to talk and make sure that I continue to provide a safe environment in which to do that. And SHUTTING UP and LISTENING and VALIDATING are going to be what helps along the chats. I already know that if he tries to talk to me and I fail the test, well it's going to be a loooooong time before he even tries again - and it will undermine whatever belief he has in the sustainability of these changes he's seeing in me.
I figure going to a MC is a pre-decided R talk ... no bones about it. If he wants to go then I assume he'll either rebook it or ask me to. Even without the appt, I want him to know I'm here to listen if he wants to talk, but I don't want to initiate or force something if he's not ready. I can't tell from his response if he is disappointed that we're not going, or relieved, or surprised (he might be wondering why I'm not anxious to rebook??) ... I guess if he wants to talk with the MC present he'll rebook it.
Oh, and no offense taken. I'm guessing part of the reason most of land here has to do with our abilities to REALLY listen to our partners. I know it's true in my case. And if I can't honestly answer yes to your first question yet, then it's not the time to be offering to listen (ie. don't make promises I can't keep!) As I've seen on here ... if that question had bothered me, burned a bit or stung ... then it would really be time to evaluate why right? It doesn't ... it's a very reasonable and necessary question.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
