Early Parole from the MLC Chain Gang?????

[MHL]

The pain is intense, I fooled myself into thinking I was somehow removed from my feelings, it is still there, the unconditional, undying, totally devoted, I will jump off a cliff for you, LOVE. I LOVE MY WIFE. She has hurt me and our children repeatedly. My friends, my family, my coworkers, the bum on the street ask me why I put up with such disrespect. I don’t know why, I just know that I love my wife of 17 years, she is beautiful, she is the mother of my children, she is all I think about, she is the love of my life.

My wife came over last night to pick up our son who is 9 years old and is going to turn 10 in a couple of weeks. I asked her early that morning if she wanted to have dinner here when she picked him up that night. Our D13, who absolutely hates her mother and will not look at her much less talk to her, was going to be arriving home late from a school field trip. I thought I would fix a nice dinner for my S9 and my W. She is running short on money and I have really gotten good at cooking. Cooking was something I hardly ever did but now I realize what a difference it would have made. My W accepted the dinner invite early that morning with an “Okay”. I must say that I was looking forward to cooking for her all day long; I even left work a little early.

Dinner was fantastic, I had everything ready so that when she hit the door she did not have to do a thing. My S9, my W and I sat on our back patio that I write about every Thursday in my thread. It is my Zen place, my escape, originally built for my W, now my refuge from life. After dinner my S9 went in to play video games while mom and dad enjoyed another glass of wine after dinner.

I needed to talk to my W about a job opportunity that I have but would require extensive travel. IT could triple my salary and give my children and my family the financial stability we have never had. It would require my W to possibly move back into the house. I did not want to ask her anything tonight other than to consider the possibilities. I stated that I was not asking her for an answer but I would need to travel 3 out of 4 weeks a month.

I stated that I was still hopeful for us but I did not want to pressure her and I wanted to know what options we might have for caring for the kids. (I was thinking she would move back in temporarily) My wife asked “what would you do? “ and she also said “she had no hope for us”. I followed up with “so you are going to file for divorce on Aug 26” and she replied, “ Yes.” That is when our neighbor stopped in, actually he and his wife are our best friends. They live right behind us, we vacation together, our kids play together, we have known them for 10 years, they hurt too. He only stayed for 10-15 minutes.

Don’t believe anything they say
Don’t believe anything they say
Don’t believe anything they say
Don’t believe anything they say

It is not working, no how many times I say it to myself. It still hurts.

I did not respond to her answer about divorce. I should not have asked the question, I know. But I did not respond back to her after my neighbor left, I just acted like nothing was ever said. But it hurt like my heart was being cut out with a rusty knife. Sh!t it has been almost a year!!!!! When does the hurt end????

We went back in the house to gather my son’s stuff to go with her back to the house she lives in with 2 other women. She rents a room, it is all she can really afford, no room for my son, no bed for him, he sleeps with her . We were standing in the kitchen and our son was running around to finish getting his stuff. My wife looked at me, just looking at me from across the kitchen. It was the kind of look that you give someone when you want to say something but can’t. I looked back at her and said “What is it?” and she replied, “ What” as if she was not trying to say something. I left it alone and moved closer, our son was still getting his stuff together…..and then we looked at each other again, this time right into each other’s eyes for a long time. I wanted so bad to sweep her off her feet and into my arms and kiss her passionately and tell how much I have missed her and how much I love her. I did not, but we continued to look into each other’s eyes for a long time. I can see her, she is there, my wife, not the alien but I still can’t reach her.

My son had his stuff together and was now with us in the kitchen ready to go, I bent down and hugged him and told him good nite. I stood and they were turning to leave and I couldn’t stand it, I reached for my W’s arm and pulled her gently to me and hugged her, I did not want to let go. I think she wanted it, but it was me that initiated the hug, she knows I still love her. I don’t say it but she knows.

They left, and I went out on the patio and cried.

I could not sleep and wanted to get this out of me. I do feel much better this morning, and I just want today to be a good day.

Today is “Little Friday”, my day of “Life is Good” and I know it is, some days it is harder to see than other days.

I hope everyone has a great day!! Maybe I will see you on the patio tonight……

Cheers