"Forrest, you are the voice of calm in the storm."
Well.. that is a new one I never heard.
"Thank you so much for your guidance....reading your post really did help to slow my head down a bit."
Thank you. I have been on the other side and I know what it's like. Slow and steady is the idea!
"We do not have a legal separation agreement."
This is what I meant when I said it would leave you in the line of fire. Depending on where you live (state) there are a lot of issues with not having said agreement. I am not ready to tell you to L up quite yet. Just walk with me for a while.
You need a journal. In this journal you need to write down expenses. The expenses must be family related. Travel time.. Clothes.. Food.. you get the idea.. right? Do not back date it.. start from today and write down what you remember.. then keep an accurate log from here on out. Make this happen.. like now!
"First and foremost I have asked her if we are going to continue counseling and she refuses to answer."
For right now.. stop asking. Just drop it. It is most likely not really helping. You build it up to be more than it really is. That is normal and expected. Lets see what she does.
"She did say that she is not "ruling out" the "possibility" that I could come stay at the condo "at some time in the future." Again...stringing me along to keep me docile."
Tell her you appreciate the thought. Use your words. You do appreciate that she is "willing to do that for you".. right? Tell her you look forward to that day. If you wanna sugar coat it. My thought is just a simple.. that sounds good honey.
Now.. if you look at the last statement you made in the "" above.
What is she trying to "see"?
"She claims the condo arrangement is "temporary" and this is plausible as there are a ton of seasonal rentals available where she lives."
So.. she has had the condo.. and did not want to tell you. Cause you would get all "crazy". I can see that.
You agreed to her moving.. where she stays at has little to no impact on this.
"Re: the mortgage"
Just say yes.
I read it all.
Here is the question...
What happens when she screws you?
On a scale of 1 to 10.. how pissed are you gonna be when she does screw you? 1 meaning you will never give it another thought.. 10 meaning you are gonna snipe her the next day.
I want an honest.. well thought out answer to that question.
"I'm going to take your advice and stay quiet for now. I'm going to just let things ride and see where she decides to take this over the next 30 days."
We won't let it ride for that long. 10 days.. that is my thought.
"September could be the month we establish a joint residence or it could be the month she files paperwork. I am meeting with a lawyer to prepare for the latter and not committing myself to any long term lodging obligations in case the former comes to fruition."
Sounds good.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
On a scale of 1 to 10.. how pissed are you gonna be when she does screw you? 1 meaning you will never give it another thought.. 10 meaning you are gonna snipe her the next day.
I want an honest.. well thought out answer to that question.
I'll probably be at around a 7 or an 8. I'll want to retaliate...I'll want to get back at her, etc. That will last for about a day or two and then I'll be resigned to my fate.
Last night as I was lying in bed trying to go to sleep I reached a state of incredible calm with her ending our marriage and began to focus on how I could be the best Dad possible under those circumstances. Today, I still want my marriage to work but I'm having to face the reality that she could care less. So, now it's about how to preserve my relationship with my son without doing any further damage to my marriage. The door is open but I'm finished begging/ trying to convince her to walk through it.
Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump
"Re: the mortgage"
Just say yes.
I can't. I can do all of the mortgage or 1/2 the mortgage and 1/2 of our son's expenses. I can't do all of the mortgage and 1/2 of his stuff, too. I'm moving in July so I'm going to have to establish a residence of my own and that will involve some expense on my end.
Originally Posted By: Forrest Gump
"She did say that she is not "ruling out" the "possibility" that I could come stay at the condo "at some time in the future." Again...stringing me along to keep me docile."
Tell her you appreciate the thought. Use your words. You do appreciate that she is "willing to do that for you".. right? Tell her you look forward to that day. If you wanna sugar coat it. My thought is just a simple.. that sounds good honey.
Now.. if you look at the last statement you made in the "" above.
What is she trying to "see"?
I don't think she's trying to see anything. I think she's been keeping me docile so that I would go along with all of her plans with little to no resistance. Now that she has her son with her I fully anticipate that the "conversations" we've been having will end and I fully anticipate divorce paperwork in September. That's why I said I was willing to let things settle for the next 30 days. You say 10 and that's cool with me. My thought is that in 30 days she'll have settled in to her new place and I'll be moved out of our house. I will have made 3 trips up. One this weekend (anniversary) one next weekend (Father's Day) and one over the 4th (Federal Holiday). This is the dynamic we discussed as this thing developed. Now, she is saying it's not "practical" for me to come up every weekend. (She's backing off of this plan...as I see it). I've also got access to a rent free place to stay (my buddy's place will be empty and he's letting me stay there) for the next 2 visits at least. He's offered to let me stay with him anytime I need it but that may change when I'm trying to spend a weekend with my son at his place. We'll see. At least for the next 30 days it's cool so the "practicality" is a moot point. Again, I've told her that as long as I've got a place to call "home" where I am welcome and where we can be together as a family, I'll be OK living substandard where I work. But, I'm not going to live that way if I don't have a place to call "home" where she is. If I don't then I'll live within my means but comfortably where I work and I'll get a small apartment where she is so my son will have a place that is "his" when he comes to see Daddy. Again, September is the beginning of the "off season" where she is and I can rent a furnished place fairly inexpensively from September to May.
