success stories? saved marriages?

[Kimmie Lee]

Well, then.....I suppose that the name of this website should be called:
"It Depends On How You Define Success."

Or:
"It depends On What You Mean By "Saved."

Or:
"How To GAL"

[lostnhurt]

Wow, I learn more every time I read this board. Nice story Greek. I think where you were at (when filed and moved out) is where my W is right now. And it sounds like I need to do what Coach did. As many have already said ....

I am slowly coming around to think more about ME and what I need to do, as hard as it is. And I know I have harder days coming, W has not even moved out yet, will probably be beginning of next month. Thats gonna hit me hard. Im worried about my girls and how much I will miss them. My W does not seem to concerned about that tho, which I can't understand. She been a SAHM since they were born and Ive been working from home since they were born and used to being around them all day.

[newmama]

Kimmie- you are right-most of the marriages won't succeed on this site- we are all here because our spouses want to leave us and divorce us! So the odds are against us to start with! But I keep seeing so many people who expect quick turn arounds, who keep doing what doesn't work despite what they are told(ummm I am/was guilty too)and who sabotage their efforts by giving into anger and desperation.

I think this site should be called BustingFearofDivorce!

and I really can't wait to hear back from Greek about how Coach acted during the 3 months she left to get her back so quick!

[Kimmie Lee]

Excellent points, newmama.

I think what gets me is that it plainly states on the huge banner on the homepage of this site that "It is never too late to save your marriage."

So, it's not surprising to see how confused posters can become when they are told by some of their fellow posters that Divorcebusting is more about "GAL" than "SAVING."

Really? Since when?

"saving" marriages.....hmmm.....let me go back to the page just to make sure........

Yep, I knew I read that correctly.

[Heartbrknga]

For me it is about saving my marriage, but I or we have to come out on the other side as a happy couple. I want my wife back, I do not want that life back. I am gaining to much respect for myself to go back there. If I can have a new life with my wife, then that is what i want. If the only way I can have my wife is to go back to the old life I had, then I will have to move on. Doesn't mean I don't love her and will not have a long road to recover from, but I've been unhappy for long enough.

[dday101798]

He began "handling" things. I observed him dealing with the kids w/o my help or intercession. He dealt with the house by himself b/c I wasn't there to do it. He moved furniture, planted flowers - he had a life - without me - and he was handling it. Who knew?! At first I was p!ssed. "Why NOW?

Ditto here as the original LBS. Even tho I did do A LOT through out the course of the M, (x)W being a WAS chose a OP who was the EXACT opposite, someone who didn't do a damn thing. And yet, as I grew as a person for me, I did more and more. I ran a 3 story house and kept it clean as a whistle, by my self. I prepared all meals for myself, the kids and others, by myself. I became highly assertive to (x)W (ie - you want to be with OM?, fine, get the eff out of my house), I stopped rolling over to her, no more "yes dear". I fought her tooth and nail through out the course of our D until the very end when I fell over the dagger for the sake of no longer hurting our kids. I became the father I hadn't been for years. I stopped the whoa me approach at life. I got the help of a psychiatrist after 30+ years of torment from my "parents" after years of (x)W begging me to do so.

I succeeded. I saved myself. I forgave her and her shortcomings in light of my own.

And here, today, the day after the 1 anniversary of my divorce, I'm still standing. But not alone. And I haven't been alone for over 7 months, in the wonderful company of the woman will always be my wife in my heart. Our love for each other is greater than ever. Our lives may be flipped upside down as result of the D, but we have each other. We respect each other. And we know now to just lay it on the table when a problem arises. We communicate everything openly without fear of rejection or ridicule.

Are we perfect? No, what couple is? But by god, we're doing this, we're going to make it.

[konfuseeed]

He began "handling" things. I observed him dealing with the kids w/o my help or intercession. He dealt with the house by himself b/c I wasn't there to do it. He moved furniture, planted flowers - he had a life - without me - and he was handling it. Who knew?! At first I was p!ssed. "Why NOW?

