Need help Busting Affair.

[elvencat]

elvencat, time to stop communicating with OW! If you are concerned with your rep, post something that shows you are taking the high road on your wall and then go NC with facebook! or at least stop looking at H's page!

Agree. It's doing nothing for me but making me feel juvenile and petty. And I hate that feeling. I won't get off Facebook because I've just reconnected with a surprising number of people who are now forming a support network around me. THAT feels good. I'll just ignore the petty posts of OW.

OK here is something to think about--right now, your H sees you fighting for him (competing with OW) and clinging to the marriage.

When you moved out for one night awhile back, didn't he find a way to get you back into the house and share a bed with him and you were "intimate" even? He didn't want you to leave, elevencat!

Have there been other times since when you "walked away" or showed signs of being strong and rejecting him when he pulled you back in?

I just moved out again for two nights and I was the one, at the advice of Allen A and Puppy, who returned to the home. I told H that I couldn't spend another night at the rental because:
a. it really isn't live-in ready
b. I'm not the one who wants to destroy marriage and family
c. since DD is staying at home, she needs at least one parent there more than half the time who she can rely on to not stay out all hours of the night at another woman's house.

I did realize at one point H would always find a reason to pull me back when he felt I was pulling away. He'd always try to find some reason to talk to me, in person or on phone, or get me to do something with him. I keep forgetting to watch for this and use it to my advantage.

Ok I will let you answer the question but here is what I am thinking- you do a 180 of your current approach. You don't have to file for D but you do prepare like you would be divorced (visitation schedule, division of finances, division of property). I think I just told someone else to do this. Anyway, you just have that info ready to go. Then the next time he brings it up, you surprise him by being ready.

I think this is something I like. I don't know if I want to work on this by myself, though. I may ask the lawyer I plan to contact for a free consult for some advice on this. I think I can come up with something generic on my own, but will it be as effective as one that is very detailed, do you think?

I don't know what your next step is- he is in the basement and you are moving out?

BTW I wish my WH would have tried to get me back into bed with him when he started with OW but he was rejecting me instead! So you have that example of how your H still desires you (and loves you--do not listen to his BS for a second) and doesn't want to lose you!!!

Thank you for that reminder that he sought me out physically. I just chalked it up to him knowing he could get away with it, but you are right. He does still desire me, or that wouldn't have happened. Right now we are sleeping separately. Nothing is set in stone about who is sleeping in basement with DD right now because if he's gone, I'm down there with her and in bed asleep before he gets home. Tonight, for example he is sleeping with her because I wasn't ready for bed yet, but he was and DD needed to get to sleep, so he put her to bed. Whoever isn't in the basement is on the couch in the main part of the house where MIL and Step-FIL live. I'm so glad they think I have a right to be here and aren't trying to push me out the door.