Question

[awest1217]

I am doing a lot with the in-laws for S's sake. He loves his uncles and grandparents so he should get to see them, plus they are at least being nice to me so why not?

I know I can set boundaries, but when it comes to it, I just can't do it. I can't tell him to just leave me alone. I thought about why yesterday and I just keep thinking it is fear, but also some small bits of hope I still have. H hasn't filed, he hasn't moved out of his parents house into an apartment, he hasn't done a lot, but I also know he hasn't made a move to be in our lives fully either. Part of it is fear as well because we have been together since we were both 16. Most of my life I have been with him as friends or dating, etc. It will just be weird to never have him in my life, but at the same time he isn't really in my life now. He pops in when it is convenient. The song "how do I live without you" kept popping in my head last night and I think that is the thing. All my dreams, hopes, everything has always included him in some way, and they still will in bits because of S. He will always be around because of S and how young S is. I can' t just hand S the phone if H calls, or just tell S to answer the door like some of you with older kids do. I have to be cordial and honestly that is who I am, but I don't have to be so buddy buddy with him. However I really am not. We only talk about his work. He never talks about feelings or anything else. I brought up the e-mail yesterday, and he said he cried through it and would reread it because he didn't realize I wanted a response.

Father's day H isn't going to be around so that is one less day with him, and honestly I think yesterday was a one day thing so I just have to get over it. H said he wanted to do his last rehab session this weekend, but S kept saying he wanted to do cake and candles so that is why we are doing dinner for H's birthday. So he said he would go next weekend. Later I remembered it was Father's day and said he needs to make sure he gets home Sunday around 5 so he can see S, but H said he didn't deserve to be celebrated. I didn't disagree, but I did say he is S's father and can't just run from that. I think he is really starting to realize what he has done and missed out on.

Even if there is a hope for us, I don't think we will ever make it because he feels so guilty. He won't let himself get close to us because he doesn't want to hurt us again. Really sad...

Today nothing much to do. S kept me up again because he now gets scared and wants to sleep with mommy so I have to keep calming him down until he goes to sleep. We might do a bike ride or just play outside. It is supposed to rain the next few days and be hot so I am hoping we can enjoy the outside today.