elvencat, time to stop communicating with OW! If you are concerned with your rep, post something that shows you are taking the high road on your wall and then go NC with facebook! or at least stop looking at H's page!
OK here is something to think about--right now, your H sees you fighting for him (competing with OW) and clinging to the marriage.
When you moved out for one night awhile back, didn't he find a way to get you back into the house and share a bed with him and you were "intimate" even? He didn't want you to leave, elevencat!
Have there been other times since when you "walked away" or showed signs of being strong and rejecting him when he pulled you back in?
Ok I will let you answer the question but here is what I am thinking- you do a 180 of your current approach. You don't have to file for D but you do prepare like you would be divorced (visitation schedule, division of finances, division of property). I think I just told someone else to do this. Anyway, you just have that info ready to go. Then the next time he brings it up, you surprise him by being ready.
I don't know what your next step is- he is in the basement and you are moving out?
BTW I wish my WH would have tried to get me back into bed with him when he started with OW but he was rejecting me instead! So you have that example of how your H still desires you (and loves you--do not listen to his BS for a second) and doesn't want to lose you!!!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Your husband is afraid of divorce and wants YOU to cut the cord FOR HIM so HE can say YOU divorced HIM and play VICTIM to everyone... got it?
Your Husband is PLAYING YOU my dear...
This was the first thing I thought when I got first bomb last fall. I've always thought he'd rather have people think I was the one leaving him when it's nothing of the sort.
As for the Facebook log, yes my posts have been juvenile and I'm afraid I was acting through emotion, not proper thought. I do think a little good has come out of it though, because this evening I have spoken with more of my friends and family than I have in a very long time. It made me feel good to realize just how many people I have behind me at this very moment. I'm beginning to see that I can be determined in saving my marriage and yet realize that if the worst happens, I'll still be ok.
Also - this was a huge shock to me - but I think I may be able to become friends with OW's sister as a result of all this. It's too early to trust this as I can't quite trust that she isn't trying to get "into my camp" so to speak, but because I called out OW's name directly on my FB post, she wrote an angry message to me, which she followed up an hour later with an apology and an explanation that it was a knee-jerk reaction in trying to defend her sister. She actually told me she at first, early in H and OW's A, she fought with them all the time about what they were doing. She finally decided to keep her mouth shut so she wouldn't lose the support of her sister and H (as one of her good friends).
Now she tells me that since I was open enough to give her my side of the story, she hates feeling they are morally wrong, but feeling she can't do anything about it without it costing her too much. Then she made the comment she was going to change her FB password to make sure noone (read OW or their Mom) would "accidentally" find her messages to and from me.
What should I do about this unexpected response? Any ideas?
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
Why isn't his IC reccomending him to family therapist?
What kind of IC gives a patient a mediation reference before reccomending family therapy?
God I hate personal therapists.. they are all idiots.
I have said this about his IC all along, but of course he loves her. Ugh.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
What you need EC is a script...
Put a good solid script of statements together, you only need half a dozen...
memorize them... ever done any theatre in high school?
Memorize the statements, put them on an index card and keep them in your pocket...when HE pushes a convo... YOU don't.. HE does.. You slip your hand in your pocket hold onto the card and recite the line that you need.. its not that hard really...
Love this. I did a lot of theatre in high school and college. And this would be a good approach for me. Actually, I have taken some of the statements you've listed and used them today and they helped me get through some hard conversations. I'll see if I can do this before the next time I might have to use it.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
elvencat, time to stop communicating with OW! If you are concerned with your rep, post something that shows you are taking the high road on your wall and then go NC with facebook! or at least stop looking at H's page!
Agree. It's doing nothing for me but making me feel juvenile and petty. And I hate that feeling. I won't get off Facebook because I've just reconnected with a surprising number of people who are now forming a support network around me. THAT feels good. I'll just ignore the petty posts of OW.
Originally Posted By: newmama
OK here is something to think about--right now, your H sees you fighting for him (competing with OW) and clinging to the marriage.
When you moved out for one night awhile back, didn't he find a way to get you back into the house and share a bed with him and you were "intimate" even? He didn't want you to leave, elevencat!
Have there been other times since when you "walked away" or showed signs of being strong and rejecting him when he pulled you back in?
