Did your W feel that your T was biased (maybe b/c he didn't agree with a S being the answer to her problem)? Is that why you found a new one? It's like she marched into the new T's office and said, "Now this is what I want!" Instead of waiting for the T to counsel the two of you. It sounds like she just wants to keep finding new T until she gets one to agree that S is the road to happiness. But IDK and I don't know what all the T said.
Actually, no. We had seen her therapist as a couple and my therapist (a woman, BTW) as a couple. We were advised to seek a T that was not looking out for either of our interests...one that was "unbiased" and did make us feel like the T had only one persons interests in mind.
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She has shut you out of her sexual life. From what you are saying about things, she has built a wall around herself and is shutting you out of everything concerning her emotional needs.
It is easy for a woman to give her babies all of her attention and physical energy....b/c they demand it. If she's not very careful,there is no energy or real interest to share with H when he comes home.....and at bedtime, she is so exhausted she just wants sleep.
Well, yes. Our sexual issues go back years. My W has never once initiated intimacy. I guess she expects things to happen. The way I read her actions was that she wasn't interested at any given moment since she never expressed much desire. And so I started reacting to those actions by withdrawing. Personally, I have struggled with low self-esteem and feelings of being undesireable. Was that because she wasn't an initiator? Maybe. My feelings for her have always been strong. This is a part of our R that we both contributed to in negative ways over time to the point where it became too large and confusing to deal with. I want that wall taken down.
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Before going any further let me ask some questions, okay? Was everything in the R "normal" before she had the twins? I mostly mean did you have intimacy problem? You probably said but I can't remember.
Normal in that we loved each other and have always maintained strong emotional ties to each other. Never fought. Intimacy was something we struggled with.
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Why do you think she's built a wall around herself? Women don't do that for no reason. That's not to say it is or is not b/c of you, but you have the closest look at this stitch, so what would you say would be the reason she's done this?
She has said I hurt her by not at times "being there" for her and the kids. She has said that I would put myself before her. That was the perception, and reality in many ways IS perception. She has built a wall around herself and that hurt and she won't let me in. She will barely acknowledge the fact that in the past 4 months I am a completely different person. She said, "I am happy for the kids' sake."
She said she feels "stuck" because I am around. So stuck that all the help I give and all the time I spend with the kids and efforts to lighten the stress she feels is making her feel STUCK. I guess just the fact that I am there is making her feel that way. No, don't think beyond that. She doesn't want to work on anything, despite the fact that we have identified our issues. She wants me to be close, esp. for the children. She wants me at an arm's reach. But she won't try to fix what has been broken. She has bottled everything up for years and now it has exploded.
As she was explaining her position to the T, she said, "But through it all we are really good friends." She wants the friendship w/o the M, and I can't accept that esp. since we have 2 kids. I can't be half of something and I don't want to make concessions to appease her irrational thought. She won't come totally clean with her issues and work to get over them.
I heard someone talking about marriage today and it hit home with me. Aside from living at a time when we've lowered the bar on everything it seems, we have done the same to the commitment we make when entering into M. Ask any couple that has made it 20, 30, 40, 50 years together if they loved each other every day for 50 years or even LIKED each other. The answer is no. Every couple faces challenges and times when the M is put to the test. People fall in and out of love with each other. Individual growth comes when faced with extreme challenges. Not by running away from them.
My T said that we will likely argue our positions a lot in T and unless she lets some light in not get too far. Perhaps at some point down the line I might give her some of what she wants and agree to give her space and time alone. Agree on a time table (2, 3 months) and leave and let her experience life w/o me and all the responsibility. Something to give her the dose of reality she's not currently getting. But when I leave with the kids she stresses out and checks in every hour. When I went out alone to a reunion one night I was getting TXT messages begging me to come home and help her with the C who were crying and not sleeping. How can she be so sure about what she wants but then totally crumble when the going gets tough? W/o me there how can she expect it to get any easier?
This morning she suggested taking the kids to the aquarium this weekend with her sis, H, and 2 kids. Again, she wants us to do things together for the kids. I don't know what to think about it. Go and have fun with the boys or say no, I am too overwhelmed and confused with emotions that I don't think I should go?
This new T told me that her job is to help each of us achieve our goals. Oy. Our goals right now are different. What in the heck is she talking about? How is that going to happen?
