Nothing fits

[mishka422]

Thx Julia. I am trying to see focus on the positives but I dwell on the unknown.

Last night was a little rough on me and I felt really bad about it.

It's silly, but it played on all my insecurities.

I had gone to take a shower and thought we could have a nice evening together afterward so I lit a couple of candles, put some music on and took a pretty nightgown into the bathroom with me. Yeah, it's hokey, I know, but it makes me feel good. So, I came out of the bathroom wearing that, Gabe was laying in bed watching Southpark while the candle was burning and the music was playing. It was pretty obvious what was going to happen if he wanted it but he didn't turn off the darned tv and then I knelt on the bed and a horrific pain shot up from my knee which froze in place. I litterally fell over on the bed in pain. Now, that was pretty danged humiliating for me. Here I am, trying to do something semi-romantic and I fall over like an idiot, crying out in pain in this danged nightie and Gabe started laughing....uncontrollably. Belly laughs here people. It added so much to my humiliation that I got upset and started crying. He kept trying to tell me that he couldn't help it because the combination of the setting, the nightgown and the falling over just struck him funny and he couldn't stop. It wasn't that he was laughing AT me, just that the situation was comical. Logically, I know that. Emotionally, it tore me up.

What I was doing last night was totally outside of my comfort zone. I don't feel exactly comfortable wearing something like that. I feel ridiculous but Gabe usually responds to it which then makes me feel good. The laughing made me feel so exposed and that hurt badly. Because I'm not sure what this R is between us I'm not comfortable putting myself out there like that. The idea that one bad move on my part, being pushy or demanding of him, asking too much from him is going to send him running makes everyday a struggle for me to balance.

Needless to say, the mood was killed and I went and put on my regular pj's and blew out the candle. Didn't sleep very well after that either.

Yes, these are my problems, not his. I did tell him that I felt ridiculous and that was why I was upset, not that I was upset with him. He reassured me that he absolutely wasn't laughing at me, just the comedy of the situation. I told him that it would have seemed really funny to me too if I hadn't been feeling so vulnerable at the time.

So......more exposure of how messed up I really am. I don't know what the next step is to take. I feel like I need to sit him down and ask him point blank what he really wants but I know that wouldn't get me the answers I feel I need. He doesn't know what he wants anymore than I do.

Life is just too complicated for me! Can I run away and live on a Kibutz now?????