The journey begins

[ImprovedRomeo]

Good points there both CTH and wii. The kids thing *is* hard. A couple of days ago DD asked me (she's little, doesn't know what's happening and asks me when mommy will live with us again) "daddy, we have a mommy and daddy's day at school will you please come with mommy? maybe you can bring mommy in your car or maybe mommy can pick you up from your work...". Just tears me apart when I see her wanting us to be together again and if I mention it to STBXW she'll shrug is aside like there's nothing more to it than words.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. Whenever STBXW and I are together at all D7 comes running up and asking for a family hug. She's still hoping to pull some "parent trap" moment on us.

You can't really read them -- just as when I look back on my parents divorce I don't think I ever told my mom or dad anything about what was going on inside of me.

D7 had an interesting blowup on Monday. I wouldn't buy her a small toy at Burger King and so she started to throw a fit. She refused to eat the food she said she wanted so she threw it away -- and then got madder when I refused to buy her more food.

Anyway, fast forward to driving her from Burger King to school. She was yelling and at one point said "you are a stupid head and that's why mmommy doesn't like you and you are getting divorced."

Now, reading it on the screen it sounds sad or mean. But having gone through hundreds of D7 blowups it actually was funny.

Still, it shows the pain is just below the surface.

Nothing much to report today. No call from Realtor. No emails from STBXW. I responded to a couple she sent yesterday -- including my proposal on what summer camps I'll pay for.

Good development on the weekend front. The running race company could use us this weekend. This will make up for the one we didn't do two weeks ago.

Thing is there's a barbecue I really want to go to on Saturday. It starts at 4 p.m. I sent the organizer a message on Facebook asking if the party is still going strong at 7 p.m. or 8 p.m. because if I work the race that's when I'll likely get there.

One down note. No response from the 31-year-old I'd like to get better. We'd exchanged emails for the past week. She's supposed to be at the barbecue on Saturday.

[ImprovedRomeo]

CTH, hope the weather's OK where you are?

Sorry about D7's blowup...it's hard on them too and I'm glad you can recognize it and manage the situation like a good dad.

Good to hear about the races and I'm sure the party will be going strong until much later in the evening. Even if it isn't just show up, socialize and enjoy some food.

It's OK CTH, for one thing she might not have gotten your email but if she did do you really want someone who doesn't even respond to let you know she's no longer interested? Don't feel down...there's plenty of fish in the sea (so they tell me :D)

[ClingingToHope]

Another up-and-down day. Really rolling at work this week. Getting lots of stuff done. Hitting the final stretch of a project I've been working on for about a year.

Part of the reason I'm motivated is that I'm on vacation next week -- so I HAVE to get a bunch of stuff done.

Still, it was nice to feel some fire again.

A couple of things knocked me back for a moment.

The Realtor texted me -- she must have gotten the message that I do not want to actually see or talk to her. She's leaving papers for me to sign at front desk.

I'll do that today. It's going to hurt like hell going over there and seeing the "For Sale" sign up. Just another symbol of the ending of the M. I put a lot into that house.

I'm very conflicted on the house. The property is great. It's the only home the girls have ever known. There's a creek running through the back. It's on a double lot. It is just beautiful in the summertime. STBXW and I spent 12 of our 13 years together there and were together in every room.

So I hate the fact the girls will have to leave. But there's no way I want STBXW to stay in it and someday have another man there.

It also isn't going to sell at the price it's being listed. It'll have to be a short sale and the company that has our mortgage (GMAC) is notoriously difficult to work with.

So this is going to hang around STBXW's neck for a while -- which I like. She'll feel the consequences. But it also keeps me financially linked to her for longer -- which I don't like.

See. I'm a mess when it comes to the house.

I picked up the girls after work for my Wednesday night. I was hoping to sneak out without seeing STBXW but it didn't work that way. I still am not able to act natural or "as if" around her. I'm sure the girls notice. They notice everything and I need to improve. I still have anger issues. I hope it fades when the actual divorce is done.