I've got a line on some temporary lodging of my own in the DC area. It will leave me uncommitted until September. It's a bit more expensive than a long term lease but it leaves me with some flexibility should she decide to establish a joint marital residence where she is. (not likely but I don't want to shut the door on my ability to flex and support) So,once again September becomes a pivotal month. It's the earliest she can file, it's the end of the seasonal lodging where she is which is a perfect opportunity for us to get a place if her situation is truly "temporary". It's also the beginning of the off-season which is to my advantage financially if I have to establish a solo residence because she won't agree to a joint one.
I see that I have July and August to turn this thing...after that...I think it'll be done.
Next dilemma:
This weekend is our 12th anniversary. I thought I would get a card and nothing more. Just a "thanks for 12 wonderful years" and leave it at that. I had offered dinner, etc but I don't think that's even an option now.
I took my wedding ring off when she lied to me about the condo. You're right..she probably thought I would "freak out" and perhaps take some action to keep our son with me. From my perspective, it's more deception..more lies and just one more indication that she is intent on filing for D as soon as she can.
I'm headed up there on Friday and I'm going to focus on time with my son. If she wants to be part of it, that's great but I'm not asking her to be with us. It'll be awkward but so be it.
Do I put my ring on? Is taking it off telling her I'm done or will it clearly communicate that a threshold has been crossed? Part of me says "put the ring on...act as if everything is OK...normal as normal can be" but there's another part of me that says "keep it off and let her draw her own conclusions. Spend time with your son and don't worry about her, don't try to include her but don't exclude her. Make time with my son the priority."
Wear it. Nothing has changed for me. I'm still a husband.
That's my take on my M to. She can take her's off if she wishes, but I'm still married, still standing at the plate and will still be batting for a while.
H 38 W 34 M 7/98 Bomb 2/19/10 D 7 S 5 Still under same roof
Hang in there. You're only a couple of months behind me so we're in this together!
Read the books and control your emotions.
Take care of yourself, take care of your kids. She's going to do what she's going to do. All you can do is set the conditions for her to want to stay. That's where I've been screwing up the most...I can't keep my emotions (read...pain, hurt, anger) under control. Why would she want to stay around that?
It's hard work, my friend but it's the work we have got to do!!
WQ, I was there. I was a mess doing the Love Dare. I did everything to push her away and couldn't see it. I am so glad I found this book and site. I am so much more at peace then I was 3 weeks ago. My emotions and confidence have cooled and grown in her presences. I have seen a small change in my W, but she is still set on D. Have you read the 5 Love Languages? That was an eyeopener also. I know of a whole other area I have to work on. Is your W still at home?
H 38 W 34 M 7/98 Bomb 2/19/10 D 7 S 5 Still under same roof
The 5 Love Languages changed my outlook on relating to my wife. The other book I recommend is "Getting the Love YOu Want" by Harville Hendrix. Eye opening to say the least!!
"I can't. I can do all of the mortgage or 1/2 the mortgage and 1/2 of our son's expenses. I can't do all of the mortgage and 1/2 of his stuff, too."
Explain that to her. I guess I misunderstood when you said you had already put the money for the mortgage in the bank. If you can't do it.. then don't. She wants you to pay the mortgage to make it more "comfortable" for her. If you have the means to do that then do. If not explain that you both are riding in the same "Money Boat" and this is what you can do. Ask her if she is gonna take care of all your son's expenses. I did not read that she asked for you to pay that too. Again.. if it is a reasonable request.. and you have the means then fine. If not.. just say No. If you do it write it down.
"I don't think she's trying to see anything. I think she's been keeping me docile so that I would go along with all of her plans with little to no resistance."
And to a point I think this is a reasonable request. If she wants to go.. don't fight her on it. Don't create "Drama". At the same time.. don't get walked on. It is a fine line. It's the old saying "I you love someone let it go..". It is her choice to leave. And you can't do much to change that. It's kinda like if you have a job.. and you are really good at it.. but the company is just walking all over you. They make you stay late.. take on more work.. take less pay. Finally when you have had enough you walk in the boss's office and say.. I have had enough.. I quit. And you storm out of the office and slam the door.. and go to get in your car. You know you are gonna linger there for a min.. to see if they come running after you begging you to come back. Just so you can say No again! You really like the job.. and the people you "work" with.. but you just can't take it anymore. Wouldn't it be nice if they said.. Know what honey.. take your time.. think about it.. if you change your mind.. that same crappy job will be waiting on you.
"OK...48 hours and I haven't been able to speak with my son. I don't know where she lives and she's not returning phone calls."
"Lawyer time?"
Before you do that text her this...
Hey.. I know you are busy. I tried calling to speak to "son" and could not get thru. Could you have him call me?
Lemme know what happens.
Just leave it at that.. once you send the message.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
She sent a text this morning. Apparently, he spent last night at his gramdma's house. Don't know why but I suspect my W is out of town for work. I was able to talk to my S this AM and it was great!
I'm really just about done with her. Emotionally, this still hurts but she's going to do what she's going to do and I can't stop her. All I can do at this point is preserve my relationship with my son and protect myself financially.