Ditto here as the original LBS. Even tho I did do A LOT through out the course of the M, (x)W being a WAS chose a OP who was the EXACT opposite, someone who didn't do a damn thing. And yet, as I grew as a person for me, I did more and more. I ran a 3 story house and kept it clean as a whistle, by my self. I prepared all meals for myself, the kids and others, by myself. I became highly assertive to (x)W (ie - you want to be with OM?, fine, get the eff out of my house), I stopped rolling over to her, no more "yes dear". I fought her tooth and nail through out the course of our D until the very end when I fell over the dagger for the sake of no longer hurting our kids. I became the father I hadn't been for years. I stopped the whoa me approach at life. I got the help of a psychiatrist after 30+ years of torment from my "parents" after years of (x)W begging me to do so.

I succeeded. I saved myself. I forgave her and her shortcomings in light of my own.

And here, today, the day after the 1 anniversary of my divorce, I'm still standing. But not alone. And I haven't been alone for over 7 months, in the wonderful company of the woman will always be my wife in my heart. Our love for each other is greater than ever. Our lives may be flipped upside down as result of the D, but we have each other. We respect each other. And we know now to just lay it on the table when a problem arises. We communicate everything openly without fear of rejection or ridicule.

Are we perfect? No, what couple is? But by god, we're doing this, we're going to make it.

Awesome.


And I just noticed you are also from Chicago.


Go Blackhawks, eh?

[dday101798]

And I just noticed you are also from Chicago.


Go Blackhawks, eh?

Yeah, I just posted in my thread the experience of the night where I and the whole bar and grill almost killed (x)W. Just as she ordered her food, Philly tied the game up at 3. Kid you not, at the very second she ordered..........

A philly cheesesteak

I told her and the watress, "hell no, you're getting stuffed shrimp!"

And she didn't say a word.

[Greek]

Coach became the better choice between a life as a single mother or a happily wedded wife when I began to observe strong changes in him. He began "handling" things. I observed him dealing with the kids w/o my help or intercession. He dealt with the house by himself b/c I wasn't there to do it. He moved furniture, planted flowers - he had a life - without me - and he was handling it. Who knew?! At first I was p!ssed. "Why NOW? Why not for the last 19 years!" But then when I had to see him, and he looked sooo good, and smelled so wonderful, and made eye contact, and really listened to me...the walls began to crumble a little, enough, for me to begin to believe again that maybe...just maybe. And the rest is history being written.Greek

This is the type of info WE need you to elaborate on.....Give us details on your POV of OLD COACH/NEW COACH.

Let me gather some thoughts on this so I can give a clear answer, and one that is respectful of Coach, as well.
Cheers ~
Greek

Big rock - Coach stopped needing me for his sake and wanting me b/c of who I am. At one point I told him (probably at max volume) that when God was imagining me, he probably wasn't thinking "Hey, let me make this great wife for Coach!" He created me to be me - not someone's wife. Coach understood that eventually and began to see me differently, more authentically. This was a big deal to me.

Another big rock - Coach started taking care of himself inside and out for his own sake, b/c it was good for him. He had "snakes" (those of you who have read Coach's threads know about his 'snakes on the brain'). The thing about our personal snakes is that they actually impact those closest to us, as well. I was being...bitten by his snakes. When he began to deal with those issues, it felt emotionally safer to be with him.

Another big rock - Coach began insisting on better behavior from me and he lead on this. As an example, I never knew I was mind reading but I did it a lot. Well, he began calling me out on it. Once I realized what I was doing and the damage it causes, I stopped. And I felt a lot of respect for him holding his hand up to me and telling me what's what.

