Missher - Yes there is happiness on the other side. That I know. The sense of loss that I feel right now is just that a "feeling". This will pass that much I know. I have sooo realized that detachment is a gift. We talk about it from the perspective of a way to isolate ourselves from the crisis of our MLCer. For me, detachment is a gift to my wife. I have finally accepted that I cannot fix this, I play a role in this and boy did I not give her the opportunity to grow into the person that she needed to. If that person is someone that does not want me- well so be it. I will still love her and will understand.
GCG - You may not be at place where you feel like looking at my thread...but I really suggest that you do. Do a search and pull up some of the old ones. You will see a lot of you in those post. As I posted to you. Think about your W. consider how she feels... don't just say it - DO IT! It doesn't mean you lie down and allow yourself to be stepped on. No. I mean that you understand that she needs to do what she (and not with your permission) needs to do. Be a dad to the kids.
All - feeling a little better today. Still have my moments. Wrestling with the loss of control and the fear of the unknown - therein lies my next step. To face these, to deal with them and not allow the feelings to drive my actions.
God Bless
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
All - feeling a little better today. Still have my moments. Wrestling with the loss of control and the fear of the unknown - therein lies my next step. To face these, to deal with them and not allow the feelings to drive my actions.
I'm thinkin the best place to start is with a laugh...
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I just wanted to comment on something. It is imperative that we look inside ourselves and find out who we are and who we want to be if we are to be whole, happy people. During this process, when you look back, you should take ownership of your part in the breakdown of your marriage.
If you feel there were things you could have done differently and things you want to change about yourself, that is what you should work on.
But please dont take the blame for her not becoming the person she needed to be. Only she could do that. By doing so, you make her the victim.
And I say this because I blamed my h. Yes, he was controlling and put me down, etc. But ultimately, it was me who chose to allow it.
So, work on you. Let her work on her.
You are doing great, my friend. This all takes time. Just keep walkin'.
This Saturday, God willing I will be taking the boys to party at a friends house. Me and Toria will be going to a fair that just opened. As for Sunday, this is the W's day. So I will probably come in to work to catch up on some things. As for everything else, I have all of the finacial info ready for my attny. I'll be dropping that off tomorrow. I have to tell you though bro...I am in a very weird place. I am begining to "really" see things differently - very differently. I love the women dude. I do. Continue to work on loving her enought to let go. The M was never perfect...it was salvagable and I can see how my action during and up to a few weeks ago really made things worse. I'm not beating myself up - simply accepting my role. Simply identifing the c**p that I need to change. I'm on the journey...I'm on the walk...the walk forward.
B - BTW...just wondering are we friends on the alt? I think I know who you are and wanted to confirm.
Quote:
If you feel there were things you could have done differently and things you want to change about yourself, that is what you should work on.
That is EXACTLY where I am. Really reflecting on my shiznit..
Quote:
But please dont take the blame for her not becoming the person she needed to be. Only she could do that. By doing so, you make her the victim.[/qoute] The only blame I take is not working to understand and work on the issues that I brought to the M. Such as the "fixer" and "controlling" issues. You are right, I did not put a gun to her head - she made the choice to stay. I have not made her the victim. Based on her comments, she feels that she is and I need to accept that "that is how SHE feels". I pray and hope, I really do, that she finds what she is looking for. The legal aspect of this is just that...a legal issue. The M....we had died a while ago. Neither of us probably wanted to accept it for our own reasons. It is sad - I will though learn from it, which is what I can control.
[quote]So, work on you. Let her work on her.
That's the plan....The one wish I do have....is that ONE day she realizes just how much I loved her. For now, I work on being super DAD.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Sweetie, I am sure had you realized the issues were detrimental, you would have changed them. Hindsight is 20/20.
Now you know better, so you'll do better.
Use the knowledge to propel you forward. I just don't want to see you do what I did for a long time. I owned my part and then some and felt terribly guilty about everything. But, at some point I had to forgive myself and my h or I would not have been able to continue the journey.
I dont know if we are friends elsewhere. I am Beginner's Mind.
I just don't want to see you do what I did for a long time. I owned my part and then some and felt terribly guilty about everything. But, at some point I had to forgive myself and my h or I would not have been able to continue the journey.
Yeah I still live here sometimes. I'm trying to get over it and as you can imagine some days are better than others. The legal process is moving along. I just dropped off all of the info that was requested. I have to say the legal cr*p is tough. Very tough. I'm doing my best to work through it which is all I can ask of myself.
Thx for keeping an eye on me.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
The idea of finding out what the LBSer did to contribute (two to tango baby) to the failure of the marriage..isn't so the LBSer can tie themselves to a cross and dwell on it.
It is to effect change, to strive to avoid and become better.
Apologize and move on.
Doing your best is all you can do.
There is an epitaph in Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona, which reads, "Here lies Jack Williams; he done his damnedest." What more can a person do? - Harry S. Truman
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 06/10/1005:29 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
