Confused and looking for advice

[CityGirl]

I have found by participating in other threads it helps gain a tremendous amount of perspective to your own situation.

It can be overwhelming, I know. One day at at time and take care of you!

[hockeymom12]

I give up, I am sorry I just cannot do this anymore, I get hope and then H crushes it. Yesterday we had 2 phone conversations and a text conversation and he seemed fine, I then walk in to work this morning and go to the bank account to find that he has removed his money, (he has talked about this but we never finalized anything) So I wait until I calm down and ask him to call me, when he does he is rude and stand offish, acting like I knew this was coming, to which I replied, we talked about it but you said we would meet face to face and you never approached the subject again so I was blindsided. I stayed calm but I was crying. He just kept pushing me that I was asking for too much money from him and why did I need that much. I tried to explain it but he just does not want to even hear it, he just does not want to be responsible anymore. I then told him that I would like to remove him from our joint account since I cannot see what he is doing then I do not think he should be able to see what I am spending my money on, he said he would not agree for this to happen. At this point I stopped what I was doing told him that I was done having the conversation as it was not going in a positive direction and I told him to have a great day and ended the conversation. He then sent me an email telling me he had transferred the funds.

[hockeymom12]

So I have had a couple of conversations with H today, the drama of the morning is gone, I still have no hope but at least we are talking nicely to each other. I told him that this is what I wanted, to just get along, I did not say I love him or ask for him back, I just said that I liked the way we had been getting along and did not want that to stop, he agreed.

[hockeymom12]

So tonight went well, I made a few errors but I am trying. I went for a walk when I got home from work and H showed up at the house to cut the grass, when I got back I asked him if he wanted pizza with us and he said sure. He was going to take S10 to his parent's for the weekend so he was in a bit of a rush to get the grass cut and head out. He was in and out of the house and things were good, somewhat normal. There was a problem with our order and he called to complain, when he was done (here is where I screw up) I laughed at his reaction and gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him he was funny. He just shook his head. Our son's plans ended up getting cancelled so H ended up just hanging out at the kitchen table with me and we just talked. Not about anything to do with our relationship but just general stuff. He ended up staying for an extra half hour at least and then he got up to leave. I just said goodbye and let him go. I ended up having to call him to ask how to boost our sons quad, he helped me through it patiently and was quite nice the entire evening. I do not take this as hope but at least we are getting along better.

[hockeymom12]

So today H did not come to D15 baseball as he had the flu. We had some conversation via text message and one phone call to discuss what was going to happen with our s10 as I was to be going out and before H got sick he was going to take him. He told me that he would be at our place for 4:30 to pick up S10. He then called again at 4:00 to say this again, I just said okay but I will be sleeping, if you want to peak your head in to say hi that is fine. I did not think he would at all. He ended up doing this and for some reason I woke up so we talked for a few minutes about D15 baseball and how he was feeling. I told him to take care of himself (he has been sick more times than I can count since he left). He then sent me a text to tell me that his phone was dying and since he was at his parent's he did not have his charger but he would be charging his phone later on when he got back to his brother's (where he is staying) I found this odd because he does not tell me things like this anymore and while I was suppose to contact him about baseball game times for tomorrow I would have only sent a text and not expected a response.

So I am going to take this as a positive, while he is not going to come home at least we are getting along better and in the long run maybe it will pay off.

[hockeymom12]

So I broke one of the rules today and cried in front of H. He showed up at baseball today and we sat in the same area and joked and talked. After baseball I went grocery shopping and he took the kids home as he had to cut the grass. I came home and started cleaning the house and just him being around got me in a panic. I managed to keep it under control and keep my emotions in check until he went to leave. He said good bye to the kids and was not lingering at all today. He did however come into the kitchen to tell me he was leaving and I said that I would follow him out because I needed to give him the MC's card. Outside he started talking about our week and what was going to happen. Our son has a baseball game on Wednesday and technically it is H's night. I asked him that if I could catch a ride with a friend of ours if he minded if I was at the game, he said sure and I can drive you home, I said I could catch a ride both ways, he then said you can come with us both ways as well. At this point I was crying a bit but managed to get it under control, we started talking about other things and then he brought up Wednesday again and said I could go with them. I said that I did not want to intrude with his time with our son and that I was sure he did not want to spend all that time with me. He laughed and said it was fine, he was totally fine with me going with them. At this time I really started to cry and ended up hugging him quickly and kissing him on the cheek. It was a very quick hug but he did put his arm around me. I then said okay you have to go now and have a great night and went into the house. So while I did show emotion I did not beg him to talk about our relationship or tell him I love him, I guess that is something? Also can I please get some advice on if I should go with him on Wednesday? This would be more time together I just do not know if it is smart.