The little rocks - well, those would be the events, conversations, knock down drag outs, mistakes, make ups and make outs, dinners, lunches, word choices, looks - that put all of the big rocks in place. I won't share the jagged little rocks out of respect for both Coach and myself. But I will share one story that I think puts it all into perspective - at least for me. In former times, it would not be unusual for Coach to overlook introducing me at his business functions and events. I had been patient with that, trying to be a good sport but yeah, after nearly two decades of feeling overlooked, it was a problem. I believed it was a demonstration of how invisible I was to him. When I left him, it was one of the many things on my list of "why I'm done". He heard me and this is how he showed me. While we were separated, I had to attend a parent meeting for our son's high school lacrosse team, and Coach was running the meeting (he was the head coach of the team). In his opening remarks to the parents, he introduced his coaching staff and then...he pointed me out in the room as the reason he is such an excellent coach, b/c he had been mentored by the best teacher he's ever known - and he didn't say "my wife" but used my name. I don't know if my heart grew at that moment or melted or what...but I knew I had been SEEN by him. It was a golden moment.

Getting back together was SCARY, y'all! But I believed I had seen enough change - in both of us - that it was worth really trying one more time. Neither one of us wanted that old, sorry marriage we'd had. We both were committed to something different and better. That's what we work on everyday. It ain't for wimps

Hope this helps someone...anyone.

Greek

[Coach]

So, it's not surprising to see how confused posters can become when they are told by some of their fellow posters that Divorcebusting is more about "GAL" than "SAVING."

Really? Since when?

The techniques here on DB are not unique to MWD. The ideas here are from psychology, philosophy, religion, co-dependent/Al-Anon, military, business, sports, coaching and self-help literature. I know because I have a whole wing of books on self-improvement, it's one reason why DB clicked with me. So the GAL, goals, 180s, act as if, detach all made sense to me.

What I learned here was how to really listen and be aware (still learning), set boundaries (both ways - hers and mine), love her the way she feels loved (true giving), and not worry about how she felt (avoiding her hearing bad or upsetting news from me).

I learned how to be a "Cat Whisperer." Men are dogs, easy to figure out - play, hunt, eat, sleep and pet with me. Cats are harder to figure especially if you treat them like a dog and expect them to react like a dog. Call the cat for a walk, what does it do? Ever pet the cat and been bitten? The cat will come to you for all it wants. How do you make that happen? You treat the cat like a cat, give the cat what she wants, let the cat come to you (don't chase cats), learn how to talk to the cat, learn what the cat is really saying (meow hungry, meow pet me or meow I want to go out? ).

This is from the Dog Whisperer show:
ladies this will work for you, guys substitute cat for dog.

We tend to forget that human beings created dog breeds. From the first wolves and “proto-dogs,” humans selected certain dogs for special traits and physical features and manipulated their genetics so they would fulfill specific needs that we had. In my opinion, most dogs, even mixed breeds, still have that genetic disposition, that “cultural background” that gives them skills that allow them to accomplish things that actually go beyond just being an “average” dog.

For a beagle like “Snoopy the Sniffer,” it’s in his DNA to know when he smells something; he must track it down, and then howl. When the dog in him doesn’t have enough activity to be fulfilled, the breed in him takes over. In a beagle, that frustration comes out in an excessive amount of howling and sniffing.

It’s important to remember that all dogs are “animal” first, “dog” second, and “breed” third. Even though the breed in them has certain needs and tendencies, if you fulfill the animal and dog first, through exercise, then discipline, and then affection, you can avoid a frustrated dog’s genetic tendencies from going over the top and driving you crazy.

Snoopy needs what Snoopy needs, you can't change that, it is who Snoopy is. Do you love Snoopy enough to help him be fufilled?

We are human first (Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs), Male/Female second (His Needs/Her Needs) and breed third (our authentic self).
Learn who you are (know thyself- save yourself), learn who your spouse is and how you can support them to be fufilled. Learn how to articulate your specific "breed" needs to your spouse. Embrace the differences (IMO alot of people are afraid of the differences, fear it will cause you to grow apart), do what works and keep growing.

Cheers

ps Ladies even though we "know" not to chase cats it's in our DNA. In the immortal words of George Clinton, "Why must I be like that, why must I chase the cat? Nothing but the dog in me. Bow-wow-wow, yippe-oh yippe yeah."

I love being a dog.

Double Cheers