BBJ, I actually did get that acknowledgment. My wife said to me once "I want you to know that there is no one who could have tried harder to save this marriage than you, I just want you to know I recognize that" I was happy to hear that but in the long run has it made any difference in the way I have healed...probably not.
Letting go for real is tough stuff. But also quite necessary.Cause arguing the same case in your mind when there never will be a jury to hear it, is exhausting, too.
Hi BBJ, This is so true. I am also reading Journey from Abandonment and am still on the Shattering chapter. It's uncanny how well she describes the feelings, and the actions!
You are progressing with such strength and dignity. Thank you for sharing. I love the name of this thread!! :-)
Wii, I have had a few fleeting moments of clarity from my H that could be called acknowledgement. Once in the car he said he was wrong to blame me for his not going to grad school/vet school, following his dreams, etc. That he knew it was his choice to make and not mine, so he shouldn't have blamed me.
Even when he 'dumped' me again last September, in his email he said I was a wonderful mom and that I had shown him the true meaning of unconditional love and forgiveness, but he just couldn't find that 'spark' anymore that he used to have for me, and I deserved someone whose face lit up when they saw me like his once did...
So I have some acknowledgements, I think it is just one of those things you have to learn to live with. For whatever reasons, valid or invalid, realistic/unrealistic, mature or immature, he decided he didn't want to be married to me anymore. And he will have to own that decision.
My son was talking to me about daddy and I living in different places tonight as he has a friend whose parents divorced. The dad has a new girlfriend. Nathan said he was glad daddy and I didn't have boyfriend/girlfriends. Anyway at some point I said I had made a promise to love daddy forever and I had kept that promise and he pointed out that Dan left so I said, "Yes, daddy broke his promise to stay with me" because I really didn't know what else to say. Anyway he actually said, "But that doesn't mean daddy won't go to heaven, does it?"
Yikes! I just said, "No, daddy moving out doesn't mean he won't go to heaven." That is the last thing Nathan needs to be worried about!
This evening was pretty great. Hung out with the kids, made dinner, then took them to his ball game. Nathan was 2/4 at bat which is not too shabby! Then my parents took us out for Chinese. Good stuff. Tomorrow if the storms don't linger we will go swimming.
Ok time to do some laundry! Funny Dan called to talk to Nathan about his game and I talked for about 45 seconds and passed the phone on to Nathan and then Sydney. I really didn't have any desire to 'connect' like I normally would. I just don't see the point...He didn't want me, so he doesn't get me anymore.
Meanwhile, I'm thinking... are you kidding! I would be telling the man to run... unless he likes control freaks!
I'd be telling the guy to start running while I load the shotgun... (disclaimer: ok I don't own any firearms)
BBJ, you're doing good, hang in there...
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
I guess I got a little closure after my final mediation session. I was walking to my car and she said "I know this isn't what you want. I'm sorry."
I turned and almost took a step towards her to give her a hug. Instead, I turned back to my car and she said again, "I'm sorry."
I just looked and kept walking.
I don't know if she was looking for an "I forgive you" or an "it's OK."
I've excused so many shabby ways she treated me or others over the years because I was trying to help/protect/fix her and lift her out of her depression.
I don't know if I've handled any of this the right way. There is no right way. BBJ, you seem to be doing fine. Interesting about the telephone call. I feel the same way. There have been occasions since she filed that it seemed like she was trying to "connect" or be friends. And I don't want it either. I was "all-in" in poker terms. She didn't want to be "all-in" anymore and I have other people I can be friends with.
But I'm not sure that's the right way to be long term. I picked up a book "Forgiving is a choice" and am going to start reading it. I lent my abandonment book to another person in need.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Thanks, I like to think I am doing well. I kind of feel like I woke up from a weird dream this evening or something. I am trying to figure out how I have been doing so much w/Dan after all the crap he has pulled on me. The idea that we have sent upbeat/teasing texts back and forth, hung out so much with the kids and everything, for some reason suddenly that stuff just does not make sense to me.
I like to think I was trying to be the bigger person, and doing what I could to salvage a decent relationship for the sake of the kids. However really I know there was also an element of 'show him the great BBJ and he will want back in' going on some of the time.
Anyway that is behind me. I don't want to go out and make his life miserable or anything. Truly I am one of the lucky ones going through this bc at least in my case, I don't have to sell the family home or anything. I get to keep my house, my lifestyle hasn't really changed all that much, in fact I have much less debt than I had when we were married. I have less income too, but it doesn't seem like it bc so much of 'our' money went to cattle, Dan's social life, and his attempts to have the newest and best everything to impress other people.
Anyway just kind of strange that these layers are slowly peeling back. Will have to make sure I don't backslide once he gets back in town from his trip.
You are very slowly getting there. I suppose that many people do take a couple years to heal. Eventually, you will get to the point where you just dont feel like writing or thinking about Dan anymore. If it were not for my kids and coparenting, I would be perfectly happy to never have to talk or see my ex wife again.
I cant wait to hear the day when you mention you are getting those blissful feelings while developing a lasting friendship with a handsome, happy, intelligent and well mannered guy who has a positive attitude about his life.
Well Kerry I did get an email from a guy in Omaha who loves the Cardinals and golfing. Naturally, the fact that I enjoy both things has impressed him. I still think it would be easier to casually date someone I already know, like an old classmate, coworker, etc. Just going in 'blind' to meet someone still doesn't feel quite right to me.
Gotta go get my kids, they stayed w/my parents and a big thunderstorm is headed our way in about 45 minutes....
Well Kerry I did get an email from a guy in Omaha who loves the Cardinals and golfing. Naturally, the fact that I enjoy both things has impressed him. I still think it would be easier to casually date someone I already know, like an old classmate, coworker, etc. Just going in 'blind' to meet someone still doesn't feel quite right to me.
Gotta go get my kids, they stayed w/my parents and a big thunderstorm is headed our way in about 45 minutes....
Hey.......I don't live in Omaha? I only visit sometimes!
H: 30 W: 31 S: 2 T/M: 6/4 D Final 4-5-10
Bomb: June 09 Status: D'd and moving onward and upward?
I still think it would be easier to casually date someone I already know, like an old classmate, coworker, etc. Just going in 'blind' to meet someone still doesn't feel quite right to me.