[hockeymom12]

So another curve ball, I come into work to an email from H asking if I can call him, I do and leave him a message. He gets back to me an hour later, he says that he cannot get into the bank account online, this is because I got a new bank card, so I give him the information he needs, and here is the curve ball he then asks if he can start staying at the house every second weeekend with the kids, he then throws at me that if he is going to be paying for stuff still he is entitled to this and that if he wanted to throw my stuff on the front porch and lock the doors he could and it would be a fight for me to get back in, he would not do this he says he is just trying to prove a point. I was very taken aback but did not react angrily. I asked him if this was coming from his lawyer or him and he said him. He cannot go on living like he is and not seeing his kids. He wants to spend quality time with them without me around, he does not want to chit chat with me and does not want the kids to get false hope that we will get back together because that is never going to happen. I have no idea what to do. I was quite shocked because yesterday was a really good day, it almost seems like after a good day he gets freaked out and has to do something to push me. I mean I want to be accomodating however our kids do not want him to spend the night and I do not want to leave my kids but I would rather not use lawyers at this point!

[hockeymom12]

So I had an emergency session with my coach today as I was just feeling helpless. She helped me realize that H is acting predictable and is doing things for a certain reason. I can only hope that H falls into the category that eventually realizes they made a mistake and he decides to work on it. She gave me some great suggestions on how to deal with the above situation, which I followed and the situation has completely been diffused. We have agreed to talk to a counsellor and ensure we do this the right way. I think he is starting to think that maybe this was the wrong path but his stubborness will not allow him to admit that in even the smallest way. I guess we will see how tonight goes.

[hockeymom12]

I wonder when H will realize that he is the one initiating contact with me all the time and what he would do if I just stopped answering. Maybe I should try it. Last night I asked my D15 to get H's credit card number as I needed to order something for her. He then called me to ask if he could get it to me today, I said sure just email it to me, to which he replied while call me in the morning and I will email it to you then. Why did I need to call him, the only reason would be to have contact. So I did not I just emailed him and asked for it, not 5 minutes later he called to ask how S10 was as he was ill yesterday. I am maintaining contact with him as this is what my coach suggests but I think I am going to start being selective on when I answer.

I just opened my own bank account, sent my lawyer a deposit and here we go I guess, I just did not appreciate being threatened on Monday with my stuff being thrown out of the house if I do not allow him to spend weekends with the kids while I stay somewhere else. Why does he not realize that these are the consequences of him leaving and that I am not being vindictive or stubborn, I just do not see why I have to be put out to make his life better.

[hockeymom12]

If anyone has any advice on how to handle my next post that would be great.

I got home last night and H was right behind me, we were suppose to go to ball together but I had decided that was not a good idea. He kept asking why I wasn't going with him and I just said we can talk about it later. So later on I was in my room when he came back, he came in and said do you want to talk to me, to which I replied no I do not have anything to say other than thank you for the offer to drive me to ball I just did not fell up to it tonight. At this point he says have you given any more thought to me spending every second weekend here with the kids, I said no I want to talk to my lawyer and counsellor first. This is where is all goes to hell, he then gets upset that I will not give him anything and he deserve stuff and he has a seperation agreement written up and wants me to sign it. I tell him I am not ready for this, I am not ready to give up on our marriage. As he is leaving I ask him for a hug and he holds on so tight, I then ask him the OW question again and he says since we have split up I have been on 2 dates with 2 different women, one for 45 minutes and coffee and the other one out for drinks, while my son hears this and goes ballistic after his father leaves but that is a different story. At this point I remain calm but tell him I am hurt by this. I do not beg for him back at any point in this conversation but I do tell him I love him as he is leaving and he turns around as if he wants to say something but does not. Before this whole conversation he accidently called me honey.

So we fast forward to today and he calls me and we end up on this topic again, he wants the kids, they do not want to see him alone and I am the witch who is keeping him away from them and turning them against him. I inform him that our son heard him the night before to which he replies for crying out loud I am not seeing anyone I went on 2 akwards dates and realized I am not ready for that yet. At this point he goes on to say that since I am not open to signing the seperation agreement he is not open to going to the MC anymore, why should he give me something if I will not give on anything. At this point I reply so this is a test, if I give on some stuff you will say I am changing but if I don't then you are done? He replies no, there is even a clause that if we get back together then the seperation agreement is null and void, I cannot even say what is going to happen with us, we might get back together.

So what I need advice on is how do I handle this, I know I have to take the agreement to my lawyer and I will be doing that but do I ask him to at least work on our marriage or do I continue with the 180 and just act like it is not bothering me. I am also having a hard time with leaving the house, the kids do not want me to and I do not get why I have to be put out for him.

Thanks for reading.