I am still who I am...but as PEI stated there is a way to be strong and a way to be controlling...even the counselor said that I was acting more like a mother then a wife...I don't want to be H's mother, I have 3 children...I want to be a wife to the 1 H I have...I no longer make his dentist appointments for him, I don't go in with him to the doctor, I don't always drag him in with me to my doctor appointments, I don't make him hand his full check to me and then make him ask for money and decide if that is something he really needs or not...SEE, I think this is where we took control without realizing that not only were we being "strong" we were "domineering and suppressive" to those around us... Nor have I become a mousey woman...but like PEI...I too have realized that my way is not the only way...just because I don't like something doesn't mean that someone else might really like it...I am not always right...they are not always wrong...we can agree to disagree and I can let it go...
"""I guess I'm mostly wondering about how available/unavailable you were, did you continue to be intimate, did your H have an OW (sorry I forget), did you do MC ... ultimately what kind of things do you think moved you forward etc ..."""
Unfortunately I never really mastered unavailable...but I did start showing my own strengths...I lived on my own (with kids) for the first time, had a real job that supported us for the first time, did things that I enjoyed on my own, went out with my own friends, even vacationed with feeling the need to take family besides my kids with me...
No he would not be intimate with me...the most I got for several years was a few hugs...and usually because I asked before he would leave if I could have a hug...
Yes, H had an OW...but didn't live with her...
I am not sure where my old threads are...but I think you can look them up via my name here...
I believe that not making H feel responsible for my happiness was a biggy...while I was strong I was also needy...I wanted all of his attention all the time...I didn't want to share...I now am okay with H being with friends without me...or me going on a trip with friends without him...before I would have insisted he go with me and if he didn't it would be his fault I didn't get to go...(wow, it looks bad when you write it out)...and my reactions are more controled...I think this allowed H to see that I could make positive changes and be happy with myself...eventually he moved back to the area and he was open to talking to me...then realized that he missed his family...and I was part of that...but...he needed to fall in love with me again...for the longest time...over a year, he could not say "I love you"...and sometimes it was hard for him to be close to me...he was like a scared little boy in so many ways...
I also believe that his getting medical help for his diabetes, depression, and alcoholism really helped him to make improvements...he was so messed up and it took time for him to work it all out...
Now I see him so much better then he has been in a very long time...maybe even ever...I am happy with me...I continue to GAL and I keep working on my own faults...they are ones that I recognize from self examination and from things H said when he was gone...there can be some truth in what they say...I worked with what he said and found what I agreed with...do I think he was justified in what he did or that I in someway deserved what I got...OH HELLO, NO!...but it happened, it is over, and we have both grown from it...this is not something that gets thrown up in his face because quite frankly when I would say I was sorry and then he would throw something in my face, I hated that...
Oh...I did file for D twice...how is that for a strong woman!...I am just thankful that I was strong enough to admit I was wrong...
