I could be way off base here but my take on your sitch is still that your H is really bothered by your dimness.
Let me ask you this. Do you feel better when you are dim with your H? Being dark/dim is a form of communication with our S. It tells them that ow/om interfering with our M is not acceptable. It is also a form of protection for ourselves. It allows us not to have all that they're doing shoved in our face constantly. By imposing his will on you your H is still cake eating. You're right, he still wants to be in control. He proved that in the counseling session. He didn't want that session to improve communications between you, he wanted a place to let you know how PO he was that you weren't doing things his way. I believe he can't stand the fact that he feels loss of control. He's using the business and divorce as threats. He is not thinking clearly in the fact that if you're not in business together he will still be responsible for supporting you and D.
I believe when we are friendly with them they think that what they are doing is OK with us. That they can have the best of both worlds. What if the shoe was on the other foot? How do you believe your H would act toward you if you were the one carrying on an affair? Do you think he would say, it's OK honey, we can still be friends?
I am not advocating being nasty, mean or vindictive to our S. That gets no one anywhere. I am advocating doing what you feel is best for you. Ask yourself what you can live with because you are the only one with your best interests in mind at this time.
He wants you where he left you, and ow too. If by giving your H what he wants will make YOU feel better, then by all means do it. If you feel it may make you resentful in the long run, don't. This is because if/when your H returns resentment will be one more hurdle you have to get over on your way to healing and a new R and M.
As for myself, when I know what my H is doing it allows the monsters to come out and play in my head. I lose precious living time for me, dealing with that. This is my time and I would rather not spend it thinking about things I have no control over. I'm far more productive doing for me, something I do have control over. I don't know about you, but being dim sure has helped me with loving detachment. When I do see H I am polite, act as if I'm doing fine (really am now for the most part) and try to avoid having much interaction with him. I only want him back if he truly wants us, and for that I feel he needs to miss what we had. Maybe some would view that as a tactic or strategy, for me it is the only thing I can accept.
Mila, I know that the C session was tough on you. The very nature of what our H's are doing is going to deteriorate and destroy our R's with them. Accept that that R is dead and in order to have a new one with your H, it has to be built from the ground up. It will all have to hit bottom before the climbing out can begin. Your changes have to be incorporated into that new R as well.
Give a lot of thought here to doing what is best for you, my friend, and go with it with no regrets.