I just moved out again for two nights and I was the one, at the advice of Allen A and Puppy, who returned to the home. I told H that I couldn't spend another night at the rental because: a. it really isn't live-in ready b. I'm not the one who wants to destroy marriage and family c. since DD is staying at home, she needs at least one parent there more than half the time who she can rely on to not stay out all hours of the night at another woman's house.
I did realize at one point H would always find a reason to pull me back when he felt I was pulling away. He'd always try to find some reason to talk to me, in person or on phone, or get me to do something with him. I keep forgetting to watch for this and use it to my advantage.
Originally Posted By: newmama
Ok I will let you answer the question but here is what I am thinking- you do a 180 of your current approach. You don't have to file for D but you do prepare like you would be divorced (visitation schedule, division of finances, division of property). I think I just told someone else to do this. Anyway, you just have that info ready to go. Then the next time he brings it up, you surprise him by being ready.
I think this is something I like. I don't know if I want to work on this by myself, though. I may ask the lawyer I plan to contact for a free consult for some advice on this. I think I can come up with something generic on my own, but will it be as effective as one that is very detailed, do you think?
Originally Posted By: newmama
I don't know what your next step is- he is in the basement and you are moving out?
BTW I wish my WH would have tried to get me back into bed with him when he started with OW but he was rejecting me instead! So you have that example of how your H still desires you (and loves you--do not listen to his BS for a second) and doesn't want to lose you!!!
Thank you for that reminder that he sought me out physically. I just chalked it up to him knowing he could get away with it, but you are right. He does still desire me, or that wouldn't have happened. Right now we are sleeping separately. Nothing is set in stone about who is sleeping in basement with DD right now because if he's gone, I'm down there with her and in bed asleep before he gets home. Tonight, for example he is sleeping with her because I wasn't ready for bed yet, but he was and DD needed to get to sleep, so he put her to bed. Whoever isn't in the basement is on the couch in the main part of the house where MIL and Step-FIL live. I'm so glad they think I have a right to be here and aren't trying to push me out the door.
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
I think I can come up with something generic on my own, but will it be as effective as one that is very detailed, do you think?
Well how soon will you be meeting with the L? Could you take notes from your discussion with the L, turn those notes into "drafts/proposals" (ask your L if this is ok) and then type them up ready to go?
If he is just throwing around D talk, imagine how he would react if you calmly walk into the other room, come back with your papers (have a copy for HIM too- BAM! make sure you have typed DRAFT at the top of each page) and say "these are some drafts of what I was thinking we could do regarding visitation, finances, etc. Of course there will be more things that need to be flushed out in detail, but this is a start. Look them over and tell me what you think." My wording may not be the best, but it is just an idea of what you could say.
In my case, WH and I want to avoid lawyers and we did a lot of the preparation and footwork last year using the county's courthouse website. So we have a parenting plan and child support plan based on the info from the resources from that site. I put together a revised draft for April (because he told me again in March that he wanted to D) and then when he brought it up again in April, I had the papers ready. He was SHOCKED! And I am still waiting to hear or see any divorce action from him!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
And I am still waiting to hear or see any divorce action from him!
I know this will probably happen with H. I don't think he has any idea what this will entail. See, he has been married once before when he was really young. His first wife was older than him and he had six months of ok marriage followed by six months of hardly any talking or physical contact (from his viewpoint anyway.. I know how much to believe of that without her viewpoint) and he got a statement from his ex that "she just didn't feel like being married and wanted a divorce." So, he's been on the receiving end, and yet he's doing this now. Ugh. Anyway, she is the one that filed and it took her two years (!) to get the paperwork done, and all that while she acted like she was single and he did, too, after seeing her actions. They had very little property and no children, so it was an "easy" file. This will not be an easy file if it happens.
I think this is another reason he wants me to file. He's never been good at the paperwork and I'm the one who's usually done it if it needed to get done.
Now that I'm making that statement, I wonder if maybe my stance on him doing all the paperwork and me approving or denying it maybe isn't the better approach after all. I just had a discussion with MIL about how I felt H should have to work for what he wants. He's trying to get out of this without working on anything.
