Got the DD off to school and the DS over to the neighbors. Todays the hearing and I have to sign the custody agreement me and the WAW hammered out together. I was walking around the house getting my suit ready and everything and I got hit with a WAVE of grief and crying. I KNOW I have to do this if there will EVER be a hope of us reconciling, and I was able to get every other week at my house for the summer, shared holidays , etc. But during the school year it will only be open visitation as much as I want and every other weekend. It just feels so damn FINAL, like signing the custody agreement is somehow a symbol of our R being "officially" OVER.
I dont know why it feels that way, when I know this is what I had to do in order to keep the possibility of reconciliation alive, but it still feels that way.
We'll see each other on Saturday for awhile for a neighbor kids birthday , and at least its a start of being able to spend a few hours in each others company without R talk, I guess its a start and we have another session scheduled for next Tuesday with the counselor. I have to keep reminding myself there have been some small hints that this can be fixed, but facing the idea of an EMPTY house AND the amount of time this is likely to take until my family is restored feels insurmountable.
My brain wont turn off thinking that she's having the time of her life now thats she's "escaped". I know everyone has been telling me that after 14 years the feelings dont just get turned off. And she's already admitted that she's afraid to be around me alone right now because she'll start having feelings again.
I just wish there was some way to know or see that she's just as anguished over this as I am. This is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO frustrating!!!
I KNOW the changes I am capable of and have already started, I KNOW they can be permanent. I KNOW I have tools and awareness now to be CERTAIN things can never be like they were ever again. I just wish she would see it, accept it and give us that chance, just the chance, before quitting.
I keep reminding myself of the little clues that there's something still there and hold onto them, feverishly blowing on the sparks, trying to keep the glow alive. But it feels like Im doing that in the middle of a Hurricane.
I know two weeks from now when DD is done school for the Summer and moves out I will get crushed with another wave, its inevitable.
Its almost even worse then I'll miss my sons first steps, the first time he says Da Da , etc. That CRUSHES me.
God this SUCKS !!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wouldnt wish this kind of pain on Bin Laden. It would be far more merciful to be physically tortured.