After getting the girls, we packed in a trip for ice cream, swimming and a walk to the park in to see a water-skiing company.

If this is my life. It's a pretty good one. One that will keep getting better, even it will be more difficult.

Final note. The 31-year-old I'd like to get to know better responded to my email after a one day delay. It was longer, jokier and she asked questions back.

I waited until tonight to respond. I don't want to seem too eager -- plus I'm not to the point where I've sorted through all the STBXW issues. I guess I'm trying to build a friendship first and then -- once the D is done -- see if there's something more.

I felt like a high school kid writing a note in class though. It was a good feeling.

[smith18]

The house sounds like a financial anchor and I can understand you going through some phases of anger now. Your STBXW has really thrown a monkey wrench into your daughters and your life.

But I see optimism that you know that your life will move on and you will make it better.

Just make sure you have closure on your M and emotions before letting a relationship build too much through friendship. A 31 year old woman is in her sexual prime and may be wanting things to heat up a bit quicker than you are really ready for. Some passion too early can cause for some serious judgement errors.

[ClingingToHope]

Didn't make it over to sign the papers on the house. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. Instead ... I went golfing.

I played at a country club where we have our local Pro-Am. A co-worker got us a free round. The last time I played there was in 2003 when I got to play in the actual Pro-Am with Ben Crenshaw.

He was the headliner and we had a crowd of 200 following us and ... I choked. I didn't break 110. Not a single par. I hit about six shots I'm proud of. I was too nervous.

Today, I shot a 95 and parred four holes. Much better. I feel like I exercised some demons. Of course, the only ones watching were my playing partners.

Back to 2003. Do you know who wasn't in the crowd of 200 following me? STBXW. She was too busy with work to take the day off. I don't think it bothered me then ... but the significant others of my playing partners were all there.

Looking back ... that was typical of our relationship.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Glad to hear you got the response back from the girl. Kerry's right though...tell you what though you can fwd her my email address- I'll just have to deal with the consequences of the her being in her sexual prime problem. It's the least I can do for a friend

[ClingingToHope]

Another weird day -- that will be followed by a long, weird weekend.

I went to a Plasma center today and gave a donation for $40. It's not that bad. I think I'll go on weeks I don't have the girls and can work late to make up the time.

Then I went on a tour of the city with the new top executive of my company. He's moving here from Arizona and I was handpicked to take him around with two other.

In between those though I stopped by the Realtor to sign the papers to put the house on the market. I'm guessing a sign might be in the yard by now.

That's another zinger that will hurt the first time I see it. I've written enough about my conflicted feelings. I just have to focus on myself and my goals to save, save, save, save so when this process is done I can move on to bigger and better things.

Dragging my feet at work right now. I will probably head out for a bit tonight. Not too late though. I have softball tomorrow, then the cookout, then I have to go to leave here at midnight to drive to Skokie to work an all-day half marathon.

I'll probably get back at 6 p.m. or so Sunday -- play another softball game and then crash since I have the girls starting Monday for seven straight days.

I'm definitely pushing it this weekend.

[Gardener]

CTH,

I'm guessing a sign might be in the yard by now.
That's another zinger that will hurt the first time I see it.

I hear you. For me it was a zinger that hurt at first, then a sign and promiise of hope and moving on. Now - eight months and some 40+ showings later - a sign of frustration!

I still can't wait to sell it and get out, though.

You'll do fine. The house will come to represent different things to you than it does now.

[ImprovedRomeo]

x2 on what Gardener said...don't sweat it. If you let your heart control your mind and dwell over it then it'll hurt, tell your mind to stop listening to your heart. I know, easier said than done but it can be done.

Here's what helps me...I picture myself 10 years from now where will I be, where would I want to be. Then I picture myself shedding dead weight of all the material things (too much clutter really) and living a simpler life. When I get to that point I feel OK.