I feel he has to work for SOMETHING, whether that be keeping his family together or getting the divorce he wants. He can't just expect this to all go away without him working on it at all. I think he's pretending to be the martyr right now. So, if I show up with the papers, that actually may not shock him, but may just make him feel justified... IDK...... what do you think now that you have this part of the background?
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
I think you should just do a separation agreement draft, NOT divorce papers, that's contradicting your position.
But I would keep on the affair, don't just sit there and let them run around... expose it and get your face out there... They must have a restaurant or something...
EC you are doing a pretty darn good job, I just think you need more confidence here, you're hurt and scared and frustrated I get that, but its NOT HELPING you to act on it...
This is the time to be an adult, a parent, a partner in marriage... not the time to get scared and back down or worry...
your husband is not filing or pursuing divorce.. He's just "cake-eating"... an expression we use here on this forum to illustrate marital exploitation.. that is.. he wants to "date" and to be "married" at the same time... and you are allowing it
Exposure and getting closer to friends and family, educating them is how you get that dealt with...
How is your exposure group doing? So they know your husband is cheating on you, but they aren't saying anything to him? No one is contacting him and giving him a piece of their mind and telling him to knock it off?
What is the response of your exposure to your exposure group so far?
EC you are doing a pretty darn good job, I just think you need more confidence here, you're hurt and scared and frustrated I get that, but its NOT HELPING you to act on it...
One of the things in my own life that I've always struggled with is having confidence in my own abilities. When something needs to get done, I jump in and do it and then question my ability to finish it. I need to learn how to not need the validation of others for my self-esteem. I do feel, though, that, with the help of everyone here, I'm starting to come out of my own "fog" and get a grip on my own life.
Originally Posted By: Allen A
This is the time to be an adult, a parent, a partner in marriage... not the time to get scared and back down or worry...
your husband is not filing or pursuing divorce.. He's just "cake-eating"... an expression we use here on this forum to illustrate marital exploitation.. that is.. he wants to "date" and to be "married" at the same time... and you are allowing it
Exposure and getting closer to friends and family, educating them is how you get that dealt with...
How is your exposure group doing? So they know your husband is cheating on you, but they aren't saying anything to him? No one is contacting him and giving him a piece of their mind and telling him to knock it off?
What is the response of your exposure to your exposure group so far?
Ok, so on the exposure group. They all now know what's up. Right now they are mostly responding to me directly, or posting on my wall on Facebook. The people who talk to me in person are the ones who are the closest to the situation and they still aren't comfortable yet with direct confrontation. I'm working on them, but it's going slow, and they are each so afraid of upsetting H even though he's not the one they should be worrying about. H was definitely angry about the public comments from my friends, and I can see that they were making him feel embarrassed and maybe a little bit guilty.
I've been thinking about something... I know that right now I should be treating H like an addict with a dangerous drug. I'm going to explore how to create a sort of intervention. I don't know if that is even a feasable idea at this point, but maybe if everyone close to the situation were all together, and created a united front, then they wouldn't feel so alone in trying to confront H.
Has anything like this been talked about on the forum?
Me 32, H 34, DD 3 M 6, T 8 Bomb 03/10 OW Bomb 6/5/10 Separate & NC 6/28/10 My 2nd EA Thread
YES, there is actually a TV show for addicts CALLED intervention.. its great research material... watch a few being done, watch how resistant the addict is... watch how manipulative and angry the addict gets too.. its scary!
Do it, but plan it out well...
If you can see the emotional impact your exposure is having on him, do MORE... he is doing to be fighting that and trying to hide it, he will try to hide his guilt with ANGER...
Don't talk to him or try to make him feel bettr.. he will be playing victim big time here... just let him WHIMPER in his own MESS... OKAY?
There is a tendency by newcomers to infidelity here to empathize and sympathize and let the addict off the hook.. its a TRICK.. don't fall for it.. stay emotionally detached.. think Mr Spock here.. poker face.. that vulcan can intimidate anyone into maturity...
Watch this at the library or something.. somewehre that your H isn't around.
If you can get your exposure group together to watch it that's even BETTER.. this vid is by Michele Davis and is targeted for the exposure group to educate them well...
I have seen it at least six times.. watch and take lots of notes
It runs about 45 mins or so.. great stuff.. i can't endorse this video enough
