Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Thank you Puppy. I find myself doing a lot of analyzing the M and what I could have done better. I'm not afraid to admit my faults. I need to do this. Some of my faults were obvious and some I really had to think about. My W would point out the major issues (job, depression, etc.) but not so much the less obvious issues (smothering, critical spirit, negativity, etc.). Overall I was/am a good person and loved/love my W more than anything but I did make mistakes which I am forever regretful. I don't know why I didn't see some of my mistakes back then when they are clear to me now? I always considered myself a very mature person but perhaps I was lacking some relationship maturity. I've definitely gotten an education on relationships through this situation and learned a lot.

I've been taking the lead and doing what needs to be done with the house. I trimmed back all of the tress and bushes in the evenings this week. I am taking control of dealling with the agent. The agent contacted me yesterday to inform me we had a showing scheduled at the house yesterday. I emailed W and told her and also told her that I trimmed back all of the landscapong to make it look more open and make the yard appear larger. Didn't hear back from W yesterday but that's ok I just wanted to update her and keep her in the loop. Agent contacted me this morning about another showing for today. I emailed W again this morning and told her about today's scheduled showing. W emaied me back about 20 minutes later today and thanked me for the updates and also for trimming the trees and bushes. I'm glad that she responded and acknowledged my efforts.

I was reading Greek's story in another thread of how she was attracted to Coach when he took charge of things. That's what I've been trying to do. Don't know if it will help my sitch or not but I'm trying.

I was talking to another friend of mine this past Sunday. He and his W were separated for 18 months and are now happily back together. He was the WAS. She wanted to save the M but he didn’t. For him, he said he needed time. He said one day it was like he had an epiphany and knew he had to get back together. Anyway, he said he saw my W back in late January/early February at a local grocery store. She asked him if he knew about W and me being separated. He said yes and he was surprised and sorry to hear it. She said that it was coming for awhile and she finally decided to leave. She said good things about me but said she was happier now. She said that all of my friends probably don’t like her now and think she’s a bad person for what she did to me. She knows my friends like me and hoped they didn’t look at her as a bad person but understood if they did.

W said she heard that I was taking the separation very hard. She said she knew I had my friends that would help me get through this. My friend said that I hadn’t mentioned it to him yet (another one of my friends told him) but he would be there for me if/when I decided to talk. My friend said she sounded upbeat during the conversation. It was almost word for word the exact conversation she had with my other friend who she called back in February to ask him if I had told anyone. It seems like she tells the same story to everyone. Almost like she is trying to justify it to them. Guilt maybe? Confusion maybe? Who knows?

Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions this past Sunday. I find that she actually helped out and made an effort to vacuum and then emailed me about it later last night, then hearing my friend tell me that she said she felt this way for awhile (it was a long time coming were her words I think he said) and was happier now. I felt good all day up until when I talked to my friend. I felt like maybe the vacuuming was some very, very small step of her showing respect. Then I hear my friend tell me what she said and it made me feel bad. Granted, she said all of this months ago to my friend when she was really trying to push to divide everything and move on. Who knows now?

He, like my other friend, suggested I ask her out for coffee or to talk. He suggested I tell her that while I understand she wants to move on that it’s not what I want and I would like to talk about it and see if we can work on things. He told me that he believes she is going through this independence stage. He said he went through it when he separated from his W. He said it was very liberating and he enjoyed his freedom. He didn’t date, he just enjoyed living his own life for awhile. He said after having his freedom he finally realized that he still had feelings for his W and wanted to get back together.

I don't think the time is right to ask W for anything right now. I'm the one who needs to continue to do the work and show some consistency. Perhpas later on there will be a right time to talk. In the meantime I'm just trying to live life the best that I can right now. I'm keeping busy. After work I've been refereeing youth soccer games most weeknights and on weekends (including this weekend and next for a tournament). I play soccer three times a week. I still do work at my real estate office on the side. Continue going to the gym. I think I figured out a schedule to go when W shouldn't be there. I'm going to a World Cup Soccer party with friends this weekend. Have another friend coming in from out of town this weekend and will hang out with him. Finally got a chance to play golf for the first time this season last week. Will be moving back home soon. Will be starting my college courses in another month. Have been on several interviews for a better job. Continue to read R books. Take my dogs for walks, etc. etc. W would probably be shocked if she knew everything I'm doing now, especially socializing with friends (something I never did a lot of in the past and she critcized me for it). I haven't told her any of these things I'm doing now because I'm afraid she might think it's all fake.

Thanks for the continued support and advice everyone. I am most definitely listening.