Bomb was dropped in Aug when I found "love emails" and he admitted to EA. Claimed he was in love and wanted a divorce. I posted awhile on the new comers area and got good advice. I've been DBing my heart out since. We've come a long way; from him saying absolutely getting a D in Sept, to "I love you and miss you" Xmas day, but we seem to have stalled out. His OW is very manipulative and has done some serious "push-pull" and other head games. She has already gotten her D and desperately(it seems) trying to hang on to her 20 yr older VP of the company, my husband, constantly stroking his ego etc. Now he is at the point of feeling like he is in the middle of us and "can't choose". I'm doing a delicate dance of just enough contact, but trying not to allow "cake eating". Background: A now 33, 32 when bomb, yr marriage that everyone that knew us considered enviable(one reason she went after him). Extreme stress from a mentally ill child(now 20), his work, and other economic factors with the downturn in economy. MLC was pretty subtle, or maybe I was too involved w/ MI child to see it, until winter '09; I think it was around awhile looking back on his obsession with weight loss other indicators. He had been the guy everyone admired as high integrity, honest to a fault, family man devoted to his wife.I asked him to move out in Sept '09 and he eventually moved in with her for awhile. He moved out after a couple of months (to a male friends) and remains there. What I need advice on is how to get him over this hump. He keeps taking tiny baby steps, but cannot seem to give up OW. He has been in counseling, but says it is not helping. I suggested a new IC, recommended by mine, which he asked for, but don't think he has contacted them. Since the tide started to turn in Dec he has begun traveling almost every week. Most friends feel it is escape and he really doesn't need to travel for work that much. He recently asked me out for dinner for our anniversary, and I'm sitting here looking at flowers he sent for my birthday with a card signed "Love" his name.He is out of the country. I also know he is still spending the night with her from time to time, and still tells me he loves her. My IC says he'll do this as long as I allow it; that I need to shake him up, but she's not really a DB person, although she has been supportive of my efforts and amazed at his turn around at this point. I'll stop rambling and ask for input.
You're screen name sets the stage. If you want to be all mellencholly (yeah I spelled it wrong Grit...get over it its not a tuber from Nigeria) at least be...more subtle about it. : )
So Poe.
Before we move forward,
Let me ask you a question.
Who can YOU control? Absolutely 100% control?
Past that question,
Check out the resources at the top of this board for MLC and see if your husband fits. If you havent, and are basing your opinion of him soley on societies views of an MLC you might be wrong. : )
I'm sure others will be along rightly to pick apart certain things in your history.
: )
You came here for support. Well, you came to the right place, however support isn't just:
"Oh you poor thing, he is a beast and she is the spawn of the devil, you did nothing wrong and deserve silk sheets when you wipe your butt."
: )
You're going to acttually feel poked prodded and sometimes attacked.
You'll get stronger here, and we will support you, but you will also see the role you played in the demise of your marriage, while you, hopefully, work on becoming a better person all around.
Not everyone here 'saved' their marriage. That is your current defintion of success, and that is ok even though that is wrong.
But most everyone here has saved themself...or is working on it. And in time you will realize that is the true success.
Nice to met you Poe, this is the best worst place to be right now.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Get him over the hump? You can't. That's the point of these boards, the reading, and your path. Hopefully you're path is straight up the mountain, that's the path I took. Too long to wind along the mountain with the MLCer, slowly climbing so your legs don't get tired. Nope, charge right on up and learn, grow, GAL.
You can't get or help him to do anything. I know, I was in your place just a short time ago. Thinking I could DB and get him back. DBing is part of it, but the rest is knowing this is a long haul. Shorter for some, let's hope you are one of those. But for all, it's relatively long.
Your job is to grow you, find the things about you that you want to fix. We all have them. Do the things you always wanted to do. Grow, learn, do. Set goals, but make most of them about you.
This is truly the only way you can get through this.
And if you have the stamina and stick-to-it-tiveness you will make it to the end. Maybe by then, H will have caught up and see you waiting for him.
It sounds as if your H is still stuck in replay as he has an OW. He will make no decissions whilst she is in the background. Have you read the stages of MLC. He has a long way to go yet.
A the moment he has it both ways. Two women who are stroking his ego and giving him love. He is ping ponging about at the moment. There is nothing you can do to help him he has to work it out for himself. You are right some ment do have problems deciding and wait for one of the women to make a move i.e divorce or bring the affair to a close.But you can work on yourself by detaching and giving him space and time. It is possible to keep the door open during this time.
Jack is right. Read the resources and make sure your H sounds as if he is in MLC. Only you will know. The resources are great for getting info and and advice for your situation.
LOL, Poe, that's good! I picked the screen name at the beginning of all this because I was so incredulous that this could happen to me. The one with the "perfect" marriage. I've done a lot of sole searching, praying and changing since then. I GAL; had to since I experienced the death of my mother(the only close extended family), sent the last child to college,sent mentally ill son out of the house, and lost the H within 2 months. Yeah, I know poor pitiful me.
I have lost 35 lbs, at 5' and joined a gym I attend at least 3x's a week. Joined a new neighbors group with tons of activities and attend as many as I can get to. I've also done some serious 180's on some dependence issues. Girlfriends have been kind, but one problem is they are tiring of the lingering and are all married, most with kids still at home. Why not just D they ask? You deserve better. So I turn here for people that understand why I don't just get a D.
MLC? Most definitely see it looking back. He longs for the football hero days with girls falling at his feet. He is living a frat brother existence with cards and alcohol many nights. He is a replay king right now with depression of varying degrees. I earlier saw the anger of life denied; most of that seems to be gone.
Yes, I do focus on saving the marriage, but I'm here because I can no longer live with this constant lost out of breath feeling in my chest. So poke and prod, I'm just looking for a few wiser and more experienced than I to help me find a path out of all this, preferably with my sanity even if he has lost his.
OK, so your pushing me to say the only one I can control is myself, therefore I'm the one that has to move over the hump. Easier said than done. Especially when he keeps dabbling with my feelings keeping a grip on my rope, dragging me behind him. He doesn't want to let go, nor reel me in. I, in all fairness, don't want to be cut loose.
So if I'm not ready to turn my back and walk away with his baby steps coming my way, how do I survive this? I keep getting reminded it is going to be a long haul. He makes it very hard to distance when he keeps knocking at the door.
