Okay, so how does this play into who you want to be ?
Can one really " Take it down a notch "
Or would it be plausible to examine the triggers that you have within to recognize WHY you go overboard to begin with ?
Which one works better, and which one is less likely to fail you in the heat of battle ?
Hi Mach!
I've been examining triggers, behaviours, cause and effect ... you name it. I've come to terms with the fact that my need to fix, help, control, problem solve and handle is partly my personality and partly the insecurities I've brought with me from my childhood/teen years - it's the latter I want to obliterate. And in order to honour the part of my personality that does like to help and fix ... I'm learning to recognize when it's appropriate and HOW it's appropriate (ie. perhaps the perfect HELP is no HELP at all to allow for someone else to experience growth). I'm trying to make sure that offers of help are genuine and not habitual people-pleasing or attempts at control. I'm also learning that I am an emotional person, I can't and wouldn't want to change that ... what I do want to change, and have made major strides towards already I think, is letting those emotions determine my reactive behaviours. I've needed to learn peace, calmness and stillness for a while now. I am emotional, but I'm learning to breathe and respond instead of reacting. I am responsible for my reactions. This is a work in progress
I like who I am, or perhaps to be more honest, I like who I was, and who I am re-becoming. The woman I want to be is confident, competent, compassionate, aware, loving, kind, emotional but not reactive ....
So yeah, I think one can 'take it down a notch' ... be true to oneself without trampling everyone else around you in the process.
And I've already learned just how valuable it is to learn control in the 'heat of battle' ... my H has commented several times that he keeps expecting me 'to blow up' or to 'lose it' ... I just smiled and said "keep waiting!".
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I know what you are saying PEI, and it is true. However, I decided to try on the dependent coat, because my H feels I am too confrontational. He used this 180 against me in so many ways, that I don't really want to go into since this is your thread. What I was trying to tell you, and you seem to have grasped it already (by your response to my little vent), is don't lose sight of who you are. I have not lost myself, except where our M is concerned. I cannot talk to my H about anything without him perceiving it as confrontational or he is bored. Very frustrating, and I am on the verge of walking away after 6 years of putting up with this garbage.
I think you are doing very well, so keep it up. Hopefully, things will work out sooner than most on this bb.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I've been examining triggers, behaviours, cause and effect ... you name it. I've come to terms with the fact that my need to fix, help, control, problem solve and handle is partly my personality and partly the insecurities I've brought with me from my childhood/teen years - it's the latter I want to obliterate. And in order to honour the part of my personality that does like to help and fix ... I'm learning to recognize when it's appropriate and HOW it's appropriate (ie. perhaps the perfect HELP is no HELP at all to allow for someone else to experience growth). I'm trying to make sure that offers of help are genuine and not habitual people-pleasing or attempts at control. I'm also learning that I am an emotional person, I can't and wouldn't want to change that ... what I do want to change, and have made major strides towards already I think, is letting those emotions determine my reactive behaviours. I've needed to learn peace, calmness and stillness for a while now. I am emotional, but I'm learning to breathe and respond instead of reacting. I am responsible for my reactions. This is a work in progress
I like who I am, or perhaps to be more honest, I like who I was, and who I am re-becoming. The woman I want to be is confident, competent, compassionate, aware, loving, kind, emotional but not reactive ....
So yeah, I think one can 'take it down a notch' ... be true to oneself without trampling everyone else around you in the process.
And I've already learned just how valuable it is to learn control in the 'heat of battle' ... my H has commented several times that he keeps expecting me 'to blow up' or to 'lose it' ... I just smiled and said "keep waiting!".
Peace PEI
As long as YOU are comfortable with your answers....
These answers are for you PEI....
Nobody else has to live your life , I just wanted to make sure you were where YOU wanted to be ....
As long as YOU are comfortable with your answers.... I am. Why wouldn't I be?
These answers are for you PEI.... I know. Who else would they be for?
Nobody else has to live your life , I just wanted to make sure you were where YOU wanted to be .... I do appreciate that.
I don't think I am where I want to be personally yet, but I am well on my way ... minor set backs in my PMA and occasionally letting my emotions get the best of me ... but quicker recovery times and fewer episodes. One day at a time ...
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I know what you are saying PEI, and it is true. However, I decided to try on the dependent coat, because my H feels I am too confrontational. He used this 180 against me in so many ways, that I don't really want to go into since this is your thread. What I was trying to tell you, and you seem to have grasped it already (by your response to my little vent), is don't lose sight of who you are. I have not lost myself, except where our M is concerned. I cannot talk to my H about anything without him perceiving it as confrontational or he is bored. Very frustrating, and I am on the verge of walking away after 6 years of putting up with this garbage.
