Oh, of course you are an Art History major, LFA! Did I ever tell you that I got to see Matisse's The Red Room in person? swoon!
It was really huge to feel that I COULDN'T say: "X dumped me."
It hurts and sucks but is more truthful to say and know: "X made other choices." Choices about what made him happy? or his own self-knowledge, awareness, of what he was missing in our R?
I know intellectually that I am not responsible for his-or anyone else's happiness--but--oh here I go, I can't let go of it:
What he wanted: commitment (marriage) and more sex: I wanted, too.
But the communication (lack of) and patterns were so set--I didn't see that, didn't really "feel" that, just kept bouncing along thinking that maybe someday I will/can say something...and then it was too late.
So the changes I wouldacouldashoulda made--would have made me happier, too. At least, that's how it looks from this particular perspective.
Intimacy 101: I texted Transition Object (OK, let's just call him K) a...ahem...little thank you for a particularly..ummm...fun evening (and morning! ).
Why text? 'cause it seemed sexy, modern, teasy, AND--I could say what I wanted to say without saying it.
Anyone see a pattern here?
So, after waiting all day hoping for an equally teasy little text back, K calls in the evening, and truly starts out with: Why do you text instead of calling?
Ummm, errr,, gahhh...cause I would have had to SAY what I was feeling? NO WAY! Let's remember, Aver has trouble with this INTIMACY and honest feeling/expression thing!
Now, let's also know that K is a chunk older (how much older? I don't really know! But if texting it brand new to me, it is completely not in his social expectations--tho he does pretty good at it!)
Point being--here is someone flat out saying: why don't you say what you are feeling to me?
and I completely choke on the possibility that I could do such a thing.
If this isn't something to bring to the IC, what is??
How am I going to grow and get past this? Part of it is just being shy; part is thinking texting is sexy/cool; part is--the whole reason X is marrying someone else.
Do people REALLY go around saying what they are feeling? What am I, an alien?
Well, guess my IC will be putting her kids through college with me!
Wish me luck this afternoon--for some reason I am going to have lunch with my ex-inlaws (well, it will be some closure).
But this weekend is off to NH to spend time with a good girlfriend, so that will be a good change (and I hardly have to plan at all--I just have to get there)
). 
