That video QS will do your talking for you... it runs about 40 mins... And yes that's Michele Davis speaking at a conference on saving marriage.. its addressed to third parties such as friends and family
download it, its on my server and it won't be there forever.
If that doesn't turn your parents around I will be shocked... And that doens't happen to me here very often...
Do all their parents 100% support them and tell them that divorce is the BEST option?
Her parents said all that FULLY knowing she had affairs and what she did. Do all the parents say "im surprised it lasted as long as it did"?
They don't "FULLY" know a damned thing. They've been pre-SPUN -- "reverse exposure," as Allen calls it accurately.
As for the rest of it, 100% "SCRIPT." In fact, I think I called nearly word-for-word the "NOW YOU'VE BLOWN ANY CHANCE!" b.s.
The TRUTH, QuickSilver. Delivered calmly, matter-of-factly, and earnestly, to her parents -- over and over and over, as many times as is necessary. I re-exposed my wife's antics to her parents probably a dozen times. And no, they never sided with me as much as I would have liked -- she's their daughter. But slowly, I won them over, they ALWAYS knew I was telling them the truth, and my love and RESPECT for them shone thru my words . . . and my actions . . . over time.
I understand I have to keep it away from a He-said She-said.
Do I talk to him about me knowing what he said to her about 110% supporting the divorce?
Do I let him know that I wish the marriage could be saved, and that I will do whatever it takes to save my marriage?
Do I tell him how hurt I am that he would support the divorce?
Do I tell him that she told me about all this in order to hurt me?
She is his daughter, and I am fully convinced she is not lying to me about what he said. She may have embellished it alot to make it hurt me even more, but it appears that her parents are truly behind her in this.
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They don't "FULLY" know a damned thing. They've been pre-SPUN -- "reverse exposure," as Allen calls it accurately.
No they fully knew. I told them EVERYTHING. They knew all the details. I told them on Tuesday, and they both saw her last night FULLY knowing what she had done.
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As for the rest of it, 100% "SCRIPT." In fact, I think I called nearly word-for-word the "NOW YOU'VE BLOWN ANY CHANCE!" b.s.
But what about the rest of the stuff, like "you should have just backed off and respected my privacy because the marriage is over and my sex chats are none of your business"
And "I was searching for the attention/affection, and until I was ready to get it from you I had the right to get it where I felt comfortable"
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 06/10/1001:59 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
QS, your posts have brought me out of hiding. Trying to avoid the boards. While, I do not have experience with a spouse cheating, I can really relate with some of the panic you are going through.
Someone made a really great quote on these boards that you have to act like a "walking dead soldier". Meaning your going into battle with no fear, no anxiety, you know you are more than likely going to die but it's freeing in a way. You are going to fight unfettered and fight till the bloody death. Does this make any sense?
I personally had the attitude that our marriage will probably end in a D but I am going to fight the good fight so that I have peace in my heart that I did everything I could. It released a lot of anxiety for me.
About your wife's stance that now you have ruined things. Ha- such total script BS. Read tons of posts here and you will see that over and over again. It's pure manipulation- don't fall for it. My hubby stated- "is there a word for more than done?" when talking about us.
I got the "I hate you, I can't stand to be around you, I would never be your friend", etc. I also got the "you did this, you caused the marriage to end" yada, yada. Look at my status now.
You can't fear the dreaded D. It does not mean the end. What is the statistic on remarrying the spouse you earlier D'ed? Is it 20%?, I don't know I would have to look it up.
Don't panic now (I now easy to say, hard to do), stay the course and move forward confidently (at least fake it). If she is set on Ding you she will do it regardless. The only thing you have control over is yourself. You behaviors and actions can affection the situation though...positively or negatively.
If you cave to her now and apologize for going to her family or spying on her the battle is lost, you could still win the war but your really will have a serious setback.
DO NOT SHOW FEAR OR CAVE TO HER.
Me: I love you and will do what ever it takes to make our marriage a better one, I will not give up on us Hubby: This is all your fault, there is no hope let, I want to never see you again, etc.....venomous, contemptuous, spew.... Me: I love you and will not give up on our marriage. I am sorry you feel that way....
Also, join some meetup.com groups right away and GAL like crazy. It really, really works. Two reasons- 1st you have social outlets to take your mind off of the negative events at home and 2nd- it's a 180 that surprises your spouse and get's them curious about you. Make sense? That was my plan- I am going to live, enjoy life, not get mired down and will be accepting of reconcilliation. I am not going to to go hid in a dark room some where. (OK, I had to fake it, hold my tears in check at public events but it really pulled me though the toughed periods to get away from things for a few hours)
Just my 2 cents...
Oh, and BTW, Puppy and Allen are two of the best vets here. They provide flawless advice, they are always spot on.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
But what should my strategy be when I meet with her dad in an hour or so?
I want to tell him that I am 110% committed to saving the marriage and being the best husband I can for his daughter.
Gosh, I am not sure here. What you stated about seems like it would be a good idea. I personally would make sure to say your love your wife very much and are willing to take whatever steps are necessary to heal this marriage. Maybe mention how the children need an intact marriage.
IDK, hope others can respond with some wise words.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
IDK, hope others can respond with some wise words.
QS, I honestly think that everything you need to know (so far) is upthread. I'd suggest taking a deep breath, getting in a quiet, undistracted place, and RE-READING everyone's posts to you so far -- esp. Allen's.
As they used to say in those Prego commercials . . . "it's in there."
QS, if you need more time to prepare then reschedule.. don't go in there a mess with nothing ready... but Puppy's main point is spot on.. it takes TIME to win them over.. it is their daughter
I TOLD you to WATCH that VIDEO and share it with them... THAT is EXACTLY what you want themt o hear is in that video..GOT IT?