I think you are doing very well, so keep it up. Hopefully, things will work out sooner than most on this bb.
Can't stay and post but I'm wondering if you've read "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it" ... I've found it quite helpful ...
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I am still who I am...but as PEI stated there is a way to be strong and a way to be controlling...even the counselor said that I was acting more like a mother then a wife...I don't want to be H's mother, I have 3 children...I want to be a wife to the 1 H I have...I no longer make his dentist appointments for him, I don't go in with him to the doctor, I don't always drag him in with me to my doctor appointments, I don't make him hand his full check to me and then make him ask for money and decide if that is something he really needs or not...SEE, I think this is where we took control without realizing that not only were we being "strong" we were "domineering and suppressive" to those around us... Nor have I become a mousey woman...but like PEI...I too have realized that my way is not the only way...just because I don't like something doesn't mean that someone else might really like it...I am not always right...they are not always wrong...we can agree to disagree and I can let it go...
"""I guess I'm mostly wondering about how available/unavailable you were, did you continue to be intimate, did your H have an OW (sorry I forget), did you do MC ... ultimately what kind of things do you think moved you forward etc ..."""
Unfortunately I never really mastered unavailable...but I did start showing my own strengths...I lived on my own (with kids) for the first time, had a real job that supported us for the first time, did things that I enjoyed on my own, went out with my own friends, even vacationed with feeling the need to take family besides my kids with me...
No he would not be intimate with me...the most I got for several years was a few hugs...and usually because I asked before he would leave if I could have a hug...
Yes, H had an OW...but didn't live with her...
I am not sure where my old threads are...but I think you can look them up via my name here...
I believe that not making H feel responsible for my happiness was a biggy...while I was strong I was also needy...I wanted all of his attention all the time...I didn't want to share...I now am okay with H being with friends without me...or me going on a trip with friends without him...before I would have insisted he go with me and if he didn't it would be his fault I didn't get to go...(wow, it looks bad when you write it out)...and my reactions are more controled...I think this allowed H to see that I could make positive changes and be happy with myself...eventually he moved back to the area and he was open to talking to me...then realized that he missed his family...and I was part of that...but...he needed to fall in love with me again...for the longest time...over a year, he could not say "I love you"...and sometimes it was hard for him to be close to me...he was like a scared little boy in so many ways...
I also believe that his getting medical help for his diabetes, depression, and alcoholism really helped him to make improvements...he was so messed up and it took time for him to work it all out...
Now I see him so much better then he has been in a very long time...maybe even ever...I am happy with me...I continue to GAL and I keep working on my own faults...they are ones that I recognize from self examination and from things H said when he was gone...there can be some truth in what they say...I worked with what he said and found what I agreed with...do I think he was justified in what he did or that I in someway deserved what I got...OH HELLO, NO!...but it happened, it is over, and we have both grown from it...this is not something that gets thrown up in his face because quite frankly when I would say I was sorry and then he would throw something in my face, I hated that...
Oh...I did file for D twice...how is that for a strong woman!...I am just thankful that I was strong enough to admit I was wrong...
Thanks so much Lin ... I've been catching up on some of your old post. So much of what you say resonates with me ...
So, I spoke to the MC yesterday (I emailed her Friday re what to do, and she called me back). We chatted about it and she is in complete agreement that at best, we would be wasting our time, and at worst, we could set him back from the work he seems to be doing on himself. Having him shift his focus back to us is not what is best for anyone right now. She booked an appt for us in mid July and emailed me the new date and time.
I sent H an email this morning:
"I got an email from MC ... our appt today has been cancelled ... our next 'monthly' one is booked for July 15th at 2:30 (it's a Thursday too) ... Have a great day!"
H's reply: "sooo...we dont go to talk to anyone till the middle of July? why did she cancel?"
My reply: "dunno ... we can probably rebook for next week or something if you want to ...."
Then, no reply from H so I'm dropping it. H called me a short while later to chat re $ (it's his payday) and we had a nice chat, sorted some stuff out ... he never mentioned the MC so neither did I. I asked how he wanted this evening to work (re supper/groceries/grass) and he suggested a fast food joint and then said he would take the kids home and start the grass while I got the groceries. I offered to take S2 with me (he's the one who is hard to watch while cutting the grass) and he said that'd be great. He figures he can have the grass almost cut by the time we get home.
Normally, I would have tried to get him to come to the grocery store with me and the kids so that he had to hang around longer at the house to get the grass done but I said nothing. This is how he wants to do it, so fine by me (180s in action!).
Question ... on family day, or at some appropriate time, should I slip something in about us being able to talk, if he wants, without the MC present - not actually start a R talk, but let him know that I'm open if he needs to say something? Or should I just BE available for the conversation if and when he wants it?
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
