Just Confronted - A Litttle Confused

[june72]

QS, your posts have brought me out of hiding. Trying to avoid the boards.
While, I do not have experience with a spouse cheating, I can really relate with some of the panic you are going through.


Someone made a really great quote on these boards that you have to act like a "walking dead soldier". Meaning your going into battle with no fear, no anxiety, you know you are more than likely going to die but it's freeing in a way. You are going to fight unfettered and fight till the bloody death. Does this make any sense?

I personally had the attitude that our marriage will probably end in a D but I am going to fight the good fight so that I have peace in my heart that I did everything I could. It released a lot of anxiety for me.

About your wife's stance that now you have ruined things. Ha- such total script BS. Read tons of posts here and you will see that over and over again. It's pure manipulation- don't fall for it. My hubby stated- "is there a word for more than done?" when talking about us.

I got the "I hate you, I can't stand to be around you, I would never be your friend", etc. I also got the "you did this, you caused the marriage to end" yada, yada. Look at my status now.

You can't fear the dreaded D. It does not mean the end. What is the statistic on remarrying the spouse you earlier D'ed? Is it 20%?, I don't know I would have to look it up.


Don't panic now (I now easy to say, hard to do), stay the course and move forward confidently (at least fake it). If she is set on Ding you she will do it regardless. The only thing you have control over is yourself. You behaviors and actions can affection the situation though...positively or negatively.

If you cave to her now and apologize for going to her family or spying on her the battle is lost, you could still win the war but your really will have a serious setback.

DO NOT SHOW FEAR OR CAVE TO HER.

Me: I love you and will do what ever it takes to make our marriage a better one, I will not give up on us
Hubby: This is all your fault, there is no hope let, I want to never see you again, etc.....venomous, contemptuous, spew....
Me: I love you and will not give up on our marriage. I am sorry you feel that way....

Also, join some meetup.com groups right away and GAL like crazy. It really, really works. Two reasons- 1st you have social outlets to take your mind off of the negative events at home and 2nd- it's a 180 that surprises your spouse and get's them curious about you. Make sense? That was my plan- I am going to live, enjoy life, not get mired down and will be accepting of reconcilliation. I am not going to to go hid in a dark room some where. (OK, I had to fake it, hold my tears in check at public events but it really pulled me though the toughed periods to get away from things for a few hours)

Just my 2 cents...

Oh, and BTW, Puppy and Allen are two of the best vets here. They provide flawless advice, they are always spot on.