Nothing fits

[dday101798]

I am what I am.

[mishka422]

LOL! Good one Dylan.

Marc is loving having Gabe here....most of the time. Of course, he's back to having two people disciplining him so he's not too jazzed about that.

My mom has not said one word about Gabe, where he's sleeping, what his plans are, etc.. Of course, I haven't either, so you see where I get the avoidance.....

[JCJ]

Life is sounding good Mishka! I'm so pleased and thrilled and excited and... and... yay!

[mishka422]

Thx Julia. I am trying to see focus on the positives but I dwell on the unknown.

Last night was a little rough on me and I felt really bad about it.

It's silly, but it played on all my insecurities.

I had gone to take a shower and thought we could have a nice evening together afterward so I lit a couple of candles, put some music on and took a pretty nightgown into the bathroom with me. Yeah, it's hokey, I know, but it makes me feel good. So, I came out of the bathroom wearing that, Gabe was laying in bed watching Southpark while the candle was burning and the music was playing. It was pretty obvious what was going to happen if he wanted it but he didn't turn off the darned tv and then I knelt on the bed and a horrific pain shot up from my knee which froze in place. I litterally fell over on the bed in pain. Now, that was pretty danged humiliating for me. Here I am, trying to do something semi-romantic and I fall over like an idiot, crying out in pain in this danged nightie and Gabe started laughing....uncontrollably. Belly laughs here people. It added so much to my humiliation that I got upset and started crying. He kept trying to tell me that he couldn't help it because the combination of the setting, the nightgown and the falling over just struck him funny and he couldn't stop. It wasn't that he was laughing AT me, just that the situation was comical. Logically, I know that. Emotionally, it tore me up.

What I was doing last night was totally outside of my comfort zone. I don't feel exactly comfortable wearing something like that. I feel ridiculous but Gabe usually responds to it which then makes me feel good. The laughing made me feel so exposed and that hurt badly. Because I'm not sure what this R is between us I'm not comfortable putting myself out there like that. The idea that one bad move on my part, being pushy or demanding of him, asking too much from him is going to send him running makes everyday a struggle for me to balance.

Needless to say, the mood was killed and I went and put on my regular pj's and blew out the candle. Didn't sleep very well after that either.

Yes, these are my problems, not his. I did tell him that I felt ridiculous and that was why I was upset, not that I was upset with him. He reassured me that he absolutely wasn't laughing at me, just the comedy of the situation. I told him that it would have seemed really funny to me too if I hadn't been feeling so vulnerable at the time.

So......more exposure of how messed up I really am. I don't know what the next step is to take. I feel like I need to sit him down and ask him point blank what he really wants but I know that wouldn't get me the answers I feel I need. He doesn't know what he wants anymore than I do.

Life is just too complicated for me! Can I run away and live on a Kibutz now?????

[kat727]

Maybe right now you should focus on what you need. You can't guess what he wants or doesn't want. Maybe by being more forth coming with your thoughts and feelings it will allow Gabe the strength to do the same. You know I don't have this down pat in any way. I can tell you however, I felt so much better telling K what my thoughts had been and why I reacted that way. I said my peace (without any emotions thrown in).

You guys are going to get there, but you have to start having faith in yourself.

hugs, kat

[MichelleLT]

Oh no! I hope your knee feels okay today! That sucks sweetie!

It sounds like you guys talked about it a little, which is great.

I can definitely understand both perspectives there.

I wonder if there was something in the stars, cuz I pulled out a nightie and was planning something nice too and that didn't work out for me either. That's a bit outside my comfort zone too, guess I'm a bit sensitive to the possibility of rejection after the last few years' drama, so it's not much fun for me cuz I'm so scared.

Luckily today is a new day and life goes on.

Hang in there chica.

[dday101798]

Oh dear sweet mish,

I'm sorry, but I would of been laughing my butt off too.

Hon, you know you have to get some help with your insecurity. Turning the focus solely on Gabe and what he "wants" out of the relationship will not do this.

IT IS, very unfortunate he doesn't seem to offer up re-assurance of his own. (x)W had always been insecure of herself. Then, by way of the infidelity/divorce diet, she got pretty thin, which I actually found un-appealing. However, it seemed to be the liking of OM, and when she started putting the pounds back on, legend has it he didn't like it, picked on her and treated her meanly, pushing her back to me because NEVER ONCE even out of spite or just to say something "cruel" in a fight have I had a problem with, or said anything of her appearance (aside from when she got really skinny and looked like a drug addict, and I believe all said was that she looked like a wreck). She's my meaty momma. Not overwieght, just a "plus sizer" if you will.

Anyway, about 2 months into our new R here, her complex got the better of her one night when I didn't have the desire for sex. Without going into detail she thought it wasn't attractive and that certain area of her were "loose". Suffice it to say, that was when our intimacy/desire level multiplied by a million, and it just keeps getting better. Maybe it's TMI, but instead of thinking "when WAS the last time we've had sex", now it's "when WAS the last time/place we didn't have sex?". Let alone the level of intensity is crazy and we're constantly doing new/different things without even thinking about it.

I also wanted to post this in my thread this morning, but thought it was also too much, but I think it fits here just to give you an example of how much it helps things. This morning, as always, (x)W texted me to let me know she got to work ok. I replied back to have a great day, blah blah blah. Suffice it to say, all morning long I had been thinking of when I got out of bed, (x)W rolled with her backside facing the doorway, and well, after a "long night" bottomless. Inbetween each cup of coffee I went back to the doorway just to admire the innocent beauty of this. Well, I ended up sending another message confessing this and wishing I had the day off.

The reply? We'll just say it's going to be another busy night. Point is, this is something we've never really done and really played a part in the breakdown of the M. I had always been bashful, go firgure I can crack dirty jokes all day, but couldn't tell my wife how much I couldn't stop looking at her "sweet a- - " and that is EXACTLY what she want to hear.

Alright, I rambled off, but the point is, I REALLY think you need to achieve this someway, somehow with Gabe, quickly. Otherwise, when the "honeymoon" ends here, and trust me, it will, I fear what's going to happen.

[mishka422]

Thanks guys. I knew you would understand where I was coming from. It's totally nothing to do with anything done wrong, just a shining moment in my calamity jane life!

Insecurity is very hard to overcome when the person you used to rely on to give you a boost is now the very person that tore your tentative grasp on it to shreds. His previous rejection surfaces in my mind every other minute of the day. It's not his problem to deal with, I need to find a way around it but, again, not really knowing where we are headed isn't helping. I feel like this is just a convenient situation for him, nothing more. I look at his actions and attitude and it seems like he wants this to be a real R, but the words to solidify that are just not there and I'm not comfortable saying them outloud to him out of fear of him rejecting them or just parroting what I say.

Ugh....can I please get to that Kibbutz now? How about a convent? Nice and peace and quiet with no worries about how someone is going to perceive me - we all know how attractive those habits are!!! LOL

[dday101798]

How about a convent?

Hmmm, I forget how many times I said during the worst of my haydays that I'd become a monk, make & drink wine all day and sing kumbaya.

[MichelleLT]

I look at his actions and attitude and it seems like he wants this to be a real R, but the words to solidify that are just not there and I'm not comfortable saying them outloud to him out of fear of him rejecting them or just parroting what I say.

Actions speak louder than words my dear.